Chevelles, Harleys, and Bugs

Hello from the outside table at the local Starbucks,

It’s a great morning, starting out cool and pleasant, though now the humidity and heat are both on the rise, so it’s a typical June, nearly summer, day in Pennsylvania (btw, do you know that this is the only state where both the abbreviation of PA as well as the entire state is understood and acceptable?). It will probably blow up into a bit of a storm before the day is out, but the storms here are seldom like the storms I remember back in Iowa, storms that would roll in across the prairie. I’ve seen some of those storm clouds here but nothing like I remember as a child. Or like the summer I spent working wheat harvest from Texas to Montana. I remember a tornado coming across and diving out of a pick up truck into a ditch – that was more than close enough to a tornado.

While I’ve chatted more than once with others as well as have written my thoughts about memory, or what seems to jog our memory, there are two things which seem to do that for me more than anything else. The first is music, and the second, at least for me, relates to a vehicle, something I have owned in the past. My first car was a 1964 Impala, which I bought for $175. I managed to get both my first speeding ticket (I actually got two in the same day, which infuriated my mother), and I was involved in my first accident (again, I was involved in two on the same day – yes, true story) in that car. The Impala went through a lot. The first car that I really had an attachment to,an affinity for, however, was a car that I purchased when I got out of the service. It was a 1971 Chevelle SS with a 454, and it could pass anything but a gas station. It was a copper brown color (the picture above resembles it closely) with black stripes on the hood and trunk. It had 60 Series Raised white-letter tires, and Cragers. It had an eight track player and a 40 W power booster for the stereo. If I remember correctly, I had installed two6 x 9 coaxial speakers in the area behind the back seat, and had two additional boxes with more speakers. I thought I was pretty cool. I remember taking my father once to vote, and he stated without hesitation, “ I am not sure what is worse, the mufflers or the music!” He was not the only person who had a distinctive lack of appreciation for my Chevelle. Ruth, my pastor’s wife, once asked if I delighted in noise-polluting the neighborhood. There was no way my Chevelle would sneak into the driveway. The music I remember most significantly with that car were the albums (then on 8 Track) Masque by Kansas, Dreamweaver by Gary Wright, Frampton Comes Alive, by Peter Frampton, Hair of the Dog, by Nazareth or Dreamboat Annie by Heart to name a few. That car went through a lot with me, but I did love it. Over the years I’ve owned a 1970 El Camino, which was also quite hopped up, a 1983 Dodge Lancer (my first sort of grown-up car), 1993 Dodge Shadow ES, a 1995 Ford Mustang, a 2003 Grand Am GT, a couple of HHRs, and a 2013 BMW 328i. Perhaps the best driving car I’ve owned was a 2014 Chevrolet Malibu. One thing always hoped for, or installed, was a good sound system. When I reminisce about each vehicle, I remember what music went with that time. The move from 8 Tracks to cassettes, from CDs to now being connected to a subscription or my phone shows how differently or music connects the two elements for me.

What is it about a vehicle that creates such a bond? Why is it, for some, so much of our identity is connected to our wheels? And while I am willing to admit that men are probably more likely to do this than women, I do not believe it is totally gender specific. Some of the window stickers on the back of trucks or jeeps in particular will attest to this. Studies show unlike a house, which not everyone can afford, cars create an important connection to how we are perceived, in part, because they travel with us and are highly visible; they become a mobile billboard. Then there are things like vanity plates, something I have gotten for the first time ever with my last vehicle. Personalization creates an emotional bond between person and the machine. Additionally, there can be a social connection between the type of vehicle you have and others who drive a similar modes of transportation. It is a branding. I have experienced this particularly with the Beetles as well as the Harleys.

While I have owned motorcycles from the time I was in my teens, I did not get my first Harley until I was in my 40s. It was a present to myself for defending my dissertation. I’ve had a motorcycle license since I was 16 years old, much to my mother‘s displeasure. I’ve also had my obligatory motorcycle accident, which resulted in two skull fractures, serious facial lacerations, and a veritable hardware store in my left pinky finger. I’ve owned everything from a Sportster to a fully decked-out Street Glide, and a couple in between. More than one had a serious stereo system. And I’ve driven them completely across the United States. I’ve been to Sturgis twice and Laconia once. Anyone who has ridden the motorcycle understands the camaraderie with those on another two wheeler (or even three), from the recognition given when meeting someone on the road to the gear one wears. And of course, Harley has its own special sound, which is trademarked. Much like those who own Apple products or a bug, there is a social recognition that goes along with them. The branding has been successful to be sure.

My older brother had a 1969 Karmen Ghia, which my father hated. He went everywhere in that little yellow car, and he fit the anti-establishment vibe of that time incredibly well. I, of course, grew up in the Disney time of Herbie, the Love Bug, and found the little car created in Germany as “the people‘s car,” to be adorable, something I always wanted. My last two cars have been Beetles, and to say it is a love-hate relationship would be an understatement. I think I love them, but I believe they hate me. Both Beetles have endured more than one revision of their physical appearance (although not all due to my cause or can I be blamed), and the seeming jinx of the relationship between bug and Michael has some (former students, friends, and even relatives) telling me it’s time to change my vehicle or cease my love of the bug. My first bug had a Bose system with a subwoofer (stock to the car); it was quite incredible, and I loved tooling around in Bruce, as I named it. Experiences like breaking a cable in the mountain snows of Nevada (on a 9% grade) and losing my brakes was the first mishap. Getting taken out by an Amazon semi, again in the snow on the interstate was the second. Bruce recovered from both of those. My rear-ending someone with him was a different story. The second (and current) bug is a gun-metal blue customized “denim” convertible, the first convertible I’ve ever owned. It is beyond enjoyable, and while it is not as decked out in terms of extras as Bruce was, Bella (as this one is named) is still quite stylish. It too has had multiple experiences (again three of them) two of which were not my fault. Of course, the last, again just recently, is a different story, but Bella is back to looking good.

What I’ve realized is the profound degree both vehicles and music are both connected to and have characterized my life, both in terms of identity and attitude. The memories of both seem like a mirror into my soul. Enjoy those memories, relive those moments, and anticipate what is yet to come.

Reminisce and thank you for reading,

Michael

No Useless Friends nor Harmless Enemies

Hello from the first part of June, and it is warm;

We are so affected by weather. It influences not only our decisions and actions, but also our moods, our outlooks, and perhaps as importantly as anything, even how we react or respond to those around us. Most of my life I have lived where there are four seasons, although one might argue with some assuredness that what we understood typical weather for a season to be and what we are experiencing presently has probably been altered from our childhood memories. We are toward the end of Spring, but this current season has been anything but predictable or enjoyable. We had some very warm weather in early April, but the remainder was chilly, damp, and not what one would want to believe was blooming or life-giving. It seemed that trees and plants were a few weeks behind in their reappearance, and seldom was it the sort of weather where you wanted to go out and walk. I think people are still working on planting things.

Of course, winters are much different than I remember, and I grew up in NW Iowa, where I remember significant snow and cold. When I was in my first year of seminary in St. Paul, MN, I remember about a two week period when the temperature did not get above zero, and the wind chills were often -20 F or colder. When I was in graduate school in the Upper Peninsula, I learned what snow really was when I lived in the Keweenaw Peninsula, and living in Wisconsin, I saw wind chills and temperatures that were lower than anything I had ever experienced, even in Alaska. Summers seem somewhat typical, though they might be shorter than I remember, as well as a bit warmer. I sometimes wonder if they are really warmer or it is I have less tolerance, but we do regularly hear that months are the hottest on record. All of this, of course, is open to significant debate. And having lived where early summer can create 18-19 hours of light in the summer and a similar duration of darkness in the winter, I learned just how affected I am by that also.

Recently, I was asked about my understanding of friendship, and how I might define the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. It caused me to pause, and the inquiry for a moment left me a bit incapable of answering in what I believed to be a thoughtful and decisive manner. And while I do not believe I answered their question in a particularly insightful way, it did cause me to think, and as you can see, still thinking. A number of ways to answer this come to mind, from the simple: what is the difference? to a more complicated (which is what my title implies) is the opposite of a real friend an enemy? In our highly polarized world, be it in our own neighborhoods to our country, or should we see that polarization as truly globalized? One of the things I’ve started to do is attending a group of individuals who meet on Wednesday mornings at the public library. We gather each week to discuss topics of mutual interest, but also topics that seem to create a difference of opinion, a question of cultural interpretation, and often something that has somehow moved from an area of generally accepted to something that now seems problematic. Our moderator begins each week with the following admonition: “Don’t be a jerk.” The significance of our weekly conversation is profound. People from across the spectrum are meeting weekly to ponder and discuss issues that are of relevance, be it about our democracy, about the tough questions that currently too often disintegrate into partisan rancor, but that does not happen. I believe many of us will admit the current social climate is not what we experienced in the past. How did we become a society that sees a difference of opinion as something to fight about? How did we come to the place that the people on the other side are the enemy, someone to be triumphed over or someone of less worth, someone who is equivalent to being the enemy? And that word enemy has been used toward anyone – the different generation, the different faith, the different socioeconomic background, the different ethnicity, the different language, even accent, different body types, different understanding of identity. Difference is an incredibly difficult concept for us to manage. We have simultaneously celebrated and loathed diversity (at times and in some places) and embraced and feared it. And fear is powerful. I often note this chronology as part of our humanity: anger (often our response to the other) creates fear, and fear creates anger.

The point of all of this is to ponder what we claim about or whom do we believe “can qualify” to be a friend? What action or attitude places someone in the category of being an enemy? Is it merely a difference of opinion? My title implies a number of possibilities. There is a value in friendship that is hard to quantify, perhaps even more difficult to describe. Friendship is developed and tested. It endures time and distance, and it offers consistency. I believe it is that steadiness, steadfastness, and in that cohesion we find its value; in value one finds both a hopefulness as well as a usefulness, meaning there is something that provides comfort, that sense of understanding that requires no reacquaintance even after a prolonged distance or time. On the other hand, if someone is truly your enemy, or we regard them as such, within our psyche we believe they are a danger to our wellbeing. When we truly have, we perceive, or label someone(s) or something as the enemy, we establish two things: first, we either intentionally or one the other hand, inadvertently, believe ourselves to be morally superior. And second we blame the other, the person, people, group with whom we disagree or we declare a particular situation to be problematic or wrong, again claiming we know better. There is no conversation or possibility or compromise. And while we claim by extension they or it is harmful, the true harmfulness is in our own unwillingness to think, ponder, or acknowledge there can be another possibility.

Yesterday would be a wedding anniversary were I still married. Thirty years, is a long time, and yet I did not manage that. There are so many things I could have and should have done differently. Taking accountability for my failings was not always something I could easily do. Learning to accept and be comfortable with my weaknesses is one of the more significant things I’ve learned to do. I continue to learn and accept those things. It makes my friends more precious and the reality of having enemies less likely.

Thank you as always for reading,

Michael

Why Respect Matters

Hello from the diner,

When I come to the diner today, I remember how this family establishment has become part of the collective memory of my time in Bloomsburg. There was a period where I was here most every morning and names like Dave, Doug, or Father Fennessy, seated at the left counter as you walked into the corner restaurant, were as constant as the days of the week. There were our own coffee cups (mine said “The Professor”) and four children, who were young and are now, for the most part, parents. I remember the first day one of them waited on guests versus only bussing. I remember the son looking at his father with the exasperated son-look, once upon a time. Now he is a carbon copy of him on the flattop. Memories of the youngest coming up to me at an area basketball game to say hello and bringing Easter baskets to all of them as they worked 7 days a week. Now I come on my own schedule, often sitting at the counter alone, other times with a former student. My exchange son loved coming to the diner, and his favorite food was scapple, that NEPA, Pennsylvania Dutch delicacy. What they (now three generations) bring to the community and their investment into Main Street can never be overstated. And yet while their lives have transformed generationally, they are now an important constant to the town and Husky Corner. They have and are enduring their own significant struggles like most do, but they soldier on, seldom slowing down and continuing to care about the people who enter the dinner daily. How? Why? I believe the answer, while multifaceted, is also rooted in the respect they have for themselves as business owners, but also in the decency they possess as simply good people. Over the years I have watched them help others, provide employment, and genuinely care about both their guests and the community at large, seldom asking for anything in return. They are a loving, entertaining, and giving family, not only for each other, but they have embraced the town as an extension of themselves. That is respect.

It’s is a value, an attribute, that I was taught as a child from the time I could walk or talk. My grandmother was one of the most polite and elegant people I have ever met. I remember her, even when angry, which was not often, she did not raise her voice; she did not swear, and I remember her way of saying she was upset was “I am so angry I could just spit!” Perhaps the most terrible thing we might say to another when we grew up was to tell them to shut up. I think I would have been in more trouble for that than if I had dropped the notorious F word, which of course, I did not know. When I was about 8 or so, she told me to always be a gentleman, another way of saying be respectful. I promised I would. Now today, when I have lived longer than she did, I realize the depth of that request and the promise I made to do so. Some of the other ways respect was just instilled in us included never addressing an adult by their first name, holding the door open for someone or giving up your seat for an elderly person; additionally, using manners, not interrupting, or waiting to be spoken to when in a group of adults was just accepted as givens. When I listen to the interactions between parents and offspring today, I am stunned. This is not to say I was in any shape or form always respectful in my home. In fact, when others would compliment me to my mother about my manners, she was more likely than not to look at them as if they had to be mistaken. I imagine it was similar for many in my generation. And yet, outside the house, I was very respectful. Of course, the Marine Corps instilled that in me beyond anything I could imagine. The other day I said ma’am to someone significantly younger than I am (and while I do know them, so that might have influenced their reaction), I do believe they were offended. Especially if I do not know someone, I am inclined to address them as ma’am. If I am walking down the street with a female, I will always attempt to walk closer to the street, and I might (often will) ask them to switch sides to manage that. Most certainly, I will try to treat everyone with respect as a general rule.

In the last couple weeks, it’s become apparent there is a small group of kids (midteens) who want to be the resident little thugs in town, riding their bikes and generally showing little or no mind to what they do or little regard for the consequences of their actions. I was walking down the sidewalk and two of them were standing by a house. The larger of the two had a nerf-type gun in his hand that appeared to have a clip of sorts with bullets. I acknowledged them and kept walking. When I was about 15 yards beyond them, he fired a shot and hit me square in the neck on the backside of my head. While it did not hurt, I will admit it startled me. I turned around and looked at them and he muttered out he was trying to hit the truck close by me. I just shook my head and turned around to continue on my way. At that point, I heard him say, “Dickhead!” I turned around again and took a step toward them and they disappeared down the alleyway. A few seconds later, he came riding by on his bike (on the opposite or the street), and I motioned and asked him to come to me, which he did. We had a conversation about the reality of the situation. I explained that he did not know me or what kind of a person I was, further explaining that he might do that to someone who might go after him. He was actually attentive and polite. I did tell him at the end of the conversation it was a good shot. The very next day I heard a ruckus outside my window in the library parking lot. As I looked out the window, this same boy and another were rolling on the concrete punching the bejeebers out of each other. A woman librarian was trying to break it up and they almost knocked her to the ground. I went to the parking lot and by the time I got there, three police cars had arrived. While the young man I now saw two days straight was waiting, I chatted with him again. I found out he is 16, and I explained that he is at a point he could be charged as an adult if the prosecutor saw fit. Long story short, the police were going to each boys house, and they sent them home because they knew where they lived. Not a good thing when you are still in your midterms. While speaking to two of the librarians what I heard about some home lives was dreadful.

The point of all of this gets back to the title of this post. Everywhere we look, regardless the station someone holds, our country is experiencing a disregard for common decency, for decorum or respect in ways I do not remember seeing in my lifetime. From the teenager on the street in small town America to those we have chosen to represent us, I hear language and observe actions that my parents, my grandparents would never tolerate. Seldom is there a day where we are not confronted by something that seems to further erode the standards we were raised with, born to believe necessary. I have no solution on some grand scale to be sure, but perhaps we need to step back and imagine something better. What would that better look like? What would we hope to experience in a better world? Respect for the other perhaps begins with respect for ourselves. Just a thought. Why is it important? If you find what you see happening a cause for concern, you have answered the question. Aretha said it specifically in her well-known tune, but thinking about it is a start.

Thanks as always for reading,

Michael

“The Road Not Taken”

Hello on the first of June,

As noted by my father regularly, time will begin to seemingly pass by more rapidly. Of the many wise things, truthful things he said, this one might be the more accurate. At least, that seems to be the case as I consider how we got to the first of June, and it seems like only a few weeks ago it was mid-March, and I was watching the tournaments. In barely three weeks, we will have entered yet another season, the proverbial days will begin to shorten, and as the Spring has gone, I not sure we even had one. When I ponder the concept of time, there is always a rather dichotomous perception, simultaneously flying by when I look at the breadth of past time as well as the immediate plodding along when we anticipate something yet to occur.

And yet the flying by aspect seems to be more my sense of things, the daily routine as I go about what I either must or decide to accomplish. The reality of retirement has been an evolving process, something I can truly say I was less prepared for, something more unpredictable, than I might have ever anticipated. While I have noted more than a few times, I am quite sure I never really had any sense of what I would do “when I grew up,” I do believe my life took me down paths, roads never imagined. We often work toward something, and yet have little control over anything beyond ourselves. How often do we follow some pathway, roadway, because it seems appropriate, less difficult or contentious? How often do we proceed because something is expected of us, possibly even demanded? But more importantly, even significantly, as a consequence we fail to experience, let alone even realize, the alternative road?

When I reminisce, reflecting on 70 years, what I recognize clearly is how specific decisions placed me firmly on a particular path, and more often than I realized at the time I had little idea where it might lead nor its outcome – that path, be it a somewhat reasonable or perhaps a misguided esplanade, would, however, change life’s trajectory. Certainly, looking back, some of the more consequential choices led me down somewhere profoundly different. A choice to return to Dana my senior year, to pursue seminary postgrad rather than law school, can easily be shown to take a very different direction, but it also led to dating someone, who would become my first wife, something that had tremendous consequences. Choosing to move from Lehighton to the Upper Peninsula following a first call not only to old change my geographic location, it would lead to a change of vocation. And applying for a position as someone ABD would create an encounter with a small statured Austrian, as well as lead me back to Pennsylvania, where to night I attended a dinner for an amazing young woman who is graduating from high school, the same young woman whose parents were my most influential colleagues, a relationship that began in Wisconsin, and about 17 years ago I watch her take her first steps.

Only God knows what might have happened might my decisions been something different. I had a conversation with a former student about just how deterministic he believes life to be. Every interaction I had in the last 24 hours can be traced back to something that was decided some 27 years ago if I choose to pull that thread, seeing how it might all unravel. What if the significant time I spent my first couple years back in Bloomsburg would have prompted a different choice? What if I had not asked a young woman if she were available to clean my apartment and eventually my house? What if I had not gone to Poland a second year and encouraged a young man he needed to get up and get on a bus? Is it all preordained or do we have some input into it all? And even farther back, what if I had not asked someone if they were a seminary student when they walked into a gas station, where I had a part-time job as a cashier?

Currently, even what now seem less consequential choices because of retirement are not any less important. One of the breakfast bunch told me I never listen to his advice, and I told him that I might heed his advice more than he believed to be the case. The invitation of someone to attend a Wednesday morning group at our public library had introduced me to yet another incredible group of people, moving my social group more into the community versus the academy. The poem by Robert Frost is well-known, and the relationship I have to that poem is an interesting one. An intern pastor at my little home congregation in NW Iowa was Ruth Frost. She was both a talented artist (and she taught members how to create stained glass, which still adorn the sanctuary there), and a prolific writer in her town right. While they are not related, I believe his poem and her life have profound parallels. She was and is a gifted preacher and counselor, and the ministry she engaged in during that year in my home congregation was effective and life-changing for many, including my father.

To say my father was a traditionalist would be a bit of an understatement, and I remember him referred to this woman intern as a “girl.” He struggled to see a female in a role headed toward being clergy. Even then I was aware of the importance of inclusivity before it was as much of a buzz, if I can characterize that time as such. I think the reality of Ruth would have more consequence for my father than he knew as his own daughter would share her own sexual presence not all that many years later. I have never really pondered that too carefully until writing this blog. I think, looking back, perhaps the Rev. Frost did more to open eyes, though she did not openly explain herself in that time, perhaps for both my father and my sister, each from their own view and experience. It is something I need to ponder a bit more intentionally. What I see most clearly, both in its context from then to now, is the complexity of how choices made, yes, roads taken or not, simultaneously allow us options and eliminate them. Perhaps that is merely stating the obvious, but even what seems obvious is never as simple as we hope it to be. If the past week has done anything, it has reminded me there are no givens, no guarantees, there is life, and the path is seldom clearly marked, and more importantly, it can be treacherous, traumatic, and unpredictable. In the end, it is a road nonetheless, and we are always dependent on the love of another.

Thank you as always for reading,

Michael

Obi-Wan Kenobi or Darth Vader – the Ultimate Dialectic

Hello from a day of early morning errands,

While it’s only Tuesday, it seems I have done enough stuff to manage an entire week. It is a beautiful day, not overly warm, but the sun is shining brightly, somewhat a rarity the past few months, but at least for a few days it might be a needed companion. I believe it was first apparent when I was in graduate school in Houghton, but I am quite sure I would fall into the category of Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). When I first found my way to the electric beach, as I call it, it was not about color as much as it was about a quick rejuvenation. Amazing what 15 minutes could do; the other time I felt this kind of hopefulness was when I was on the Harley.

While I cannot in any real manner claim to be a Star Wars aficionado, if you ponder the characters of Obi-Wan Kenobi and the polar opposite, Darth Vader, without working too hard, we have our the inner workings of our human struggle working toward the thing we wish, while simultaneously running from the thing we fear. This inner dialectic confounds us, and George Lucas used this struggle, offering us an opportunity to ponder our dilemma and becoming a billionaire in the process (his current worth is in the billions). The number of people who still eat, breathe, and sleep this galactic empire is now generational, and not surprisingly. Again while I have not watched all the movies, I too have been pulled in by the force, left to ruminate on what the two characters in my title offer us.

There are actually dissertations written about the battle that occurred in the empire, questioning everything from the basics of their battle to the philosophical principles and if they can actually manifest themselves as portrayed. In our fragile humanity, loss, injury, or misfortune can leave us disillusioned, hopeless, and bitter, and yet the character of Obi-Wan in his stoic mindfulness seems to choose the light regardless of whatever befalls him. There is a humility in him that is incomparable that, in spite of the unparalleled trust others place in him, he does not see himself as their leader, deferring regularly to the council. This is where one can see most clearly the battle between what is the living or the unifying force of the Star Wars World. While this particular focus would be enough for this post, allow me the freedom to look at “the dark side.” Darth Vader, whose every aspect creates the ultimate antithesis, is the epitome of Friedrich Nietzsche’s will to power. Power for us is intoxicating. Consider our current world for a moment. Emotion and passion are essential elements of our humanity, and Darth Vader believes deeply in expressing those emotions; however, the emotions focused upon are anger, pain, and hate. All three are not wrong, nor should they be repressed, but likewise the unbridled expression of them results in profound damage. Vader’s nihilistic, existential authoritarianism is justified by his deterministic foundation. And yet, even Darth Vader is willing to give himself to sacrificial love in the end. Schopenhauer’s metaphysics of unity, the need of our love to encompass the other wins out.

So then what are we to say to this? For years, I have found myself mystified by the concept of “the other.” My first experience, at least my awareness of such a possibility, was when I met a foreign exchange student from Germany. Her name was Monika (and I do think it was with a K) and she was from a small town outside Köln, mit Namen Bergisch-Gladbach. She was the first European my age I had ever met. I would actually go to her parent’s house some years later during my first trip to Germany. Both of her parents were musicians and taught at the university. When I was in college and seminary, I was drawn to exchange students because I was both fascinated and humbled by their intelligence, their ability to think and analyze more critically, and by their more sophisticated world view. I remember playing chess in seminary with a German student. He annihilated me weekly, and when I stalemated him once, you’d think I’d won the world chess championship. It was quite pitiful. In the years since, my travels and time in the academy afforded me the opportunity to meet a number of amazing people from throughout Europe to Central America, from the Caribbean to South America. Hosting exchange students continued to broaden my understanding and appreciation for this world in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Perhaps the most significant consequence that embracing the concept of and being open to the other is I finally began to understand myself. We are complex; we want order and yet too often run toward chaos. I have two people I admire deeply, but they seem to thrive on chaos. It stresses me out, and it’s not my chaos. And yet opportunities are often accompanied by chance, and chance invites chaos. Is it possible to live with dignity and courage while simultaneously caring for the other? To see love as something we do not possess or need to, but rather as something to give? I think we have too often been conditioned to believe that love, relationships, or situations are something to control rather than allow. Perhaps our dark side is plain and simple selfishness. The reality of our human struggle is how we might find it possible to focus on what we have to offer rather than what we believe we are owed. Lately, I have specifically stated how fortunate I have been to live the life I have. Again, I have specifically verbalized that no one owes me anything. And yet there is always the balance in my own dialectic. How can I work more diligently to be selfless? How can I treat the other with the appropriate level of respect, even when I do not always understand the other? What happens when my heart wants to be Obi-Wan, but my actions appear to be more Vaderish (is that a word)? Perhaps it is in my awareness, I can remain in the light. I’ve shared this video before, but it seems apropos here.

May the Force Be with You, and thank you for reading.

Michael

To Lament or To Learn

Hello from the micro-acre,

The summer I did my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at St. Luke’s in my hometown of Sioux City, there was a lot on my plate. I had been diagnosed with what then was determined to be Ulcerative Colitis, I was on leave from the seminary, was planning a wedding at the end of the summer, and perhaps, most importantly, I was working diligently to figure out who I was. That might sound a bit surprising for someone who was almost 29 years old, but what my rotation in Peds, Peds Intensive, and Peds Oncology taught me that summer was much more than I could have ever anticipated. I remember asking my supervisor, the Rev. Dr. Steve Pohlman if he put me in Peds (my brother had died at 26, leaving little children under the age of five) because I had experience with that event or so I might understand that event in my life. He looked at me calmly, smiled, and answered simply, “Yes.” And then he walked away. In addition to our weekly meetings, our verbatims, our critical incident reports, our morning pre-surgical rounds, and daily floor requirements, we did a family of origin assignment. There was a lot.

As previously noted in this forum, and certainly more than once, I do not have a typical family background (e.g. the mom, dad, two and a half kids, the white picket fence, and the dog, that quintessential American Dream). Being on my third family before I was 5, and having three different names on my current birth certificate should be enough to dispel that typical experience. So doing a family of origin was both arduous and emotional. It was the first time I looked at the reality of the family I had been adopted into (which again is still related to my biological father, through his mother). It was the first time I had to verbally come to terms with how my childhood experiences had shaped the person who was getting married at the end of that summer. I am still grateful to my supervisor for the gentle and thoughtful manner he handled that event, which was more traumatic than I could even realize at the time. I had little understanding until later that fall that my mother was chemically dependent on prescription drugs or OTC drugs because they were doctor prescribed. I have little or no understanding that my mother suffered from what we would now call PTSD from some of her own life experiences. And I was certainly not prepared for how all of that would affect my own life or relationship with my soon to be wife.

Now forty years later, I see things so differently, profoundly so. While I was succeeding on a number of levels, and that is what many saw, inside, I was a floundering little boy still wanting to be loved and appreciated. Two events that summer really brought that home. One was a conversation with my adopted father about his life and how he saw it; the second was a conversation with my mother about my sister and me being adopted at the ages of 2 1/2 and the later months of my being 4. The stark reality of those conversations and what they revealed have stayed with me to this day. And yet, what I choose to do with all of that, what I can manage moving forward, what I allow those events to do to me are all on me. What four decades of wandering (ironic that it is about 40 years, and the Biblical connection to that number), what a little more than four decades of pondering and a significant number of those years in counseling has done. Are there moments of lament? Most assuredly, there have been. Are there moments of avoidance, pretending against all, that I might just forget or ignore? Again, undoubtedly so. And perhaps most significantly, but not easily, there have been periods of profound learning. And while that learning is neither continuous or always progressive, there has been learning just the same. The Biblical process of lament is well documented, and certainly perhaps the most famous lament is Psalm 22, the words Jesus is believed to have cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?!” What incredible words of seeming abandonment, of desperation. In my desire to be as transparent as possible, I remember somewhat regularly wishing as a child that I would just die and not have to be in the Martin house. That is a sad admission, but an honest one. I remember asking God why we were adopted and not allowed to stay at my Grandmother’s where I knew I was loved (I did not understand how her struggle with alcohol had a bigger consequence)? So lamentation was a normal part of my growing up.

And to be sure, I have little doubt that all of us have those laments. I have been in conversation with a high school classmate, and we have shared significant stories from our childhood. Things that happened behind closed doors, and were not discussed in public, and yet what it demonstrates is each and every one of us have those areas of struggle and to some degree trauma. And yet, what to do with it all? Victimization whether it is done to us, or we do it to ourselves, is terribly damaging. And continuing to be or allow, to consider ourselves, perpetual victimhood becomes a learned helplessness. This is not to say changing the pattern is easily accomplished, I am implying no such thing. The struggle (that seems to be a common word here) and consequence of being the victim is a distorted understanding of agency, or at the very least, a less than optimal use of one’s agency. The balance between allowing someone to grieve their past, which is necessary, and the difficult work to move beyond it, which is perhaps at best no longer allowing it to control their life, is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. Furthermore, trauma has an uncanny ability to reassert itself into our lives, even when we believe we have done the arduous work to move beyond that event. I know that sort of Scrooge’s Christmas Eve visitation all too well.

Yet, coming to terms with the ghosts of our past keeps them from controlling our future. Learning who we are as well as why we are is a significant piece of mastering our lives. Being profoundly honest with the person we see in the mirror allows both allows for our understanding the person we have become, but more importantly, offers the opportunity to create a life of possibility. In addition, my choosing to overcome my victimhood allowed me to forgive my mother. The freedom sensed through that forgiveness was life-changing. It was not until I forgave her that the deep-seated sadness, hurt, and anger disappeared from my life. I had to learn to forgive. The weight of that lack of forgiveness, often expressed in seemingly unprovoked anger had done damage to me more times than I could have ever realized. The burden of that life affected me personally and professionally in ways unimaginable. While the title of my blog posits it as an either/or, more accurately, it is a both/and. Lamenting the difficulties of our life is appropriate because it acknowledges those events. Learning to move beyond with a sense of self, with a belief in agency, and the ability to change gives us hope, allows us the possibility of goodness, and creates a bond of love, for life and for the other.

Thank you as always for reading,

Michael

Where Do We Find You?

Hello from Bloomsburg,

It’s Friday, and it’s been a week of extremes when it comes to what I was planning for and what I was not. It began with the Memorial Day, and I was fortunate to attend the commemoration of veterans at one of the most well-kept of area cemeteries. The event was nicely managed, and it reminded me of some of our better angels that we are all part of when we allow. It had been some time since I either attended or was involved in a service. Bella, the beetle, which received significant damage because of my mistake and misfortune and was in the body shop, was completed in time to pick it up on Thursday. The timing was important; I could get the required vehicle inspection and oil change today before the month’s end. All of that was planned.

Going where I regularly go for my vehicle inspections and all my other mechanical needs, I made a phone call to a relative of the service manager after turning my car in (this has been a ritual of sorts. The person called if someone for whom I have tremendous appreciation, and on multiple levels; he now lives in South Carolina. A bit surprisingly, he immediately answered the phone. I told him where I was and he informed me his brother had already texted him. We caught up a bit, and he noted he had another phone call, but would call back. Meanwhile, I caught up with a classmate from Iowa on a second phone call. As promised, my SC friend called back and then told me to go back inside the auto facility because they had a question. As I walked in, I noted it was amazing that it took a phone call from South Carolina to get me back into the shop. From behind the computer screen up pops the South Carolina friend. I think it took more than a second to register what had just happened. Oh my goodness!! I was almost speechless, which for those who know me, seldom happens. Not what I expected nor whom I expected to find behind the counter.

We walked outside and he informed me that they had gotten in from the South at 3:30 a.m.. Then the conversation took a turn. He asked if I heard anything, to which I responded, “No.” The name I heard next, however, I had just read about in the morning paper. His great-nephew had tragically died getting hit by a car. The details of the accident are heartbreaking, and the mother, whom I have known since she was in middle school, the father, and a single digit aged sibling are beyond devastated. The grandmother, was my former house cleaner, and I spoke at her funeral when she passed of a heart issue in her 30s. I have been blessed by now four generations of this family and my heart aches immeasurably for them in this time. Much like a trip to ICU to Geisinger, made in the cold of winter February 2016, today on a beautiful day, I drove to Orangeville to spend time with extended family, some of the same people, a few months beyond 10 years. There was no question that I needed to find them as again they needed to know that the love and care they have always given me was there in return.

Any loss of life is profound, and it can be difficult to make sense of our finitude, but the number of ways this goes beyond anything I’ve experienced in some time, be it in the parish, in life, even in my own family, cannot be fathomed. The crying out in pain, in shock, in devastation, wondering where the love, compassion, or any idea of mercy from God goes out into the heavens in a way unparalleled. There are no adequate words, nor should there be, the attempt at Christian platitudes will never make this acceptable. There is no manner or degree of emotion, possible level of lamentation that might provide some sense of solace in this time. The change that has been thrust upon anyone who knows this child, this miraculous creation of two loving people, cannot be understood, nor can it perhaps ever be. Where are you, God, in this time of need that cannot be measured by emotion, voiced in any utterance of language? How do we find you? While I can certainly understand the clichés of fairness, I do not want to use the word because it is trite at best. How is it such tragedy is cast upon a mother, a daughter, who lost her mother too early? What allows for a parent, grandparent, and now great-grandparent to suffer such profound pain? How, O Lord, do we find you in the midst of such grief?

Generally I write a blog for myself and my own struggles, but this time I write on the behalf of a family I love deeply, a family who has blessed my time in Bloomsburg. When I spoke at the funeral 10 years ago, I recounted how meeting a young woman in the laundromat changed my life. It was true then, and it’s more profoundly true today. God, you have noted in your word, “Your thoughts are not our thoughts, and Your ways are not our ways.” Indeed, but how do I, we, find you in the midst of the brokenness and heartache I see in the people I love. Two young girls are now amazing young ladies; I saw their tears then and I see them now. Two incredibly faithful great-grandparents are stoically again at the head of a family you call your children. I hurt, Lord, for them. I am unwilling to accept that allowances of tragedy are simply life because if I do, I know not where to turn. Lord, into their grief, our grief, I beg you to show a sign of the great compassion we so desperately need in this time. Please show us there is more. Grant them the promise of your love and grace in this time.

Thank you as always for reading,

Michael

Not Merely Called, but Being Called For and To

Hello on a the last few days of May,

The last day of May is a significant day in my lifetime. It is the day I graduated from high school as well as the day I was confirmed by the Rev. T. P. Solem, the interim pastor we had between the pastor I remember as a small child, the Rev. Orion Anderson and the Rev. Paul Ofstedal, my pastor through my high school years. When I graduated as a member of the first class of West High School, leaving within the month for MCRD, I had no understanding of the concept “being called.” There is an irony that the two significant life-moments that occurred on that 31st of May have characterized and enveloped most of my adult life.

Luther spent significant time on the concept of vocation, the belief that our life’s work is a calling. How many people see their work as a sort of earthly purgatory as they earn their way to salvation? How many people see their path in life as something to endure, to suffer through, and why? Is it as simple idea that the very word work (arbeiten in German) is dark and about hardship? I thought it appropriate to return to the German as that was the native tongue of Luther. Arbeiten in German is closely connected to the idea of diligence, toil, or stress as well as the adjective of hardship (which is also a feminine word, perhaps not ironically considering the role of women in history). I have bought into this emotional baggage of the idea of labor more than I wish at times. Before I return to that idea of struggle, I believe we employ (pun intended) it in any area of our life we find less than desirable. Recently, I was part of a thread where one of my classmates revealed a significant level of sadness about their treatment through grade school and beyond. This individual was one of my closer friends throughout my childhood, in part because we worked to navigate a similar physical stature (we were both smaller than most everyone else) as well as we went to the same church and were involved in a number of church things together. They were incredibly intelligent as I remember, and also disciplined. What their texts to our group revealed was how words and actions of our classmates created significant hurt that they have held for a half a century. That is profound. As I ponder what I remember, I think there were other elements to their struggle, but certainly, the treatment of our childhood group had life-long consequence.

The idea of grace for us in our brokenness can be agonizing when what we feel first is hurt, rejection, or a sense of otherness. And yet, when Luther wrote about the idea of justification by faith, the promise of a loving God that is foundational, Luther frees us to something better. Known as the five solas,the Reverend Dr. Derek Brown writes,
“[Humanity] is justified by faith alone (sola fide), in Christ alone (sola Christus) by God’s grace alone (sola gratia) to the glory of God alone (soli Deo gloria). We find these truths and everything else required for life and godliness in the Scripture alone (sola Scriptura)” (2018). Vocation was part of the sacred before this, allowing for church related positions to be considered vocational, which, of course, worked well in the medieval dichotomy of sacred versus secular (Brown, 2018). It also falls in line with Luther’s own personal disdain for the idea of works first, and why he had referred to James as an epistle of straw, something to be burned. Ironically, Luther would refocus our idea of all work as something that can be regarded as good when it is performed to the glory of God, in the service of the other. Through God’s grace, and by faith, something gifted to us by the Holy Spirit, any work done in the service of the other glorifies our Creator. Again, I should give credit to the article of Brown for providing such a concise and manageable view of the connection between justification and vocation.

As I consider the two positions that provided me life, sustenance, and a sense of calling, one might believe it is easy to see them as such, but nothing could be farther (or further) from the truth. I remember writing a letter to the pastor who served my congregation when I returned to Sioux City from the service, asking for advice about my struggle as I attempted to decide if I should go to seminary following my undergraduate (the other option was law school). Father Fred, as both his son David and I referred to him, hand-wrote a letter in which he encouraged me to be open to the call of the Holy Spirit, even if it meant going to seminary. His letter did more to point me in that direction than any other thing (although not wanting to disappoint my mother might have been a close second). The day I was ordained, I was overwhelmed to the point of being sick to my stomach because of the vows I had just taken. And yet, there were certainly times as a parish pastor that the sense of call was lost in the midst of all the vocation of being a parish pastor required. I think I understand call so much better now. Moreover, working to obtain my PhD was long and arduous. Additionally, like being a pastor would cost me a marriage, being a PhD student had a similar consequence (let me be honest and note, I also made significant mistakes in both situations, so it was not merely the calling to either the parish or the academy). I remember my first semester at the University of Wisconsin-Stout; while I was ABD, I was in no way prepared for what that first semester would throw at me. From the dynamics of the department to not having software in a lab, my own struggles in coming to grips with three new preps, a new breed of student, the first year was not a complete failure, but there were many more negatives than positives. More than once I specifically remembering asking myself “why in the world would I want to do this?” From a couple of colleagues to one particular student, a single mother, without them, I am pretty sure I would not have survived. In spite of a somewhat developed sense of vocation or call, I did not see or feel it.

The important question is why? What happened either to me or because of me to obscure any sense of being called to or for something? The grammar wonk will come out at the moment. My title is being called. As a passive voice verb, the subject receives the action rather than performing it. Called without the passive voice sense, it seems pushes us into the German idea of arbeiten much more completely than we realize. And even when I knew it conceptually, too often I did not allow it to occur. If we see our positions, our daily tasks, from our perspective first, rather than how what we do has value or positive consequence for the other first, we elevate the position, and by extension, ourselves rather than see what we do as service to the other. It is not that we should not be diligent, work tirelessly, and hope to improve, but rather we should do it because of the difference it makes for the individual struggling to understand God’s graciousness, the student who believes they are not smart enough or capable enough. It reminds me of the words of my confessions professor, the Rev. Dr. Gerhard Forde. It is not what we do that saves us, that has already been done. It is what we do with that gift. To be called be it to the parish or the academy was to be called by God, regardless the church or university. It was called for service to the parishioner, the person struggling with loss, with family dysfunction, with the confirmation student who cared little about what happened in that class. It was called for service to that student who came up to me the first day of class with an accommodation and tears in their eyes, for the student who tried to balance the expectations of professors, parents, and friends; yes, for that student who could neither come to the lab nor afford the software on their own computer because they were a single mother.

Throughout time, I have been blessed to serve so many. What I believe now is I was called for and to my entire life. There are still times I forget that passive voice nature of being called, but many times the consequence is less than stellar. What could have made a profound difference blends into the proverbial woodwork because it becomes less than its potential. Grace is an incredible thing. It is there for the taking, but too often we fail to receive it. Luther reclaimed the idea of vocation, and if we are brave enough to step back and receive it, the result is life changing. It is freeing, and it allows for such a much more incredible life. It is amazing.

Thank you as always for reading, and I wish God’s grace upon you all.

Michael

Wishing, Hoping, or Something More

Hello from the cubicle,

I have writing a lot about the concepts of hope, its importance to our individual wellbeing, as well as to the importance of it for society in general. What happens when there is a lack of hope or a sense of disillusionment to the level of hopelessness. Certainly as we age, we can understand the difference between idealism, an unrealistic hope, the infamous pie-in-the-sky sort of wishfulness or a deep-seated believe that something can change for the better. And yet, we all can buy into the sort of 1 in a hundred million chance for that profound change. The lottery would not be so popular if people did not submit to that unrealistic desire of instant wealth. I think I have played the lottery less than five times in my entire life, and each of those times was when there was a record payout, and my participation was contributing to a pot of about 10 people. In the spirit of disclosure, I have not won a single dollar, not even a penny. And yet I want to believe in the possibility of something changing, of the reality for me that thoughts and prayers, which had a different connotation than it currently does (and for some honest reason) do offer the possibility of the Holy Spirit making a difference.

I believe that hopes and wishes are connected. That the action of doing either can offer some sense of contentment, an efficaciousness that provides some solace when most needed. Physiologically the act of wishing and hoping releases dopamine in our brains, which consequently lower the release of cortisol, lowering stress or anxiety. And that is just the result for our CNS. Additionally it has demonstrated positive results for our cardiovascular health as well as support better respiration (I did some research on this, I did not know all of it, though I had some sense). Likewise it can assist in our body’s ability to heal, and it usually generates healthier habits in general (NIH). On the other hand blind or unrealistic wishing also has physical consequence. Because it is nigh impossible, it can result in exhaustion, disillusionment or burnout. I can imagine Sisyphus might have ended up in this position.

I think at times wishing is somewhat akin to praying. I remember one of my seminary professors, when lecturing on the reality of prayer noted there are three answers: yes, no, and not yet. I had never really considered that as we too often believe the only answer to prayer is the one we want. Perhaps it is our naïveté, perhaps our selfishness. And yet hoping, believing in the power of prayer is significant for those who claim faith or hold that intercession makes a difference. The important of difference is something often overlooked, overshadowed by the difficulties in the moment as well as by our human propensity for impatience. I remember as a child praying a prayer that went something like this. “Please keep me from getting spanked, and I promise I’ll never do it again.” Somehow that prayer was never answered, or more accurately it was answered with a serious no. It’s really quite astounding how quickly we grasp for what we wish or hope. Our desire for instant success, for gratification in the moment.

As I write this, it is Memorial Day weekend. It is the time we remember those who gave their lives in the service of our country, those who leave their family behind as they are deployed across the world. I think of the boot camp experience and those 85 days of processing and training. The hoping that I would survive that experience was more profound than I can ever express. The first phase of boot camp was assimilation, the second was learning about becoming a rifleman and what being an infantry person required, and third phase you begin to believe more than merely hope. Much of my life, from working toward degrees to the academy, there are always levels of achievement. From commencements to tenure votes, from obtaining a position to promotions, the hope for advancement is always on your mind, a weight on your shoulders. It is not merely wishing or hoping for something. It requires much more. It requires confidence; it requires discipline; it requires both optimism and faith in your abilities. Faith in oneself is not an absence of fear nor of failure, but it is quiet daily trust and learning to adapt. There is no need for perfection, but merely the necessity to reframe my humanity, both accepting my limitations while simultaneously pushing them. Where I first learned to push them was through my enlistment in the United States Marine Corps. That 17 year old, barely-making-weight, naive boy (I seriously weighed the minimum I could) cried under his pillow the first two nights of boot camp. Having a Senior Drill Instructor with the name of SSgt. M.D. Blood might have also influenced that fear (you cannot make that up!!). The number of times I struggled to keep going (being labeled Pvt. Chicken Body was a bit of an additional detriment). And yet the pride I felt at graduation had never been equaled in spite of some pretty significant achievements. As I ponder the sacrifices of the previous generations of Americans, I am profoundly aware of their own hopes and wishes for the country, this place called the United States. The belief of those individuals Tom Brokaw called “the greatest generation,” which include those in my parents generation, was that there was nothing impossible; if you hoped it, you wished it, it could happen.

I watched the Memorial Day Service from the Capitol that cannot help, but instill a sense of pride and patriotism that is not misguided, but rather reminds me of the something other, those moments, those events, those times that cause us to dig deep believing in both the possibilities of who we can become, being honest with our shortcomings, but having a deep-seated desire to do better. The number of times tears streamed down my face as I watched the concert are numerous. And yet, I am appropriately humbled and proud to be a veteran, patriotic, but honest with our present difficulties in the world. On this Memorial Day, I give thanks to my family and generations back to the Revolution (according to my cousin). I think that consistent service up to the current generation is something that gives me both pride and awe of what this country can inspire. I am proud to be who I am, an American child.

Thank you as always for reading.

Michael

Silence: Wisdom’s Best Reply

Hello at the end of an great weekend,

This past week a close friend asked me about how I seem to know how to respond to what someone says or just how to reply in a given situation. Let me preface my response with an honest disclaimer. I certainly have been know to put both feet in my mouth and chew vigorously upon occasion. And why that must get have been more the case earlier in life, it can still happen. On another front, generally speaking, from a young age, I’ve had the ability to come back with a quick retort that often leaves the hearer with no response, and quite often a look of disbelief. I must say it has gotten me in hot water on more than one occasion (earlier in my life most often with my mother). Even when I was in the academy I was (and still am) able to read others pretty well, allowing me to respond to a given circumstance or student in a way that is tailored to the particular moment. In fact, students have noted, “Dr. Martin, we’re never sure what is going to come out of your mouth.” That is a double-edged sword for both sides of that equation.

I remember asking a student if they took lessons to act as stupidly as they were. A remember telling a nursing student if the level of commitment I saw in my class was indicative of their work on a floor, I did not want them in my room. Both responses are tough and push, but both students came back to thank me. Conversely, I remember a student who cried when they handed me their accommodation for dyslexia. I told them to not be afraid, that just because their brain processed differently, it was no reflection on their intelligence or ability to manage college. They graduated four years ago with a GPA in the mid-threes. The number of students who came into my office, regardless of gender and used a Kleenex box or tissue were numerous. I learned to listen and offer honest and thoughtful advice. As importantly, I worked diligently to be honest and genuine with my students, and people in general, as possible. While at times my comebacks might seem instinctive, there is more than reaction that occurs. Over the weekend a former colleague offered the following after our interaction: they wrote, “Thank you. You are in my prayerful thoughts each day since you returned to Bloom. I continue to hold you in love and prayer. Although I never knew you personally, your work with students (some of my own) is legendary and that’s when you bloomed in my heart. Always kind regards.” I cried as I read it.

Over the weekend, I was honored and blessed to hood a Masters degree student who worked in the department office. As I look at the events, the happenings, the interactions I encounter daily, seldom do I merely pass them off as irrelevant, unimportant. Everything we do, each and every experience deserves our reflection, our introspection. What reflection requires is a period of silence. Often when there is silence we are uncomfortable, believing someone needs to say something, so speak up, some level of response. And yet restraint is a response, a thoughtful and oft needed course of action. While I am entirely capable of the quick comeback, the unexpected repartee, it seems more likely now I am inclined to remain quiet and ponder. Perhaps it’s merely I have more time to do so; perhaps it is because I am doing my best to avoid drama. As I noted with the above mentioned friend, I hope what I do offer makes a positive difference in the other’s life. I am more interested in providing something of value, something that provides a sense of support than merely making noise. Even as I write here, I am well aware that sometimes what I ponder creates some consternation, but seldom do I write merely to cause some discomfort. Even in my most ardent moments, my passionately partisan instances, I believe finding a middle ground, finding the positive in the person or perspective with whom or where I disagree is imperative. That is when being quiet is most efficacious.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Speak only if it improves upon the silence.” And the oft quoted Chinese philosopher, Confucius, also wrote, “Silence is a true friend who never betrays.” There is a conditional in the first statement with an if, but it can also be interpreted as an admonishment to merely slow down, step back and think. And when is it best to take a chance and speak when we might be unsure of the consequences? The summer I did my Clinical Pastoral Education, one of my summer colleagues gave me some unexpected feedback about a session where we were mutual participants. She encouraged me to listen more before speaking. As noted, that was unexpected, and honestly, not completely appreciated, but she was correct. Slowing down and listening is not something that comes easily for us. Too often we want to be heard; too frequently we have a need to interject. And just as repeatedly we fear the loss of being involved in a conversation or circumstance. Why? I think it is because the cacophony of noise that surrounds us is, in and of itself, overwhelming, frightening, and we believe we will be lost in the chaos.

I think I spent too much time dog paddling (and I actually do little more than that in real swimming) trying my best to keep my nose above the surface. As I evolved into a retired person, learning to be content, comfortable, with no schedule, with no regular requirements, has not been a simple progression. It is almost two years, and it is only in the last few weeks I have begun to feel some sense of serenity. It might be the first time in my life where I feel little sense of needing to be somewhere or do something. That is a very new thing, something I am still adapting to, but also feeling more capable of doing it. Somewhat like a introvert who can be extroverted, but worn out from the experience, learning to step back and be comfortable with silence, in my solitude, choosing to step back and not feel obligated to doing something just because I was asked, it is beginning to be more possible. I was speaking with a local clergy person this morning and we noted the idea of the clanging gong that reminds us we lose the opportunity to really learn about the other, to see the other clearly, to love the other completely. Amazing what the act of silence can do.

Thanks as always for reading.

Michael