Hello from the Magee,
The weekend was a bit lowkey, but I think I enjoy that much more than I did once upon a time. And yet in my solitude, my brain is constantly wondering about who we are as humans. One of my traveling friends, someone with a few years on me, but brilliant in their own rite, to be sure, regularly admonishes me that I should quit thinking so hard. There are times I honestly try to do so, but then I watch or read something and it starts all over again. I wonder often about the goodness of another, not that I do not believe that it is possible for someone to act in a rather philanthropic manner, or even with some degree of altruism, but I wonder from where does that come? Of course, subsequently, I wonder what it is that seems to have others act a bit more malevolently? It is easy for us to point to the concept of human sinfulness. In fact, our Christian Creeds specifically point to that, and it is incredibly easy to find scriptures that support the idea that we are a bit of a mess. So what is the consequence of such a basic deleterious overview of our humanity? These are some of the “simple” concepts that I currently seem to struggle with, to ruminate upon.
As I witness the incredible discord that seems rampant throughout the world, I am compelled to question how it is we seem to bend toward that sort of discontent, ill will, and disregard for others. Is it really how we are wired as humans? Certainly, much more capable, intelligent minds than mine have considered this question. The concepts of hate, greed, self-centeredness are, on the one hand, something we all understand; simultaneously and conversely, we all aspire to living a life where empathy, love, and care for the other characterizes who we are, what we do. How is it we are well aware of what we might do to make our lives more profoundly happy, but we struggle so desperately, so completely to do it? Is there an innate goodness in our humanity? Is such a thing even possible? Is it as simple as there is an incredible tug-o-war between some desire for goodness versus our need for self-preservation? And if so, are they as mutually exclusive of the other as it might seem? Developmental Psychology has studied pre-verbal infants, noting they demonstrate a pre-disposition toward an innate moral compass, gravitating to actions that favor goodness, that seem to indicate we have a foundational desire to do what is positive, helpful. Even evolutionary science has revealed that humanity tends toward traits of empathy, a willingness to share, and develop actions that favor cooperation over strife. And why? Because such actions or behaviors are supportive of survival. Such research asserts that we are biologically driven to care for the other. And yet, if we consider our own actions toward the other, particularly when we feel we have been wronged or we are in danger, our instantaneous move toward fight or flight cannot be discounted. So where does that leave us?
There is an incredible area of study that examines the adaptive nature of the human. Some of that is because of our incredible evolution as a species; some of it is because of the neuroplasticity of our brain. If we are not hardwired in a particular way, one must come to terms with how our environment and experiences affect our understanding of our world. Much of our adaptation is the consequence of what social scientists, psychologists, and other behavioralists refer to as our own individual (and I think it can be argued collective) cumulative cultural encounters. Yes, all those things we have experienced have consequence. That is no surprise, nor would I think it should be. What I am struggling to understand is why some who experience a preponderance of goodness might seem to be more negative in their actions or attitudes toward their fellow sojourning humans and some will do precisely the opposite? What allows us to be more optimistic versus less than? I am appreciate the adaptive nature of each of us, trying our best to move forward with some sense of purpose and hope.
Let me look at it on an individual basis for a moment. Often in my posts, I have considered my younger sister, Kristina (Kris). She was 14 months younger than me. While we struggled with each other, partly because we were so close in age, more because we were so different in our personalities, and ultimately because I believe the abuse we both endured from an adoptive mother affected us profoundly. Kris endured much more than I did. Our mother seemed to single her out, that is for sure, and I believe our older adopted brother (no relation to either of us) was more protective of her than I was able to be. I think I merely tried to stay below the radar as my own acts of self preservation. As we grew, the abuse she specifically received led to her running away more than once. It led her to mistrust most very one, often withdrawing. I still believe her two or three childhood friends are the reason she was able to maintain to any degree of normalcy. I am still in touch with two of them, and I am grateful for them beyond words. Growing up in the 1960s, ideas about counseling, therapy and other sort of intervention were not something readily considered. After Kris ran away a second time, we would encouraged to attend family counseling, but when things turned toward the actions of our mother, she refused to return. Unfortunately, looking back, my father believed if we did not all go, it would serve no good purpose. We should have continued without her.
Many years later, and about two weeks after 18 years of my sister being gone, I have considered the consequence of our upraising and our very divergent responses to our mother. We were both regularly told that we did not deserve to be in the Martin house, that we would grow up of no value; she literally told us we were worthless. That had profound implications for both of us, both in the immediate sense of our daily existence, but also in how we would manage everything from daily life to spouses, from education to personal time. There are multiple ways to ponder this, and previously I have written about the consequences for us, but what about for my mother? While I still struggle with some of what she said and did, I have forgiven her; and now I wish she had an easier life. She was angry; I think she was disillusioned by what she believed her life to be; I think she desperately wanted to love and be loved. Unfortunately, it never happened. The stories I heard about my mother’s childhood were as extremely disparate as you might ever imagine, so I am unsure of some elements, but I do know they were poor, lived in the poorest area of our city, and she was the youngest of 10. Depending which aunt or uncle speaking, the stories of their childhood were varied from incredible Walton-family type love to incredible difficulties that were sometimes hard on the inner-family relationships. What I am well acquainted with is how our childhood experiences influence the adults we become, and yet, I do not believe we have to become a complete victim to our past.
It is there I believe some of what I want to hope is some innate goodness moves us, or in able to do so, beyond a sort of perpetual sadness, a blaming, a life that focuses on what should not have happened versus what can if we allow it. And yet, the path out of that difficulty is neither easy or simple to find. It can be treacherous and become overwhelming. However, as I look back the things I am most proud of never came easily. They were never handed to me. And fortunately, I was blessed by people or circumstances along the way. Somehow, I found an inner strength, and I was able to grasp onto that rope, that branch, someone’s arm, like when I was saved a day or two before I went into the Marine Corps from drowning in McCook Lake. From surrogate parents like the Goedes, the Reeses, the Sopocis in my childhood. From classmates when I was a freshman at Dana to professors and others, or when I was struggling in my relationships, grad school classmates and professors or other clergy people, there have been angels along the way, those who made the difference at the lowest of times. I wish my sister could have found those people, and I wish more than she knows that I might have been more helpful to her. The video below is for anyone who believes there is not a lot to protect or save them, for those who struggle to find goodness in our complex world. It is for my sister, who passed away much too young, and whom I believe struggled her entire life to believe she was good enough, smart enough, lovable enough. Kris, you were all of those things and beyond. I wish we could sit down and have coffee and just chat about all the things you knew. You were probably the smartest one in the family.
If you know someone who is in an untenable situation, please let someone know. We have goodness in us, I want to believe that. Thanks as always for reading.
Michael
thewritingprofessor55 