Hello from my office on an early Friday morning,
The week of obligations classes, office hours, and other requirements of the week is complete save a departmental meeting, which I cannot seem to find the information for. Hmmmm . . . Earlier this morning, Jennifer, my niece, and her husband, John, departed to return to Iowa after a week’s visit. It was a wonderful time, contributing to our relationship as uncle/niece/spouse and all the things that have developed her soon to be significant birthday. I remember the phone call I received as I was a young Marine telling me I was an uncle for a second time. There are significant points over her life that appear like a movie video spliced-together as I consider her life.
Having lost her father at barely three years old, I remember shortly following when Rob, her older brother attempted his hand at cosmetology, cutting her hair at daycare. Somehow I was along that day as their mother picked them up. Jennifer came out with a stocking hat pulled down over her ears, and the look on her face telegraphed there was an issue; Rob’s barbering left a great deal to be desired, and Jennifer had a number of various lengths to her new doo. It would take some serious repairing. I remember when a sales person came to their home and front door in the year immediately following her father’s passing. The sales person unwittingly asked if her mother or father were home. She looked up with her still radiant smile and beautiful brown eyes and exclaimed, “Mommy’s shopping and Daddy died, and he does not live here anymore.” I heard her answer as I got to the door, and the more sales person was stammering, “I am sorry.” He looked at me aghast, and I responded, “It is okay; she is explaining life as she understands it.” I remember Jennifer coming to visit when she graduated from high school, and I was living in Pennsylvania the first time. She charmed more than one of the boys in my youth group with her disarming and infectious laugh and her engaging personality. I remember her at both my father’s funeral and at my sister’s funeral years later. To see her grow into the young woman and mother she is now has been such a wonderful experience.
In the last two decades-plus, I have watched her develop into a business professional, a college graduate, a mother, grandmother, and general contractor and laborer who can do anything needed to build or repair a home. There is nothing she cannot do, and all the time maintaining an elegance and grace that few can muster even when they are focusing on it. I think of the times I have called and asked, “What are you doing?” The answer, no longer shocking, might be “roofing – drywalling – building a retaining wall – camping – working for a defense contractor – walking the dog – driving somewhere.” I think you get the picture. Her love for her family, her children, her husband (and his for her), are unparalleled. She has no idea many times how much she is admired or how she has astounded this uncle of hers. Life has not been as she planned, but she never quits to face a challenge. And there have been moments we have not agreed, and there are places we still see things very differently, but she is always willing to listen as well as state her opinion. It is one of the many things I appreciate. Even when we do not agree, we can discuss and question the other, never questioning if our relationship is in tact. She is both connected to those around her and fiercely independent. Last week when she and John came to the Wild Game Dinner at La Malbec, she walked in, and in spite of my being well aware of her beauty, stunned me yet again and how profoundly gorgeous she is. This is where you can see her mother come through. While her mother was the ultimate sort of hippy-wild-child, her mother turned heads into her 40s and 50s by her beauty and elegance. She never looked her age, and her daughter follows those footsteps to the T.
One of the things that has always amazed me is how people with the same genetics can be so incredibly different. Personality is such a differing element of who we are, of how we manage our lives, and how we are perceived and responded to, even by those who know us. For many years, I found myself running from family . . . struggling to know where I fit, be it either in my own biological family or the extended family that I would be adopted into. Jennifer is part of what would be an extended family, the daughter of the older brother, adopted by Harry and Bernice before my sister and I were. What I have realized while ageing is family is a combination of a number of things, and genetics might be the only thing we do not control. Over the last few years, I have make the choice to re-engage more intentionally, more significantly, and not surprisingly more successfully. Many of the very things I ignored or took for granted are the things I most appreciate, the things that have the most importance. As I tell my students regularly, as they create a Google map about their families and for their future children, there are no perfect families. There are so many things that affect each of us as we interact. As I write this, we are at the beginning of a Thanksgiving week. One of the things I told my students last Friday was to be careful and to take care of themselves during the coming week. Over 30 years of teaching, I have lost students during breaks to something tragic. That is not what any parent, any family should be required to endure, particularly during the holidays. I remember when that same brother noted earlier passed. It was the first time I saw my father cry. That was life-altering for me. Even now, I am on my own for a holiday, but I have learned to create a family where I am. I have friends and colleagues who have blessed me in ways that are different than those to whom I have some familial relationship. I have learned to create family from those exchange students who have graced me with their time in my home, be it from Russia, Denmark, or Estonia. Their families have graciously accepted me as an extension of their household, which was demonstrated yet again this past summer as I traveled to Humlebaek. It was inked on my arm as I added one more tattoo this past week in honor of my Russian student who graced my home with her presence for the year she was at Bloomsburg. She will get the same tattoo in the weeks ahead. She chose that tattoo.
This past weekend, I was blessed to meet the parent of one of my current students as he ended up at my home working on my furnace. What are the chances. She is a wonderful student, and I told her father that he and his wife could be very proud of their daughter. It was so amusing this morning when I showed her a picture of the two of us in my living room. We chose to not tell her that she was correct about the person he would come to do repairs for, in spite of her imagining that was possible. In many ways each of my freshmen classes become their own little family as they work to traverse the world of college in their first semester. The opportunity to do a First Year Seminar class in the kitchen at the Greenly Center has created an incredible group of first year students, those who have developed a cooking family, working together to create meals they share. What my students remind me of regularly is we create relationships with those around us on a daily basis, and that sometimes the people who become family in the most unexpected but significant manner occurs through events that we experience through daily routine. While I have no relationship with a former spouse, one of the things I still appreciate about her was the family she had. Her parents were good people, hard working, and two individuals who lived for their two girls. They were loving and caring, and I will admit they were very good to me, even when I failed. I recognize many things now with a sense of gratitude that I did not always illustrate at the time. I hope that is some degree of wisdom coming through. As we move into the end of another year, the holidays can be stressful and create situations where we fail to demonstrate the care and love that are so important. One of my favorite movies is a thoughtful show about a young black man who is stereo-typed because he is from the Bronx and a basketball player. He meets a curmudgeonly old writer (hmmmmm) and the relationship is developed becomes much more than a mentor. I do understand that well when I consider those students who have graced me with their presence in my home, sometimes for a summer, a semester, an academic year, or even as they continue to grace my life after graduation. The video below is about the idea of family, of friendship, of developing things that are an unexpected gift in an unexpected moment. As you prepare for this Thanksgiving (for my American and Canadian friends) and to those from other places, I still give thanks for you.
Blessed Thanksgiving and thank you for reading.
Dr. Martin
thewritingprofessor55 
Dr. Martin,
As always, I admire your openness as you write your blog posts!
Your niece sounds like an amazing woman. I like how you handle situations, especially in the part where you are describing what your young niece said to the salesperson, and you said, “‘It is okay; she is explaining life as she understands it.’” Not many people would handle it that way. I am glad that even though she is grown and lives states away, you are still able to have a relationship with her.
I admire how you do not shy away from discussing, in class and your blog posts, difficult times or experiences you have had in your life. You take the time to understand who your students are as individuals, and not many professors do that. I do not think I grasped how much you knew about each of us until you went around the room and said something about each of us. It was incredible to see how observant you are, and what you can pick up on from various assignments and conversations we have in class.
I am very glad my father was able to help. Also, thank you for what you said! I am still wrapping my brain around the fact that it was you. I think this situation goes back to how open you are. I was able to put the pieces together just from things that you have said in class. Many teachers and professors do not strive to create a bond with their classes and students. You have created an environment where there is trust. We know that we can be open and honest because we know you do the same with us.
I honestly think it is interesting to see how the class interacts now in comparison to the start of the semester. We are all now willing to joke, laugh, and help each other. That is something I have never experienced in a class before, even in high school with people that I had gone to school with since Kindergarten.
Thank you for writing this post!
Dr. Martin,
I really enjoyed reading this blog. Being new here, this gave me a nice glimpse of who you are outside of being a professor. Your openness was appreciated and your reading served as a gentle reminder that while families aren’t perfect, they are our roots and an essential part of who we are.
The story about your nieces haircut made me laugh. I could truly relate to similar experiences within my family. The video clip at the end also really helped to drive your point home. I am looking forward to continue reading these blogs!
Olivia,
Thank you for your response to my blog post, and I am glad it allowed you some insight into the person who is teaching your winter term class. Indeed, families are integral to who we understand ourselves to be, but also as importantly, why we are that person. I think the haircut story is a universal rite-of-passage for siblings all too often. Fortunately, I do not remember that happening to me.
Thank you for being part of our class this winter term. I am excited to work with you.
Dr. Martin
Dr. Martin,
I am incredibly moved by the rawness in which you reflect upon your life experiences. While reading, I could feel the affection that you have towards those you love and cherish in your writing. I believe that loving someone or something so openly can be healing.
A line of yours that stood out to me has to be what you said to the salesman when your niece blurted out that her dad is dead, saying, “It is okay; she is explaining life as she understands it.” Isn’t that the truth? I can’t help but think that we all do this as we grow and learn. We justify our actions and those of others around us through our own interpretation of those events. I think that’s very special, to be able to see life like that. Being able to keep a relationship like the one you have with your niece is also very special to read about. It gives me hope for the future that I may have with my family members.
I, like you, am in awe of how different those who share the same DNA can be so different. I often feel as though I am on the outskirts of my family (especially my extended family) for both my political beliefs and personal identity. I love your interpretation and redefinition of family. The friends I have made in my life have acted as a family might for others. I treasure those relationships, even when they pass as we outgrow one another. The connections that we make with one another, shape who we are and what we value. It’s incredible to hear how deeply you can care and connect with those around you, and it is something that I find myself aiming to do as well.
I appreciate your ability to articulate your thoughts into something so digestible to a reader like me. I look forward to getting to know you through your writing.
Lily Kachel
Lily,
Thank you for your thought and response to my blog post about family. We are such communal creatures, and yet, as I age, I have found the need for solitude to be more significant. I used to be a pretty extreme introvert, but I think I realize the need that developed that. Interestingly, as I have gotten more comfortable in my own skin, as they say, I am more content with those moments where I am alone. And yet, something someone said to me almost 40 years ago was similarly mentioned by someone for whom I have great respect in just the last couple weeks. Amazing how certainly aspects of us are so intrinsic to who we are.
Thank you again for your thoughts.
Dr. Martin
Dr. Martin,
This was a great blog that I thoroughly enjoyed reading from start to finish. I am glad you got the chance to catch up with your niece for the week. Reconnecting with old friends and family is so wholesome. I always look forward to school breaks when I get to see all of my friends from home who go to college all over the state. It is always easy to pick up right where we left off, whether it be reminiscing about our past experiences together, or filling each other in on all of our fun stories at college.
I also enjoyed hearing about Jennifer and the woman she has become. You do an incredible job illustrating a picture of who she is with just a few paragraphs. Thanksgiving is such a great time to reflect on family and the relationships we have made in life. Thank you for this post and sharing your stories with all of us.
– “Rob’s barbering left a great deal to be desired,” gave me the laugh I needed today!
Thank you again for your thoughtful ideas.
Dr. Martin,
I really like how you are very family oriented. Family is so important to me in many ways and I could not get through this life without them. I think that the way you talk about your niece is very sweet, you can really tell that she is your whole world. She seems like such an amazing women and I am glad she makes you so proud. Those that you call family no matter what will always have you back and be there for you. No matter what their love is always unconditional. I really appreciate you opening up not only about yourself but difficult stories about your past. You allow us students to be able to relate to you on many levels very vulnerable with us. I very much enjoy reading your blogs.
I believe those that you do call family are those that treat you like blood no matter if they are or not. My husband and are friends with my husbands childhood best friend and his girlfriend. Not to mention his buddy has had a difficult life, with his parents being divorced and his dad passing last year we decided after closing on our house that we would offer him to live with us. Fast forward to today he does live with my husband and I now, he sees us as his family more than his own and I am greatful that we can be here for him especially around the holidays. I am the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve and I care for others sometimes a little too much. I treat friends i meet right away as if they are family to me and it has come to bite me in the butt a couple of times. When they decide to do me wrongly I hurt a whole lot worse than I should. I feel as if this trait in me is good but also I have guarded myself a little more to others which makes me sad.
Also when you said that those who share the same DNA can act so different it resonated with me. I feel since I am away from my family for school they really do not know who I really am. I feel like I am an outsider at times. I am often told by mom that I am not the most stressful child like my siblings are so she doesn’t have to worry about me. But I feel like I am not heard as much as they are. When I had my bridal shower in April before my wedding we played a game, it was how well do you know the bride? Well let’s just say my family’s answers were more pointed towards what my older sister likes more than what I do and that stung a little bit. I just hope that when I am finally home when I graduate that my family will appreciate me a little bit more.
-Alexis Schleef
Dr. Martin,
I admire this blog post more than any I have read so far!
Your niece sounds like a phenomenal woman and sounds like a powerful woman within her own right. I enjoyed reading from beginning to end because it’s inspiring to hear about your family and the challenges they went through and came to overcome. While reading I could feel the love through your writing and the love that you have for your family which is so admirable.
Although your entire blog was admirable, and I could feel the love through your writing, the line that stood out the most was “It is okay; she’s explaining life as she understands it.” I’ve never thought of this before, as a kid I was always told to see life through older people’s perspectives. This changed the way I perceive life today and how children see life because has hard as it sounds, children see life through rose-colored glasses. We keep children protected from the hardships of the world and don’t want them to see how challenging life can be, so I loved seeing how you accepted the world that your niece was showing and describing to the salesman instead of shutting down her ideas and thoughts.
Dr. Martin,
While reading this blog, I could tell that you wrote it with the love that you have for your family.
The part of the blog that stood out to me was when you said that family isn’t just defined by genetics, even though it’s part of it. When you said this, this reminds me of my family, both biological and extended. My story is different from yours because I am not adopted, but I do know what it’s like to have family members that aren’t genetically related to you. Taking a look at my family, my parents have friends that have been a part of my life and my sister’s life for a very long time and we consider them to be our aunts and uncles.
The beautiful thing about family is that they are always around when you need them to be. That’s what family means to me, not if they are biologically related to you. Thank you for sharing who is a part of your family.
Abigale Motto
Dr. Martin,
I appreciate your admiration for your niece. From your description, she sounds like a phenomenal woman whom will continue to achieve greatness. Also, it was beautiful to hear how many memories of her you cherish. It is always so wonderful to have such an important person in your life that you can appreciate, love, and be inspired by. That person in my life is my Aunt Lorraine. I have always been very close with her. She used to live 1 mile from my home and as a child I would walk to her house everyday after school to hangout, most times I would rather hangout with her over my friends. She always embraced my skills and talents and pushed me to pursue my dreams. Our times together always consisted of baking, painting, crocheting, hiking, trying out new, fun cafes and shops, etc. She has always made me feel so valued and safe, and I am so appreciative of every moment I had and will continue to have with her. She is an RN, which is honestly who introduced me to the idea of nursing. Since I grew up very sick, she was always very concerned and knowledgable about my health and did her part to be present actively to ensure I was healthy. Additionally, she inspired me to want to pursue healthcare and always filled my brain with numerous stories experiences during her career that eventually inclined me to want to become a nurse. Overall, I will forever be grateful for all that she has done for me and will continue to do. She is so kind, loving, and inspiring and I am so blessed that she is a part of my family.
Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your family’s past events. I appreciate how vulnerable you are in your blog posts. It is refreshing to read something real and you can relate to and understand.
Savannah Bortner
Hello Dr. Martin!
Understanding family discusses about his niece and her husband coming to visit. He then goes on to talk about how he lost his sister and his brother and how he has gotten to watch his niece and his nephew grow up. He specifically mentions about how his nephew went through and tried cosmetology. He also states about how proud he is of her and what she has become. After that, he goes into how his niece was dealing with her father‘s death after afterwords. He talks about how important family is, and even building your own has special meaning whether that be with blood family or with people you meet.
The purpose is to talk about how important family is. Family is important as it is your first connection to others and have people by your side in the best and the worst of. The author talks about how he is so proud of his niece and is very happy to be included in their family.
Audience of this post could be anyone who has the same closeness with their family. I feel like the audience could also be anyone who has lost someone close to them. The author wants to tell about how close he is with his family and wants others to have the same thing.
I feel that this really spoke to me because as someone who is really close to my family remembering the memories during the holidays makes me feel like nothing could go wrong during that time. It also brings up memories of spending Christmas together with my grandpa. he and my grandmother would come up every Christmas and every Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with us and it would be the best time ever getting to spend time with them on such important day.
Hello Dr. Martin!
Understanding family discusses about his niece and her husband coming to visit. He then goes on to talk about how he lost his sister and his brother and how he has gotten to watch his niece and his nephew grow up. He specifically mentions about how his nephew went through and tried cosmetology. he also states about how proud he is of her and what she has become. After that, he goes into how his niece was dealing with her father‘s death after afterwords. He talks about how important family is, and even building your own has special meaning whether that be with blood family or with people you meet.
The purpose is to talk about how important family is. Family is important as it is your first connection to others and has people by your side in the best and the worst of. The author talks about how he is so proud of his niece and is very happy to be included in their family.
Audience of this post I believe could be anyone who has the same closeness with their family. I feel like the audience could also be anyone who has lost someone close to them. The author wants to tell about how close he is with his family and wants others to have the same thing.
I feel that this really spoke to me because as someone who is really close to my family, remembering the memories during the holidays makes me feel like nothing could go wrong during that time. It also brings up memories of spending Christmas together with my grandpa. He and my grandmother would come up every Christmas and every Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with us and it would be the best time ever getting to spend time with them on such an important day.
Dr. Martin,
This post was beautifully written and made me think of the family members that I have lost touch with. I would not say that I have a very large family. My immediate family consists of just my parents and one sister. My extended family is not much larger, and the lack of closeness makes it feel even smaller.
Growing up, I would see my extended family often. Over time, we grew apart. I went away for college and then moved an hour away shortly after graduation. The relationships I once had became more distant with time.
I am very firm in my belief that being family does not give automatic forgiveness for disrespectful actions. I have family members who are drug addicts, felons, etc. I feel no obligation to force a relationship with someone who happens to be related to me if I would avoid them at all costs if I happened to meet them on the street.
I worked as a corrections officer for a year. While I was working there, I ran into several inmates that I knew. Some people from high school, a girl I used to go to youth group with, and my cousin. My cousin was incarcerated for about a week before she recognized me. The other inmates made a comment about how there was clearly no special treatment as I had not acknowledged her prior to the other inmates commenting on the relation. I do not respect her life choices and I would not associate with someone unrelated to me if I knew they had made those same decisions.
When I started writing my response to this blog post, I did not realize it would take me down this rabbit hole, but here we are. There are family members that I am no longer close with that I would die for. I would protect them at all costs. There are also family members that I chose to cut off. I chose to end any relationship with them due to harmful decisions they made.
Friends of mine have voiced to me their concern with the toxic and unacceptable behavior of their family members. I ask why they continue to put up with it and they always say it is because they are family. In my opinion, that is not enough of a reason to allow someone to continue to disrespect me. I understand the difference between an argument and a continued pattern of disrespect. I can move past the former, not so much the latter.
I read somewhere that you cannot blame someone for acting exactly how they have always shown you they will act. I would absolutely cite this but I read it so long ago that I could not remember the source if I tried. I keep this in mind as I go through life. If anyone, even a family member, continues to act in a way that I find unacceptable, I will not fault them for acting how they have always shown they will, but I will also not tolerate it.
I also read somewhere that the only people who get upset when you set a boundary are the people who intend to break that boundary. Again, this is something from long ago that I would not be able to recall the source if I tried. If I set a boundary, and someone does not respect it, that shows me that they do not respect me. I do not except everyone to agree with the boundaries I set. I do, however, expect the people who respect me to also respect my boundaries, regardless of who you are.
I know that this was not the point of your post. Your post was beautifully written. I admire you for taking the steps to be more engaged with family and friends. I will hopefully get to that point in my life. I am very engaged with my immediate family and my grandparents, and I love them dearly. Maybe I should have written more about this….
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Shannon Drexel