Wondering if . . .

Hello from my room after a long day (or few days),

The picture is a picture scanned from the many in an ongoing, but unfinished scanning project. The project for which I am grateful and been a walk down the various roads of my life. This picture is of Copper Harbor Michigan, where I spent time during graduate school. It is one of the prettiest places I have ever been. As I write and ponder this morning, I am reminded of a drill instructor saying about the word “if”. I will not recount it or recite it here as it is far too crass – yes, even for me – to put it in print in my blog. While I have been working hard to manage health issues, the last few days I seem to be losing the battle a bit. Sunday while out shopping a loss of blood literally had me throwing clothes into the garbage and trying to manage my remodeled body with no supplies. It is the second time in a bit over a week that I have found myself in such a predicament. Today, in spite of classes and meetings from 8:00 a.m. until finally making it home at 10:40, I continue to lose blood today. However, I have managed to be close enough to facilities that it was minimally disturbing. I am already feeling like I should put my sleeping bag in the bathroom for the night. It is meekly managing the rigors of my semester when my Crohn’s Disease has decided to be particularly active. Not really the week I wanted this to occur, not that any week is particularly a week that I would prefer this.

I wish that were all that was plaguing me at the moment, but there are other things to manage. I was actually looking forward to a birthday, but I am not so sure at this point. I have been thinking about a biological mother today, it is only an hour until the actual day that I arrived, albeit a bit early, but nonetheless, I did arrive. I do think my the time I finish posting it will be that actual birthday. Today I wrote to a mother of a two year old and wished her “happy birth-day”. I have often wondered if the mothers shouldn’t be the ones celebrating? They did all the work. They struggled through the labor and the pain. For my mother, she was still a child. I would imagine she was petrified. This was not something she was anticipating with joy and longing. She was barely sixteen. And I was extremely early, so even the day was not anticipated. I am pretty sure that my 17 ounce delivery had her wondering if she could manage. I am sure those around her were wondering if I would make it. I wonder if she wonders about me now or even on this particular day when her life was eternally altered?  Meeting her in my 20s and again in my 40s did little to create any sense of a parent/offspring relationship. I wonder if she regrets this? I wonder if I should wish for something I seem destined to never have. At one point I lamented this loss, but now I have learned that I am probably better off with things as they turned out.

I am a person who generally seems to be wondering if one thing is related to another. I have worked hard to trust some things in my life, but as I have noted in other postings, trust is not something that comes naturally, I have been surprisingly or uncharacteristically, at least for me, seeming to trust again, but a breaking of confidentiality has shaken that trust. It is unfortunate, but I have learned it seems to be what I can expect. Even when the breech was noted, a rationale for depending to whom the information was given should make a difference. I might, in a more benevolent moment, be willing to consider such an option. However, it seemed more like a way to justify the behavior. Perhaps it is a cultural thing. I am wondering if I have misunderstood some things. I guess that is a bit difficult for me at this moment, especially in light of my last post. For me it is about expectations and honesty, following through on commitments. I was actually speaking with a couple people about that last post and both Marco, one of closest friends as well as the second, who is an administrator at the university (and one for whom I have a great respect), told me that it was good to push that conversation and thought process. I know deep down that is true. Whenever there is stereotype employed, pushing to reveal the injustice on either side is important. Yet, I am wondering if it was. The events of the last days seem to indicate something else, again creating a further sense of “the other”. Perhaps it is merely avoidance; perhaps it is because of other changes. Whatever it is, it has me wondering if . . . it has been a while since a need for a meeting of the minds (again this parenthetical has been added to provide some later remediation where it is felt I have been unfair or inaccurate in the depiction of what I wrote. The meeting of the minds as I called it would occur a little over a week later and there was significant emotion and disagreement with some of what I have written.)

At this point I am writing on my birthday. I am quite awake and I am wondering if this might be a last birthday. This is not stating a desire for such an occurrence, but I am wondering if when people reach a particular age they ponder such a thing. I am pretty sure my brother never anticipated his last birthday to be 26. I am quite sure my sister did not anticipate her last birthday to be 51. Events have certainly pushed me into the mode of wondering if, but doing so would be giving up. That would neither be prudent nor characteristic of me. All in all what I know is reaching the completion of another year is reason to celebrate. This past year has brought things and people into my life that has made me stronger, happier, and yes, more vulnerable. As my wise father said, “those you love the most can (will) hurt you the most. I have also been cared for and loved like I never knew possible. I guess the one thing I can trust is that the love is sincere. Regardless the attitude that is prevalent . . .  it is more important to see the bigger picture. Sometimes I lose sight of that. Perhaps it is when I get tired. Perhaps it is when I feel I am losing a battle that I intend to win.

As some of you know, I have been doing some work on the house. It was quite amazing to see that an entire state highway was blocked for that work at my house yesterday. Finally after waiting almost two months (actually more) a gas line is being installed to the house. Of course, it did not go as simply as thought and now a good part of my yard has been excavated. I am hoping when I get home tonight I have a sense of what work I will need to do to repair the damage. At least there is still time to plan grass before the end of the season and hopefully I will not have a mud hole for the remainder of the year. There are other things to manage, but I am realizing I am in the midst of pulling an all-nighter. Appointments and classes will cover the day. In the meanwhile I have to figure out where I left my keys yet again. They could be in the dean’s office after yesterday’s meeting or they might be at the car dealership. At this point, I honestly have no idea. It is an ongoing problem, like for 30 years! My kingdom for some of Lydia’s medication.

Si mis preguntas daño, que no era la intención. Realmente quiero entender para ser más capaces de ver nuestros defectos. Si tienes algo que decir en respuesta, por favor hágalo. Si es necesario copiar, pegar, comentar y sentarse y hablar, bienvenida la conversación. Siento que la necesidad está ahí, así que estoy pidiendo desde hace tiempo. Sería el mejor regalo de cumpleaños podría tener. (The use of my Spanish here is something I have done from the outset of my learning it and it’s use has multiple purposes.)

Gracias por leer.

Dr. Martin