Funny little man: Voltaire writing

Hello from the Detroit airport,

I am quite sure that this post might be a tapestry of thoughts, emotions, and memories. As I sit in the airport my mind seems to be a conundrum of possibilities and requirements, opportunities and necessities, remembering the past and imagining the future. I have my earbuds in and ironically the song from Neil Diamond’s The Jazz Singer titled “America” is playing. I will write more about irony later in this post. I am remembering the first time I heard that song, I was in then what was West Germany and traveling as a student with Dr. Nielsen on the interim titled Auguries of Loneliness. As I sit here lonely among the people crowding around me gathering for the last leg of a cross-country flight, I am content in my solitude. It is always sort of a game to try to imagine what the stories are of the people around me. While someone told me this week I am an academic and I seem like one (not sure if that is a compliment), I most often see myself as an Iowa kid who grew up blue collar and worked hard. I have been fortunate to have people who cared and loved me step up along the way. Without their help I certainly would not be where I am. One of the things that I believe makes me a bit different than most is I do not forget people, and I reach out to them from time to time to help them know they still matter and that their assistance was neither forgotten nor expected. I think that is my grandmother’s admonishment to be a gentleman put into action.

The temporality of our individual human experience is something I have been pushed to consider these past weeks. It is not quite a month ago that I needed to fly home for Lydia and to help make decisions on whether the quality of life she had been reduced to from the long-term consequences of dementia was the life she wanted. When is mere existence no longer life? Sitting with her family physician, a man I respect beyond words, said, “Michael, it makes no sense to try to prolong her life.” Those were both difficult and freeing words at the same time. This brilliant woman, strong-willed and yet loving, determined and yet fragile, had lived an amazing life. She was no longer living, she was marginally existing. To move toward palliative care was a change that was done out of love and not out of selfishness. “Another day goes by and I thank God that I am alive” (Nico and Vinz). I am not sure Lydia could say this any longer. While her temporality saw much more than many in her 90 years, 4 months and 27 days, I am forced to see her and myself as temporal.

Before you read what follows as fatalist, let me tell you simply, please don’t. I know I am temporary. At one point I chose to ignore, perhaps even foolishly argue against, such a notion. I wonder why do we struggle so desperately to hang on to this life? I think I have realized that life has a quality and maintaining that quality is not always an easy thing to do. That does not suppose that we should merely disregard what we can do, but what really matters when we hold onto our existence, even somewhat dramatically or even more sadly desperately. Is it because we believe we must still accomplish something? It is because we foolishly believe that we make such a profound difference? Again, I am not saying that those things do not have value, but are they such astounding things that our lack of physical presence will cause them to totally disappear. Lydia is no longer physically here, and while I cannot actually hear her voice or see her amazing eyes, I can say unequivocally they are still present and they affect me. I can see both her smile of approval and her scowl of the opposite as if she were still here. What I am pondering more carefully and thoughtfully is what is my purpose from this point forward? Again, please do not see me as falling of the cliff of sanity, but I know that much of my purpose this past decade was to care for and follow through on the promise I made to her.

It is certainly a good thing that I have my position at Bloomsburg and a program to continue to grow. It is a good thing that I have the Decker family. Tenure removes some of the temporality of that position and provides some security. Having the continuity with the Deckers from Wisconsin to Pennsylvania is more profound to me than they probably realize. To watch their family grow, evolve and to be treated with the respect and love they have given me again has affected my life beyond measure and in a way that is indescribable. In addition some of my other colleagues have become treasured people in my life. My former chair and present chair are astounding people. The colleague with whom I started in the department is more of a friend that I am sure he realizes. The person who was my acting chair my first semester and his wife are such a blessings to me. The English Department at Bloomsburg University is really a wonderful position to be placed in at this point in my life. Then there are the students. Speaking about temporality, they come and they go more quickly than we can even seem to manage. I have watched two sets of students complete their studies and watched them mature from wide-eyed freshmen to young professionals, still wide-eyed, but in a different way. Every once in a while I find that what I have done has had some profound positive effect. Those moments are fleeting, but they are precious. I have also learned that not everyone is as genuine as I might have hoped, but those are important life lessons too because they remind me that I have really very little control of anything but myself. Those moments are equally precious. They remind one of what is true and upon what or in whom we can believe and trust. There are very few in whom we can actually trust and perhaps even fewer in whom we can hope to believe. That brings me to a different concept. It is the concept of giving my word. Following through on to my promise to Lydia to care for her to the best of my ability was something I felt strongly about, and I still do. My word to someone, regardless who they are, needs to be trusted, to be believed. I know there are times I could be more comprehensive in making this happen, and those times affect me more than most might realize. I think this comes from my father. I know that his word to someone was almost sacred. I tried to care for Lydia as I watched him care for others, without a sense of reward, and during this time I have continued to give to others like I believed she would. What I know is the help we offer others is temporal in more than one aspect or manner than we might think.

I remember once writing a practice sermon for a preaching class in seminary. The text was the poisonous serpent text in Numbers and I titled the sermon “temporarily faithful.” That seems to be predominately who we are as humans. We hold on to things that we either value or things we believe benefit us. When the value is deemed minimal or we believe we might need to put more into something that we receive, it is easier to discard it. There have been moments in my life I am guilty of this practice, and for those times I must humbly ask for forgiveness. There is one person, a person I have loved beyond measure most of my life, I have run away from because I was frightened and felt guilty. I am not sure if I can repair this situation or not, but ignoring it is not the right thing to do. It is amazing how we can decide things or believe things that are perhaps not accurate,  but we do it and we box ourselves into something less than ideal. Over the weekend, I did have the opportunity to speak with one of the people to whom I have referred from time to time. It was an interesting, and helpful, conversation, but there are still things that do not make sense to me. As hard as I try, I cannot wrap my head around that fundamental concept or the manner in which he (and my extension, they) use this concept, word, or philosophy. I wonder what that particular word means and the two synonyms used do not connect for me. Again, I am not arguing against that position,  but I cannot see it as possible, either logically or emotionally and therefore I cannot see how it is actually practiced, particularly when the actions taken do not seem consistent with what I understand that term to be. I guess I will continue to struggle to understand. More importantly, I will continue. I know that the value and joy brought to my life far outweighs anything negative. I am not sure that is always portrayed as well as I might and for those times, again, I must ask for forgiveness.

Tomorrow I begin another semester, so it is now Monday. I am still struggling with my health and it appears after another appointment that I might have coughed so hard that I had a minor stroke. I do know exactly when that occurred as the pain I had in my head was unbelievably intense. Perhaps, ironically, that coughing finally helped because I am actually feeling a bit better, though I must admit every time I go into a coughing spell, my head is very tender and it hurts pretty badly. Again, all of this reminds me pretty clearly that we have much less control over what happens than we might think. While I have worked hard for the better part of seven and a half months to improve my health, there are some things I cannot predict or change. I will admit, as I did yesterday that the last month has not been stellar as far as taking charge of my health, and I am changing that again, the work I have done this past 3/4 of a year has been pretty darn significant. As I look toward the semester and what is on my plate, there seems to be little doubt that it will be busy and continuous, but that is nothing different. What I need to do is be smarter and more intentional about each and every thing I do. This past year, and most of my life, I allowed people I believed cared to have more control than I should. That is because I have a tendency to put others before myself. Again, I know from where that comes and while I have made some progress in that realm, sometimes it seems like two steps forward and one step back. That is better than one step forward and two steps back, but I need to make sure that I do not go backwards at all. It is such a balancing act for me. I have heard from more than a handful of people that I need to take care of myself. I am sad that my time over break was influenced by illness as much as it was. That kept me from enjoying some things, places, and people, that, or who, are so important to me. Time is fleeting and I know that is cliché, but it is cliché because we note it and then too often ignore it. We allow things to affect and influence us, turn us upside down, and then we wonder on the other end “What the hell happened?” Sort of what the Green Bay Packers are wondering this morning. As a Packer fan, I must say, I am still in a state of shock. The point is, we have opportunities to make a difference. Even in the fleeting moment, we can positively influence another persons life. Sometimes what we might do could be significant or appear significant. Other times, it might be something very simple or even mundane, but the point is we affect, and are affected by, those around us. Each of these moments are opportunities, changes to change both our own life and the lives of others around us. Too often we are selfish, narcissistic, or just plain clueless. I am so fortunate because I am, through my position in the university given entrée into others lives. I am gifted to be able to share what little I have to offer to make a bit of a difference. What I am realizing again, it the temporal nature of that chance, of that opportunity. Ultimately, I hope in the coming weeks, both in the semester, and in my life, I can focus on the gifts I have and try to share them as unconditionally as I can humanly muster. I fail there too often, but as Lydia demonstrated in her life, one can still care. I have been asked a couple times lately about the purpose of my blog and why I write as I do. I noted that writing is always contextual. I am grateful for the questions and indeed, I do go back and edit at times. Sometimes those edits are for bad writing. Sometimes those edits are for poor practice. Sometimes those edits are simply editing and proofreading.

As I told one person, I hope in my writing I reveal my soul (if so, you might catch a glimpse of who I really am), but I also hope to protect my life. I am reminded of a seminary professor that once said, while it does note that the shepherd lays down his (and I would add “her”) life, and when I was a pastor the shepherd analogy was probably more apparent, no where does it say the sheep take his (her) life. What I have learned since is if we let people, they will take more from our lives that we can afford to give. Off to a new semester.

Thanks as always for reading.

Michael (and tomorrow again, Dr. Martin)

Past Experiences~Present Ramifications

bucket list

Good morning from San Francisco,

It is not quite 6:00 a.m. here in the Bay Area, but I am awake ( my internal clock is still three hours later and on East coast time. I wanted to go to a chocolate and wine function last night, but I promised Marco I would be in bed before it began and I kept my promise. So I slept about 9 or 10 hours. I think that is the longest I have been in bed and sleeping with being ill in probably 10 years or more. Last evening a former student who was initially in my Composition I and Ii classes the second year I taught at Stout, ended up with a Major in Technical Communication, worked in the writing center and now has a Masters in Rhetoric and is teaching college, happened to be in town this weekend. So we had dinner together and then spent another hour just chatting. Tasha, the student and now I could call her a colleague, told me on the phone this past week, as we were setting this chance dinner up, that I was the closest thing to a father she had. She told me that she had to do this because she needed to see in person that I am doing okay.

Once someone told me if your profoundly affect four or five people in your entire life you have been successful. First of all, that raises questions for me (you should not be surprised); the initial question would be what constitutes profound? The second question refers to the issue of whether or not the issue of technology affects that single digit number. I enjoyed going to presentations this morning and I am glad that my sense of needing a backup stuck with me in my preparation for the presentation at the OSCLG Conference. I needed all of it this morning, including my mini-projector. Having a tablet did not work with the standard projectors. Because I had a small room I was able to get the sound to work for the space, but it was not optimal.

It is now about 4:00 p.m. PDT and I am back to my room. I got a quick trip to the ER at UCSF, and three bags of fluids later, I think I am okay. I am frustrated with my body, but I am currently resting in my in my hotel room. I have been doing what seems reasonable considering all the things on my plate, but I seem to be losing the battle at moments. It was also embarrassing that I did not have enough strength to stand up at one point or that my legs hurt so badly, they affected my mobility. I did manage it as gracefully as possible, but it still confounds me that my body is so fickle at times. Along with that I was managing two or three issues that are important in PA while being here in CA. it just was a poignant reminder that life never stops and there are always issues to manage at any moment. I was asked by my mentor from graduate school about the fact that there were 5 or 6 people at this conference from Bloomsburg. I was the only one from English; the rest were from Comm Studies, but it was once again a reminder of just how multi-disciplinary what I did at Michigan Tech really was. It prepared me in so many areas and ways for my life after graduate school. I need to speak with Patty about one of my students yet tonight. I am hoping that she would end up there too. In fact, having both Drs. Sotirin and Bergvall here will be helpful for what I can take back to Maria. That will be a dinner conversation I think as I am having dinner with the three of my mentors who are here. I am also grateful that Dr. Shoos, a third mentor is here. She is kind, elegant and brilliant.

I was thinking about the fact that they are seeing what I have accomplished with what I received from them and I had that same opportunity last evening, seeing, first hand what Tasha did what what she learned, at least in part, from me. It is interesting to me that even that first semester I saw this opportunity and possibility in her. Her work in class and her work at the writing center prepared her well. It was fun to speak about things that happened back then and hear her perspective on it now. She referred to me as her Dr. Larch and as her father. What an amazing compliment to receive. It is at times like these that one realizes that they do make some difference, if even in a small way. Tasha would probably argue that it is not a small way but she has so much life left to live. For me it is much like the Deckers; little did I know that he would become my colleague both In Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. In fact, it is ironic that I am writing about this in San Francisco because the last time I was here I was interviewing for the position at Bloomsburg University. Things always seem to come full circle. Regardless of what happens there’s always a connection to what is happening in our lives previously. I think that is the case for most people, but they take little time to reflect and realize it. As I consider the last 12 years of my life, I realize that going to Stout was much more about Lydia than a position at the university. That is not to say that my position at Stout was unimportant. It did much to prepare me for being at Bloomsburg. There is a small group of students from Stout who still stay in contact with me. Most of them seem to be quite successful in their current positions. What I learned in working with them has prepared me for what I do here at Bloomsburg. If there is a difference, it is I think I’m better at it now. Dr.. Bergvall, one of the people, who is here with me at OSCLG and her husband, were wonderful in their attention focused on helping students prepare to be professionals.. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to work with a student at a conference. While It did not turn out exactly like I expected, I am very glad that I worked with this possibility. Helping a student understand both the academics and the application of what they are learning is central to what it means to claim your education. Anyone who is taking my class, any class from me, knows that I want them to claim this education they are receiving to make it there own. For me the most important thing I learned this conference was how technology permeates our thoughts or actions, our lives. It has fundamentally changed the communicative process. As is always the case, a conference rejuvenates me. It helps me think more clearly, more passionately, more completely or deeply. Is it moments like these that I wish I was at an R-1. But I’m not sure I am actually smart enough for that, and it would take me out of the classroom more than I wish to be taken out.

I am forced to wonder what my present experiences will do for the future and for the people with whom I am currently working. Up until now I always thought it would be around to see it. Now I’m not so sure. That’s why trips to the emergency room and other medical dilemmas that are part of my life seen more troublesome to me now. It’s not the pain nor the inconvenience, it is that I am forced to deal with my temporality. I’m forced to ask myself the question, “have you been successful?” The last eight weeks has forced me to reconsider, at least in some cases, where It seems my influence has been more negative than positive and that pains me deeply. On the other hand, many positive things have also happened like weekly dinners with two seniors and helping them prepare for graduate school; working with another student who has asked me to be her honors mentor, or being both a mentor and surrogate parent to roommates who are both in the minor. I am always honored and amazed when parents tell me how much they appreciate what I have done for their sons and daughters. Ultimately, in the end, I’m not sure what the final tally will be (and more importantly, it is not about keeping score). I am reminded of the phrase from the Lutheran Occasional Services Book (I have actually noted it before): “well done good and faithful servant.” My humanity often gets in the way of my faithful service. For that I can only ask for forgiveness. What I know is I have been blessed, By things in my past that now affect my present, I am capable of seeing that gift. Yes, and so it is, more than I often realize, my past experiences have present ramifications.

Thanks for reading,

Dr. Martin