
Hello from my little corner,
The mornings and days have begun to find some consistency, some beginning sense of process, and for me that is important. The past week, however, seems to still to be a roller coaster of sorts. From learning of some significant health issues to the typical dramatic flair that too often characterizes one of the things that have been an element of life, I am reminded that first, I have health choices (and choices in general) , and second, there are those who seem to need to immediately jump on anything or everything versus stepping back and examining, even when asked to do so. The consequence is generally less than ideal, and the fall out has much longer-term repercussions. My foolishness is somehow believing the infamous cat is a not cat even when I see a cat. This has happened before, and I still want to believe there can be a different outcome. If everything is stripped away, that is all on me. It matters not what they ask, if you follow through with the request, there is trouble. If you step back, the likelihood of still getting a less than satisfactory result is still likely, but the overall dilemma might be less. The only way to keep out of the way an any flying shrapnel is completely disappear. The sad part is even that has some painful result.
Over the last half of the year, I have struggled to manage my health. While this is something I do not really like admitting, there have been enough things, and some serious and ongoing, that I am forced to face them versus brush them off. Eye issues are the most immediate, which should be remedied by cataract surgery on both eyes. The issue with Crohn’s and its complications seems to be reasserting itself, and perhaps the number of other concerns, are merely the reality of a premature birth and the lack of gestational process that occurred. From some struggle with memory to an inability to hydrate, it seems all of the things are arriving at the same time. All of it is beyond frustrating for me. I am feeling more vulnerable and it feels more unsafe to merely go about some of my daily tasks. I feel less organized and it’s been more arduous to attempt to manage it.
I am hoping that my getting a space to begin to call mine, even though it is small, is a good first step. While I am in my heart committed to my bus plan, there have been moments of doubt and that is difficult. I feel like a failure at the moment, which is not something I am used to feeling. Things that I have generally managed seem more overwhelming, more of a struggle, and they should not be. Best laid plans or intentions have been turned upside down and the consequences have been painful. As I prepared to retire I thought I had planned well, that I conducted some strong research of what I needed to do and plan. More often than not, it seems I did not do an adequate job. Again, it’s easy in hindsight (that terrible reality check) to say what if . . . There is so much to ponder and the struggle for me is the amount of hurt I see all around me. Is it more apparent in this season, in the bleakness of the cold? It is because I am not as occupied as a retired person?
Christmas as a season of giving is relatively recent (given the two millennia inception). It was a story by Charles Dickens about a poor family with an unhealthy son that transformed the “religious” adding the aspect of charity and kindness. It is never too late to learn about kindness and charity, and I recently noted there is no seasonal aspect to giving care to the other. Certainly, it can be elevated as it is in this season, one called the “season of giving,” but never should it disappear on the 8th of January, and put on the shelf or in a tote box like we do with the holiday decorations, placed in moratorium until the day after Thanksgiving next fall.
What I have been compelled to recognize recently is how a change in role, and perhaps in status, causes a difference not only in how I see myself, but in how I believe I am seen. Am I mistaken and it is all on me or is it a real thing? I know there are books on retirement; I know there are seminars, but I not sure one can take a class or prepare. And then there is the reality of solitude. As noted, I have grown not only to appreciate my singleness; at times I crave it. My tolerance for drama and for noise that is little more than noise has greatly diminished, and I find myself stepping away more willfully and intentionally. The struggle is learning what I can manage or more likely am willing to manage. I see an evolution in who I’ve become and that takes some learning and thought on my part. One of my favorite characters in any movie is Norman Thayer in the movie On Golden Pond. In fact, one of my former students, another for whom I officiated their wedding, calls me Norman from time to time. Is the curmudgeonly gene something which comes with aging? I have noted my father’s eldest brother-in-law from time to time. Clare Swaby, born in 1896 (yes, you read that correctly), was a widower the last three decades is his life. He was stubborn, opinionated, cursed like no other person I have ever met, dropped out of school in 5th grade, was a bugler in WWI, knew more about plants and animals than anyone I ever met, drove my mother crazy, was our weekly Sunday dinner guest, argued Chester Gould, the creator of the cartoon Dick Tracy, drank what he called “squirrel whiskey,” and had one of the most giving and generous natures of anyone I ever knew. I have felt more and more like him in my solitude, and even compared myself to him as the person now invited so I am not alone. What I have learned albeit slowly is to appreciate his complexity more and more.
What I am learning even now is that often what I misunderstood about people was their actions were often about boundaries. I have struggled to make boundaries with people throughout my life, too often because I did not want them angry with me. Too many times, I gave and gave at my own detriment, believing they would appreciate or understand my generosity. What I’ve learned, albeit too slowly, there are givers and there are takers. Generosity is not wrong; caring is not wrong; and being willing to go above and beyond is most often a positive attribute, but giving, caring, helping without boundaries is not positive because it is not healthy. Learning that the boundary is not static either in time or circumstance is complicated, but it is important. Making changes, even when it requires significant reconsideration, is not easy, but it might often be the healthiest thing to do. Perhaps the infamous New Year’s resolution arrived early. I often say I am a slow learner, but I do learn. In the past couple days, Facebook was inundated with memories of the passing of Dan Fogelberg. He was one of my favorite musicians. The video is one of my favorite songs.
Thanks for reading.
Michael









