Hello from Pennsylvania, the state that seems to hold on to me,
I have noted that moving into the era of retirement is not what I expected, but the multiple levels that this statement has rung true is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It’s taken the better part of 18 months to feel like claiming I am retired feels acceptable. What a strange thing to say, to consider, to ponder. Retirement, we are taught is something to look forward to, to anticipate with a sense of happiness, sort of in the words of “well done good and faithful servant,” a phrase too often only offered after someone has passed from this life. It’s taken me a bit to get back to this post, and now as I write I am back in the Midwest, where the past few days have been a serious, and multifaceted trip through some various periods of my life.
This morning was an absolute joy when I shared breakfast with Karsten Nelson, one of my dear seminary classmates at the original Keys (a host of restaurants in the Twin Cities). While the restaurant has changed to some degree, something to be expected in 40 years, merely sitting in that space and looking at some photos he brought from our time there and sharing a meal and conversation was a great gift. Before I went to see him, I had driven across the cities to get to St. Paul, I stopped by 2481 Como Avenue. Anyone who took classes on sight at LNTS or now Luther, knows that address. What I witnessed and experienced there was somewhat shattering to me. The summer I experienced Summer Greek, living in Stub Hall, eating in the Commons in the Refectory in the Northwestern Building, and what the fall would bring when the normal academic year began as I resided in Bockman were so important to who I would become. Certainly the changes in the role of faith in our society have been extreme since I graduated from the seminary in the late 1980s. Likewise, having spent the last almost three decades in higher education, I am painfully aware of how delivery of class material has been transformed by technology, which was also affected by COVID. The days of meeting together in a space for class, sitting in a coffee shop between classes, eating together in a commons or refectory are something from the past.
While I think I was at least vaguely aware that higher education was a business, that realization did not go much beyond my paying my tuition and buying my textbooks. Needless to say, once I was on the other side of the blank stare, as a program director or sitting in departmental meetings or in front of my dean, my understanding of tuition-driven budgets, state appropriations, and the connection between “butts-in-seats” and what is possible changed drastically. Most of the debt I incurred through my academics occurred in seminary. My congregation did not have money to pay my tuition like some of my classmates had; I was newly married and my wife did not make a ton of money working in a pre-5 Daycare. She did get another more lucrative job later, but nothing that would take care of costs. So student loans were the order of the day.
When I attended LNTS it was the largest Lutheran seminary in the country. The fall I began seminary there were almost 850 students. Currently, there are barely over 400, and only 35% of them are on campus full-time (Luther Seminary Website). This means only about 140 students are on campus. The budget for an on-campus student is a little over 41,000 dollars a year. That is a significant amount, particularly when the typical starting salary package for a first year pastor is a little more than 50,000.00 a year. To say a person must have a serious sense of call is a bit of an understatement. If you crunch numbers, it is not difficult to see how some of the decisions in the past decade-plus have occurred. The selling of buildings, apartment complexes, to the most recent decision to close the Campus Center, which was built when I was a student, while stunning, is about financial reality.
And yet what are the non-monetary costs. One of the most important elements of faith is community. Bonhoeffer noted that “Christian community is like the Christian’s sanctification. It is a gift of God we cannot claim” (Life Together). From my summer Greek colleagues to my Formulation of Faith cohort, from the people I shared a hallway with in Bockman to those I played intramural sports with, the building of a community called into service of Christ and the church was personified by those I met daily. Those who returned from that third year of internship to complete our studies became integral to helping me understand my sense of call, from our preaching classes to our Constructive Theology class. I know from teaching post-COVID, zoom classes do not replicate the community formed when you are in class together, reflecting and responding, questioning and sharing insights about scripture, systematics, or dogma. In the day since I posted pictures of the campus, I have spoken to and corresponded with classmates who were there when I was and it seems our feelings are pretty consistent. It is a heartfelt and thorough sense of sadness and loss. I remember a sermon in chapel, given by the then President of the seminary, the Rev. Dr. Lloyd Svendsbye preached about how you have a funeral for a small rural congregation that is closing its doors. Having supplied at some small rural two- or three-point congregations, I remember clearly how they were profoundly faithful to their history, but perhaps keenly aware of their fragility as a community. Much of the decisions were based on two issues: an aging demographic and the reality of finances.
The truism about death and taxes seems apropos. Even the seminary must pay its share to Caesar, it’s the world in which the church lives, and in spite of some tax breaks it might have, the costs of infrastructure continue to rise. The unforgiving truth is cost is fatal. The taxes of this world seem to have put the seminary as I knew it on life support. Regardless how the sale of buildings, of land and other assets have put the seminary on stable ground at the moment, 2481 Como Avenue is not the place I remember. The generations of pastors who spent four years taking classes in Biblical Studies, Church History, Systematics and Pastoral Care, sitting at the feet of incredible Biblical scholars and devout pastors are no longer. I am not questioning the veracity of those called today, but I am sad they are not able to experience the community I did. And yet, as I used to tell my students in my Bible as Literature class, often God works in spite of us. And as my confessions professor noted, when we pray “Come Lord Jesus.” we can hope he comes today.
Thank you as always for reading, and bless those called.
Michael
thewritingprofessor55 
Good evening on this uneventful Thursday. As always, I enjoyed reading your post and pondering on the different thoughts this post sparked in my over-stimulated brain. Finding the correct balance in most aspects of my life has always been a struggle for me.
Grace is a wonderful thing, but without the balance you wrote about, it can turn out to be detrimental. Growing up, I was always held to strict and high standards. The idea of grace was not something I became familiar with until I was much older. When I then tried to have grace towards others, I went to the opposite extreme and became a doormat. I allowed people to walk all over me using the excuse of, “I am giving them grace.” Through an immense amount of self-reflection and growth, I have successfully planted myself in a much more balanced position with the concept of giving grace. I have also learned to ask for grace from those who are less familiar with the concept.
I have always struggled with the fear of failure. It has stopped me from pursuing a lot of endeavors throughout my life. If I might fail, why bother trying? I have tried to move past this concept, but it is a deeply engrained personality trait. I always have a backup plan, which helps, but I have come to realize it also hinders my potential. If I know I have a backup plan, there is less motivation for me to succeed. My new tactic is to provide a temporary backup plan. For example, I am enrolled in two summer courses to see how I like digital forensics and cybersecurity. More specifically, to see if I am able to jump back into schooling full time. While I am in these courses, I still have my current job. Say I realize this new path is not my calling, I can pull out and continue working at my job with no harm done. My safety net only extends to summer classes. Once fall semester starts, I will no longer have that safety net. If I do not succeed, I will have quit my job and spent a good amount of money for nothing. Essentially, scared or not, once the fall semester starts, failing is not an option.
Although I enjoyed your post, I am not especially religious myself. I related less to this post than the others I have read so far. I grew up in a “church on Sundays” house but have since drifted away from religion. I respect it and admire those who stay consistent and invested in their religion, but it is not something I personally practice. I do appreciate differing views and different perspectives on common issues – fear of failure, striving for balance, giving/receiving grace. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Good evening from my back deck!
Reading this post was very interesting to me. I am also someone who likes to find a place of solace. Which I agree is very hard to do in this day and age. It is also very hard to find a way to manage all that one may have on their plate when it comes to personal life, family matters, and the pursuit of their own dreams. Throughout my comment, this is going to be one of the main things I focus on as well as the idea of Grace and how one approach towards others.
In my life I have had my share of tribulations and one of the hardest things for me was finding a way to reflect and in a essence cope. The inability when I was young to find that led to confusion and anger. Confusion because I was never able to sit down and think through the events that had occurred or were occurring. Anger was a result of not being able to find a productive way to work through my problems. My father was the one that helped me find the outlet for this which I still use to this day and it is work. Now I know you may be thinking of the term work as in the standard say work for your job. However, that is not what I am referring to. I am referring to working on projects for me personally I love to build and create things so my main outlet is landscaping and contracting work that I do for myself. For example just this evening before I sat down to write my response to this blog post I was mowing my yard. While I was mowing I wore my noise-canceling headphones and just walked the yard and reflected on my week. This offered me a chance to get some peace and quiet to myself and my thoughts, with the added bonus of the gratification of a freshly cut yard at the end. While this may sound so simple the benefits of it are amazing. Both the physical exercise of mowing the yard as well as the mental benefit of being able to reflect.
I believe that the balance that I, you, and others strive for is the key to having grace. The ability to show compassion and be understanding and yet still stay true to yourself and your values is in itself a balancing act. It is a practice that is a lot easier said than done and is developed through age and experiences. Yet if you can find the balance for yourself by doing things like finding solace which was discussed in your original post. It will make the balancing act of having grace much easier. At least for myself, I find that the times I have the most difficulty acting with grace is when I myself do not have a sense of balance. As I am sure others can relate when going through something that has you frustrated, angry, or depressed it can become difficult to not project your feelings onto others. However when you are of a clear mind and have a sense of balance it is easy to approach someone with grace.
I very much enjoyed this post. It was interesting and fun to respond to. It allowed me to reflect on the way that I reflect which is an interesting thing that I don’t normally do. I find it very interesting to talk to others about the way that they seek solace and how they view life. Reading your post gave me the opportunity to learn another perspective on it and offered me more to think about.
Tenneson,
Thank you for your post. There are so many things to consider in what you have written, but the thing that I find most thoughtful, and the point to which I can relate is doing something that accomplishes something. It is why I clean things. When I was in college or even since, if I get really stressed by things, I move furniture and rearrange things. Two things come from that. I get the energy out, and when I am done, I have a new perspective on my space, which is always refreshing to me. Balance seems cliche to some, but it is essential to managing our lives.
I appreciated your thoughts, and it is a pleasure to see that what I write can resonate with other people.
Dr. Martin
Good evening on this sunny and beautiful Friday. I am currently writing from my apartment after spending some quality time outside. I always like to go outside at night to wind down and relax after a long day as I found outside calming because of how quiet and serene it is. I wish I could’ve spent more time outside, but alas, I must put my head down and get some work done.
I also found this post a bit difficult to connect with in certain parts because I do not follow any religion. I was not raised in a religious household, so therefore I was not raised to follow a religion. I would not describe myself as an atheist because I do believe there is a higher power out there, I am just unsure which religion I would prefer. Maybe someday I will sit down and research the different religions out there, but that is a project that will have to wait another day.
I am also guilty of having the fear of failure. I have always had a fear of failure for as long as I could remember. I remember the first time I scored a C on a test in elementary school and I was hysterical because I thought my life was going to be over and I was going to be a failure because of one test. Oh how the times have changed since then. These days I’m happy to get a C on a test because nursing ain’t easy and the exams are super difficult. My fear of failure in the past centered around not scoring high at a dance competition and not placing in the top 10. My fear of failure today revolves around my major and my Army ROTC career. Nursing is a difficult profession that requires rigorous and challenging education to ensure that the people who graduate are the best of the best and can properly perform their career. I often fear that I will not pass nursing because of how challenging the exams are. I often doubt myself and my abilities, but then I have people around me who reassure me, keep me positive, and remind me that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am. I also have a fear of failure in my Army ROTC career because going into the army and being in the program is stressful and a little scary. I do not want to do poorly and fail in the program in college because I want to go into the Army as a nurse and have a success career in the Army, but if I do not perform to the standard in college, then I cannot join the Army. I am not one who likes to fail, so when I do or fear I am going to fail, I start freaking out and doubting myself. But as I mentioned earlier, I have people around me who are there for me to calm me down and reassure me.
I won’t drone on any further because I could keep writing a never stop, but I have a whole list of things I wish to complete before I go to bed tonight, so I am going to sign off and do the next task on my list. Thank you for writing about this topic because you have surfaced a topic that many people are not brave enough to tackle. I look forward to reading more posts from you and giving my insight.
Amanda,
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest reflection on my post. What I hope you see is even finding a “religious home,” if I can call it that, does not mean there are no questions or struggles. The belief in any sort of “higher power,” which is the term many who find adherence difficult, at least admits there is a possibility of some creator. There are all sorts of things behind this: what makes humans have a need to believe in something larger to begin with? From where does it originate? Is it a psychological need? A sociological need? William Tremmel, in his book, _Religion: What is it?_ asserts that we are religious because we are finite. We die. It is as simple as that. And in fact, the earliest artifacts that deal with religion most often are about burial.
Your thoughts about failure fall into the dichotomy that most of us tend to believe. You win or you lose. You succeed (are the best) or you fail. GPAs often reinforce this. We put so much power on a grade. What happens to the actual learning in that case? I was a history and humanities major in college, and my senior year I took a Physiology and Anatomy class with no pre-requisites. It was the hardest I ever worked for a C+ in my life. I was proud of that grade.
You are an amazingly capable person. Be kind to yourself. Hence: grace.
Dr. Martin
Dr. Martin,
I was not expecting this blog to resonate with me as much as it has. The title threw me to be honest. I judged a “book by its cover”, instead of investing into it and have a valid opinion. I feel being religious, spiritual, or just present in this world, that this can relate to anyone. We are all hardwired in a similar fashion, and we all go through the rollercoaster called “life”. To be frank, you give me Hemingway vibes. That is a compliment from me to you. So I hope you are a fan of him to some extent. He expressed life, and himself in ways that women generally never get to hear from most men. Maybe to some it is harsh, but to me it is honest and real. To hear you speak as openly as you did in this gives me hope for the male species.
Being in my thirties I feel that I am in a pivotal point in my existence. My spawn are exhausting, and they suck the damn life out of my soul. So self care is not something I am gracious with. I have worked excruciatingly to be where I am today. I always said I was fighter since the day I was born. Being three months premature, losing my twin sister, and the turbulent times in my life has essentially made into who I am today. I was raised to work hard and learn quickly because there was no time for anything else. I was not taught to talk, express my emotions, or know that it is ok to slow down and take life in. I am religious to some degree, but in ways I am one with the world. I have also questioned life and God when life is beating you to a pulp. There has even been times where I begged God on numerous occasions to take me so I could be with my sister, or I would ask him, “Why did you take her and leave me here alone?” I have accepted her being gone and other tragic moments in my life. I know they are blips that you can either wallow in, or use it to your advantage in whatever context you feel is necessary. I perceive it to be all for a not. Even if you don’t see the good from it.
You spoke of grace and hope which warmed my heart. My second oldest daughters middle name is Hope. I gave her that because at that time I was a alone raising her and her sister. I did not have much to offer her but love and hope. So hope is an endearing word that has stuck with me with that level of importance since the day she was born. I hope I can show my children that their is good in this world and others. That it is okay to love and show who you are to others if you yearn to. To love in any capacity is precious in this hectic world. Grappling the pendulum of humanity is no easy feat, but trusting your heart, life experience, and morals will help you stay on track to where you want to go.
Life has a tendency to throw many curve balls. New jobs, New homes, Crazy school schedules. As I would love to say that it has been a very anticlimactic week, the truth is, my hair is falling out. Dr. Martin your blog really struck a chord with me. Your reflection on the complexities of faith and grappling with the world’s injustices resonated deeply. It’s been a whirlwind lately, with the move and all, and amidst the chaos, I find myself questioning many things. Your words about the struggle to reconcile our beliefs with the harsh realities of the world hit home. It’s comforting to know that even someone as influential as Luther faced his own doubts and challenges. Your insights remind me that it’s okay to wrestle with these questions and that moments of solitude and reflection can provide clarity in the midst of uncertainty. As I settle into my new home and navigate this transition, I’ll keep your words in mind as a source of strength and guidance.
Your blog also prompted me to reflect on the importance of self-care and grace, especially during times of upheaval. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and neglect our own well-being. Your reminder to be gracious with myself couldn’t have come at a better time. Moving into a new home and adjusting to a new routine can be overwhelming, and it’s crucial to prioritize my mental and emotional health amidst the chaos. The concept of finding solace in solitude resonates deeply with me, as I’ve often found clarity and peace in moments of quiet contemplation. As I navigate this transition and settle into my new surroundings, I’ll strive to carve out time for self-reflection and self-care, following your example of embracing grace and hope in the face of uncertainty. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so candidly.
Good evening on this Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend. Despite this post being inherently religious, I found myself relating to a lot of the content behind the morals and dilemmas you illustrate here. I’ve never been truly religious. The closest I’ve ever gotten has been being dragged to church once or twice by my late Roman Catholic grandmother. She was the most kind-hearted women I’ve ever known and has instilled a respect for religion. Despite this, I still find myself not following any faith. I struggle between identifying as atheist or agnostic as in times I do believe in a creator, but I feel they do not care if we praise them.
The history of religion is always an interesting story to hear. I especially liked reading your insight about Martin Luther, as my understanding of him only extends to his Ninety-Five Theses, which I learned in high school history. Learning about how you view the character of Martin Luther is very insightful.
I especially enjoyed reading about the personal struggles you face with balance. Balance in life is one of the hardest things to master for any one person. Still in my youth, I struggle a lot with balancing everything I want to be able to do. Reading that someone like you also struggles with this gives me some solace knowing I am not alone. Balance will always be a constant battle of shifting attention to keep the see-saw of life in balance.
As my responsibilities in life ever increase, I find myself needing to understand how to be gracious to myself as well. As you have stated, it is something that I can only attempt to practice, as I do not think I will ever be able to master it. And to a point, I think it is a necessity to not master it, especially at the young age I am at now. I have to be able to balance out my graciousness to myself with a critical view of myself in order to improve and grow at a healthy rate.
I continue to find myself inspired by each of your blog posts, and look forward to responding to more throughout the duration of this class.
Dr. Martin,
Thank you for speaking on this topic! It gives me the opportunity to ‘compare’ my beliefs with others, so I can understand mine better. Recently the topic of faith and religion has been brought up quite a bit in the past few weeks for me. It’s leaving me not necessarily questioning my faith but reflecting.
I have a coworker that I get along with relatively well. We have conversations about just everything. Yesterday, religion was the topic for our 10 hour shift. Usually when people talk about it, it turns more into an argument than a civil discussion. This was not that case. We didn’t only talk about our personal beliefs but also went into depth into other’s too.
The topic of balancing life is another thing that had stood out to me. It’s a hell of a thing to accomplish. I appreciate you expressing your private life to talk on the uncomfortable parts of life.
Jessicarain Griffith
As I read your post, it was insightful for hear how the concept of GPA impacted your academic journey. Everyone has a GPA, I know people who have made mistakes and realized how their action impacted their academic performance. Then I also know people who are have pride in their high 3.6 to 4.0 GPA. As someone who has gained a significant amount of experience within higher education, it’s humbling to read your statement, “I also learned that often the grade did not demonstrate how much I might have learned or achieved in class.”
As a student who’s won and lose some, I don’t believe in your statement ‘being honest with student isn’t always a popular thing to do, and because it is unpopular, it can also be difficult’, throughout my education and probably many others have experienced teachable moments. Currently I believe people of all walks of life are deconstructing bigotry whether it be racism, ableism, or any other subdivision of bigotry. Bigotry is defined as obstinate or unreasonable attachment to a belief, opinion, or faction, in particular prejudice against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group within the Oxford Dictionary. Within past centuries people with disabilities were denied quality of life, and according to Disability Teaches Us: Disability and Ableism in Schools’ History people with disabilities were not granted educational services until 1975. Since is wasn’t until nearly fifty years ago that these educational systems were established, I believe the U.S. department education still has a long way to providing effective education to students of all backgrounds. I believe all educators should go to the same length to ensure success within their students, whether it be from trial and error, or from receiving exceptional grades.
Good afternoon from again, my office chair,
I was raised with no corresponding religion. My mother claimed to be a Catholic, but has never once practiced the faith outside of her private school. My dad stopped believing in a higher up when my baby cousin died, because “How could a God allow a one year old to die?”
I truly don’t understand much about faith. It isn’t necessarily that I am against it, it’s simply that I was never around it. The only time I have been in a church is when there has been a death. I struggle with the concept and how there’s a higher up, someone with predestines our lives so to speak.
Hi Dr. Martin
I had to laugh when you said, “I don’t remember the story’s point, but the phrase spoke to me about my understanding of faith.” I find this to be the case for myself, especially in group religious settings. I’m in a religious club on campus and sometimes I hear a line that gets my attention and I fixate on that point and can completely tune out the rest of the talk because what I heard was what I needed to hear at that moment.
I agree that hurt often occurs in our lives and, a lot of the time, it really is not our fault. As a kid, I didn’t understand why people couldn’t love you and be there for you in the way you needed them to be. As I kid, you don’t understand why life sucks. Sometime a shitty thing happens, and you just need to deal with it. Realizing the situation you are in is not your fault, that you are not responsible for the situation you are in lifts a big weight off your chest. It is a hard lesson to learn that there usually is no simple fix.
Grace is an incredibly undervalued part of faith. I am a religious person. I was raised Catholic but am exploring other branches of Christianity. A relationship with God has balance. I get a lot of questions about my faith. If there was really a God, why does he let bad things happen? Why would I want to worship someone who is always testing me? These questions ignore what I see as the core principle of my faith: grace. Being religious helps you reframe difficult situations. For example, my mom has had Stage 4 breast cancer since I was 9. During my high school years, I got a lot of questions about how I could still be religious. My answer was simple. Before my mom got sick, I had someone else close to me, who was not religious, deal with a difficult cancer situation and they were full of anger and negativity. Almost like they felt they were owed a normal life. More than a decade later they are still angry that their life was touched by cancer. On the other hand, my mom has a very strong faith. She has been in active treatment since 2012. I think she is currently on her 14th treatment plan. In fact, she had chemo today. Though there have been many ups and downs, she tries to find the joy in every day. The original plan for my 21st birthday was a trip to Vegas. Due to health reasons, we changed to an overnight trip to a PA casino. I ended up going to Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre with my mom and grandmother for 4 hours instead (and pushing mom in a wheelchair) and we had an amazing day, and made memories, because we gave ourselves the grace to make the best of it. This is one area I need to continue to work on for myself. That is what will keep me centered and allow me to find joy in day-to-day life.