thewritingprofessor55

Hello from QSL,

It is a bit surreal to be sitting in this familiar place, and yet also strangely comforting. Wishing my former student, one who was always amazed by my desire for spice, was her to join me. However, it’s a bit from a commute from Russia back to Pennsylvania, and there might be a Visa issue now. We are creatures of habit, and we can often be trapped by those habits and our past experiences. Additionally, it can be difficult to see beyond those things which have profoundly affected both who we are as well as whom we believe we are. Much of my life, in spite of my rational understanding that what I was told was not true, I struggled to believe I was smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough to become more than the adopted child who heard too often about what he could not do. Certainly what I was told defied logic when the very people who chose to bring me into their home told me I did not deserve to be there. Yet in spite of what seemed logical, the damage of hearing this mantra again and again was long-term. And the ways it manifested itself were numerous, at times revealing themselves at unexpected or inopportune moments. I remember one morning in the kitchen with Lydia, and as I fixed breakfast, she, in a somewhat foul mood, said something in a particular tone. I do not even remember what was said, but the tone set me off. Fortunately, my only reaction was to turn and tell her I was going home. She was shocked at my response, but before she could react much more, I was out the door and back to my house (our doors were probably 35 feet apart). She honestly had no idea what she had done. Again, because I was still overall healthier at this point, later that day, I went back and I apologized to her for my earlier actions. I also explained why I had reacted, and then told her it was not her fault. I think that was one of the first times I ever connected tone and response, and I realized even though I had made significant progress, the demons still had power

Mental health and emotional stability is such a complex thing. I have neither a background academically in psychology, nor am I a trained psychologist, psychiatrist, and in spite of my pastoral care and counseling history, I am not someone with an MSW. So with that disclaimer, allow me to ruminate on some things I believe. In spite of the incredible advances in neuroscience, it seems we still understand so little about the brain, or how the brain salad of physicality, emotions, and psychology as well as experience works in a definite manner. When Lydia was in the memory unit the last 3+ year of her life, I witnessed dozens of people struggling and in the throes of Alzheimer’s Disease or some level of dementia. In spite of the similarities in their etiology, they were not the same. The one thing that did surprise me, however, was regardless their symptoms, there was a constant. They seemed to be keenly aware of someone’s attitude or demeanor towards them. If that caregiver treated them rudely or without genuine care, they would get incredibly angry, and almost instantaneously. I remember how Lydia responded, and how this stáid, proper Austrian, academic seemed to not only learn, but regularly use the words bitch and bastard with abandon.

Those who follow me know that there was a tragic loss of a brilliant, talented, and yet struggling former student in the last two weeks. As bits and pieces of her story continue to emerge, one thing seems consistent. The labor she put in, the toiling which now seems was insufficient, or the pain, which I believe ultimately caused her decision much have felt immeasurable. I know from the time I met her until I left Bloomsburg in this past fall, we had a few significant and lengthy conversations, and she desperately wanted to be happy and content. She asked repeatedly how I, in spite of all I had experienced, could be so upbeat about my life. I remember reassuring her again and again that she had many things to be thankful for, to believe she had value. As is the case whenever we are confronted with such a tragic ending, we reflect, wondering what we might have done differently. The last time I reached out to her was shortly before I retired, which I was still here in Bloomsburg. I did not hear back. And I did not follow up. It would be easy to wonder if that was a mistake.

I learned of her passing within eight hours, from another person who is dear to me, and knew her well. She was crushed, and profoundly emotional on the phone. She wondered what she could’ve done differently. I have no doubt that’s the same for many at this moment, particularly those closest to her. This gets me back to the complexity of the neuroscience that makes us uniquely human. Medication did not stop this occurrence. And that is no pejorative statement about medication. At the visitation the other evening I would estimate there were more than 400 people who came to pay their respects. That’s how much she meant to so many, but she could not see it. How is it that someone gets to a point that the pain is so profound that stopping the pain at all costs is preferable? Not a single day has gone by that I don’t find myself pondering what it is that makes us both resilient and fragile. each of us have at some point in our lives had suicidal thoughts. Is it a long ways from imagining people would miss us if we were gone to getting to the point that we have a plan, or we put some course of action into motion with an eternal consequence? I’m not sure. In my piety, perhaps one of the most basic tenets of my theology is that we have a compassionate and loving God, a God who hurts when we hurt, a God who mourns when we mourn.

The difficulty of this past week and a half is simply this: most of us will go back to our lives with some degree of sadness, wondering if we might’ve done something different would there be a different outcome? But for her family life will never be the same. The incredible amount of attention that occurred over the last week and a half is almost numbing, but it was also important. But now the attention has gone away, and those who loved her are left to pick up pieces. This is the time when a card, a phone call, a text, some specific way to reach out is most important. Again, in my piety, I hope the comfort of loving God has surrounded her and helped her to see how incredible she was. I hope the comfort of a loving God will surround those who were closest to her and give them peace in this incredibly difficult time. I hope the comfort of loving God might remind us that not all is lost. And I hope the grace of God abounds for all.

Thank you for reading. Please hug those you love.

Dr. Martin

Hello from Martha’s Cafe . . .

At the moment, I am back in familiar places, and also leaving familiar places. I am sitting at the coffee bar, with my computer on a piece of wood that was milled by a former student, fellow veteran, and co-journeyer to Poland with me. Martha’s it seems was the name of this location before it was a Starbucks, and Fog and Flame as I knew it for most of the time I lived in Bloomsburg. The past few days have been a whirlwind of reconnecting at moments as well as pondering the sort of next steps that might be in the wings. I have learned that planning is important, managing one’s schedule and future are of significance, but much like when tradition can stifle progress, when one becomes too regimented, often opportunity or change is squandered. I remember when I was first interviewing with the bishop about possible parish assignments, and I told him that while I realized the importance of tradition and parish practices, finding a way to help them see new possibilities was important. Some of that might need to be revisited in a situation I could be placed in again soon.

When it seems that everything that has been a given in our daily lives is up for debate, up for reconsideration, and simply being tossed away, the idea of precedent seems to be gone (and the redundancy of that statement does not go unnoticed). This morning I met with my morning coffee klatch (the old white guys), and it was even a bit surprising to hear there concerns, particularly about the situation in Ukraine, though as many are veterans, I would hope that to be the case. As I learn more and more about the Ukrainian land, the people, and the culture, there is little doubt of its complexity. Perhaps that is, in part, why they (and we) are in the current dilemma, but I cannot help but believe in the sovereignty and dignity of people. That is part of our struggle as we seemingly swing to and fro regarding how alliances and democracy work in our current global situation. . . .

It’s a couple days later and I am at The Family Table in Pocahontas for a final breakfast. It was a whirlwind week in Pennsylvania between doctor’s appointments, a dentist appointment, and some unexpected developments there in another area. Nonetheless, all the infamous stars seemed to have aligned, and there will be some changes. I am always amazed how little we control of some things. The time in Iowa has been both busy and reminiscent of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been mixed. Iowa has a beauty to it, often overlooked, especially in the winter, I imagine. One of the things changed since I grew up are the incredible number of wind turbines that dot the fields and bluffs of the landscape that is my home state. The cold, the smells, the flatness – for the most part, all of that was expected. I had forgotten about the strength, intensity, and frequency of the wind. It is really life-altering. When it is blowing and there is no place to avoid it, it changes what you can or cannot do. It changes what you want to manage or stay away from. Even as I drove, it buffets you across the highway, particularly when it is a crosswind. And going back to my hometown and my old neighborhood was eyeopening. There are a number of things I remember that are now only memories because they are no longer there, and some are significant (e.g. my grade school, some of the neighborhood stores that were such a vibrant part of my area of town, even some of the houses I remember). On the other hand, there are other parts of town that are renovated and really quite amazing. What was Sunset Plaza when I was growing up is now called Marketplace, and it is really quite nice. What was called Lower 4th Street, is now historic fourth, and it is really very different. Some of that has been decades long in the making and I experienced earlier iterations, but all in all, it is good. Then there was seeing old life-long friends, speaking with childhood friends, and even making a new ne or two. That was both unexpected and wonderful, and then there was the reality of both being bug lovers (you know who you are)!

Returning is taking a chance . . . that is reality. What we remember is clouded by time, and there is the reality of what we choose to remember and believe. I realize even when it comes to simple things, it is easy for us to put our own spin on the memories. As I returned to the streets of my childhood, listened to those who knew me as a child, it was stunning to realize what they knew, what went unspoken. And yet rather than feeling sad about that, it offered a sort of solace, a comfort that what I remember is more accurate than I perhaps wish it was. I will get back to Sioux City a couple more times before I move on to the next dot on the proverbial map. The returning raised a number of significant realizations and the subsequent emotions. What I do realize is Sioux City will always be home. That is important when it comes to understanding who I am as well as why I am that person. I will note that I have rewritten this blog about 5 times. I am thoroughly frustrated with WordPress at the moment as it seems to randomly delete my work, and finding the drafts that I have previously saved seems to be impossible. I actually went to WordPress help, but it was not that helpful. This morning I had to renew some of my prescriptions and it was a potent reminder of how f-ed up our medical system is. Three prescriptions cost almost $750.00, and one of those does not even apply to my $2,000.00 out of the pocket expense that is the max this calendar year because of the IRA. Also this morning, I ran into someone I know who is on Medicare, and they were verbalizing they are afraid they will lose their coverage. I want to be empathetic, and I did not say, but you voted for this, though I know they did. President Trump is doing much of what he said he would. So there should be little surprise.

One of the last short phrases in the title above is about the reality of our lives. We are always moving, transforming, changing, reimagining. It is easy for me to see that in my own life, in part because I have not remained in one place very long. My time in Bloomsburg was the longest. And yet, I think it’s been my return to my roots, to my hometown, that clarified this reality for me. While I have been anything but geographically static, I saw life-long friends who are, or have been. They’re content, and that is good they can be. One of the people I reacquainted with is the older brother of my best childhood friend. Our families were close, and there is a generational connection. Our mothers were friends in high school, and my grandparents sold his grandparents their house. It was interesting to spend time with him after 50 years. He is two years older, and in high school was a standout at most everything he accomplished. And that has continued in his life. He is an incredible man. It was so wonderful to have conversations with him to share memories and consider our current world. Our fathers were stalwarts of our church congregation, and I worked on their farm at one point. What was most intriguing to me was how our lives have changed, but that our shared memory of our childhood demonstrated how we have gotten to where we have. It was a significant gift to spend time with him. We addressed our consistent thread of connection in spite how our age difference pushed us in such different directions and paths. The constant in the change of life is the fact that does not stop. There is so much to be grateful for, and that is something I am continually reminded of. Everywhere I have been has shaped me . . . everywhere I have been has blessed me . . . and there are more adventures to take, more journeys to begin. In the return to something previous we find an opportunity to better understand who we are. When we leave we take something with us, but we also leave something behind. Hopefully both things are positive in some way. And in the moving on we create new possibilities. We are offered opportunities, and too often we miss them. One thing I have tried to do throughout my life is be grateful for those I have met along the way, not merely leave them behind, but to hold on to them in some way. That has served me well, both in creating memories, but in establishing gratitude. I would like to believe I am a gracious person. As my father once said, “No one owes you anything.” What he was saying implicitly was everyone is a gift in your life, and it is best to treat them as such. Thank you to my Iowa friends and to the landscape for the memories and the opportunity to be back. Thank you to Bloomsburg for the gift of 15 years and all I learned there, both about myself and others. As I continue to move forward, I am not sure where it will all go. Indeed, the bus will be the vehicle, but the road is open. There is still work to do, but I am grateful for a number of people already in this building process. So much yet to do, but it will happen. One of the pieces I have listened to lately to offer me a sense of comfort and peace is what is below. From the movie, The Last of the Mohicans, this version is both beautiful and soothing. I think perhaps I need to learn to play the tin whistle. Something else to do as i am traveling.

Thank you as always for reading.

Michael

Hello from Caribou Coffee in Sioux City,

While the first couple of paragraphs of this were written a couple weeks ago, I think I will leave them largely unedited. I am actually sitting with my computer and doing a bit of work on a variety of topics this morning. I am in what has become a favorite hangout, and I have a scad of things to manage. It has been difficult at times doing some of my admin work on a daily basis, which is why I have run off to Sioux City the past two weekends. Sitting in Caribou is comfort for me. I am feeling more transient that I expected, but that is my issue and something I need to manage. One of those strategies has been to go to something familiar. I have in someways, invaded my cousin’s house, and they have been most gracious, but I think there are times they need their space too. So building the bus is certainly a project of gargantuan proportion and the reality of some of that has been a kick in the head, but as noted recently, progress is being made. Certainly not as quickly as all wish, but process and doing it well is of more importance than merely getting it done. I have already learned that watching others. So this morning, I have been working on a variety of things from plans to ordering things, from insurance things to prescriptions . . . most things completed, and now off for some errands . . . One of the things that continually catches me off guard is no matter how intentionally I plan, the forces in the world seem to have no trouble in reorienting my intentions. Since I started this blog to say the past week has been a whirlwind of unexpected events, possibilities, and imagining what next would be a profound understatement. And yet, progress continues to occur, on the bus, in what might happen next with construction, and with how it can all be managed

Three or four times since arriving back in Iowa, I had the opportunity to meet with the older brother of my childhood best friend. His name is John, and he was the eldest of the three brothers. He was incredibly talented, unparalleled in his kindness, and one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. 50 years later, he is no different. The conversations we’ve had and memories we have shared have been eye-opening. if you read this blog for any period of time, you are well aware that my mother struggled to raise us, to be fair or equitable. The way that manifested itself was both difficult and literally painful. When I found out in this continuing conversation with him, as well as in conversations with others, more were aware of our situation than I realized. That was difficult to hear on one hand, and yet affirming on the other. . . . Another 10 days passed and it still has not been completed. I am presently sitting in the Minneapolis airport waiting to fly back to Pennsylvania for a week-long visit to manage a number of appointments. I drove up early yesterday from Mallard to beat a snowstorm, which did actually arrive; it might be the most snow I’ve seen this winter. At the moment, my flight is still on time, and I can only hope that remains the case. 

Since I first began this blog post, the world has been a whirling dervish of craziness. Again, if you read my blog with any consistency, you are well aware of why I might believe this. Over the last 10 days, I’ve had to come face-to-face with the reality of global politics And how it affects people I actually know and care about. I have Ukrainian friends, some here in the states and some still in Ukraine. Others have actually left their country and are living in other European countries or Canada. I hurt for them at this moment, and I feel helpless. That is not a political statement; that’s a human statement. The first time I went to Europe with Dr. John (the Pope)Nielsen, before leaving we were required to read books by Ernest Hemingway and Thomas Mann. One of those books is the title of this post. Until I did some research recently I did not realize the connection between what Hemingway Road and Dr. Nielsen‘s dissertation, which looks at the poetry of John Donne. it is from Donne’s Meditations. He wrote “No man is an Island intire of it selfe; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the maine; (Donne’s original spelling) and he would continue, “any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. (Again, spelling and italics in original)” it is profound to realize that everything we do has consequence far beyond our imagination. And of course, the more powerful individual, the more extreme the consequence. Recently, I used the term “transactional colonialism” and it seems that’s where we’ve returned I believe the goals of Vladimir Putin to return Russia to its Soviet power, which is not realistic, or even possible if you look at all the pieces, but he is determined to do so. My friends in Poland, my exchange to in Estonia, and yes, my friends in Ukraine are stunned by what is happened in the last seven weeks. They reach out to me and ask what I think, and I’m not sure, but I do know what I feel. I feel disillusioned at moments, and more often, I am embarrassed by my President’s actions. I watched about as much of his address to Congress last night as I could. The divisiveness of both his comments as well as both sides of the Congress are palpable. Donne’s words and Hemmingway’s novel, which I should perhaps reread, continue to ring through my ears, as I listened to last night’s address.

Recently, I listened to a United States senator and their response to one of the Talking Heads about what they could do. The reality is the Republicans control all three branches of our government, and I do mean branches. This is something we have done as an American public. It has created a pause for me, wondering two things: first, who are we as a country? and second, how did we get here? Even as a veteran, who has been proudly patriotic, but not nationalistic, I wonder if there is a place where I will feel comfortable in public? I am honestly not sure. For whom the bell tolls? I once asked that question as I walked across campus and the carillon rang out – I had just gotten my ass kicked in Dr. Hutton’s Greek final. Today, I ask it for myself again – are the arguments true the Democrats have become merely intellectuals, speaking about principle in a manner that matters not to the every day person? I find myself returning to my humanities classes, which encouraged intellectualism, but also being a good citizen. Have we lost the connection? I am certainly hoping that is not the case, but at the moment, it certainly seems to be the reality. There’s so much more I could write, and I hope that the reading of this might cause some to ponder how it all fits together.

Looking out at the snow, there was a beauty and a starkness to it. Parallels the world I seem to envision at this point. We are not an island, and what we do has consequence. We are part of the larger collective – being a humanist, using that term as someone who is related to others, I want to believe that we can overcome the present, overwhelming selfishness characterizing so much of what I see. For whom the bell tolls? If indeed, we are all connecting, the tolls for all of us. And to say it’s mournful, might be the most profound understatement I have ever written.

Thank you as always for reading.

Michael

Hello as we begin a new month,

It is actually early morning, barely the first of February, and while I went to be rather early, a long day for Gavin and getting home late woke me. I was already awake an hour or so ago, so probably not really back to any deep sleep. Now I have clothes in the dryer (and the buckles on the Carhartts will keep me up for a bit). As I am wont to do when I wake up, I look through the news. As you can see it’s taken some time to post this, but I will leave it as initially written.

The continuing coverage of the mid-air collision of the American Airlines regional jet and the Black Hawk helicopter is devastating for more than the reality of two flying objects hurtling into the other, for more than the incredible loss of 67 people, and for more than the politicization of the staffing of Reagan National, the members of the ATC, or the blame to which they have been subjected. The reality is there are no minor crashes or fender-benders when we are discussing an airplane. My very first flight, as a 17 year old headed to Marine Corps Boot Camp, the plane blew a tire as it landed. It was disconcerting for this small, already nervous, wide-eyed, young man ad his first experience in the friendly skies. And yet, in spite of a little turbulence, one aborted landing in Houghton, and a very uncomfortable military flight from San Bernardino to Hawaii, the number of times flown, the types of aircraft experienced, and the 100s of 1,000s of miles have been quite unmemorable, which is a good thing. I tried to do some research about safety, and one interesting statistic found was that train travel, which is not all that common, but also something I have experienced, is four-times more dangerous than air travel.

The first thing I thought of when the initial notifications flashed on my feeds “crash and the Potomac” was the Air Florida crash a number of years ago. My sister, who was an Army cartographer, was tasked with mapping the crash debris in the muddy, murky waters of the river. She never flew again. Earlier this evening I read the accounts of skaters, coaches, family, students, professors, grooms-to-be, and I was brought to tears as I tried to fathom the wave of emotions and the ripple effect of this tragedy from Russia and China to Boston, Wichita, or any other place someone called home. It’s so much more than people, places, or plans. As I read the coverage, and there is a point where I almost feel like an ambulance chaser, which creates some guilt, I think it is because I want to somehow, in someway, lift up these ordinary to many, but exceptional to their loved-ones, individuals who were minutes from ending what was a routine flight. The number of times I have looked out the window to watch as we approached a runway is more times than I have fingers and toes. Thinking about what I needed to do, where I parked my car, if I would need a bathroom before leaving the airport. I cannot imagine there was anytime to prepare for the seconds that occurred between the crash of the two flying machines and hitting the icy water of the Potomac. The fact that the plane is in three separate pieces speaks volumes. There is so much more to be discovered, and that is one of the dilemmas moving forward.

The next days of still recovering people, the arduous tasks of rebuilding the plane to some extent to determine structural properties, the examination and investigations of the NTSB and the military will certainly create more questions during the process. But this is more than process, it is about improving safety. It is about honoring the people who tragically lost their lives. It is about providing an additional sense of closure for those whose lives have been irrevocably altered. The reality that the military is involved will probably add impossible difficulty to the task. Already, questions have been posed about the safety corridors; already inquiries from individuals to members of Congress about the volume of traffic around Reagan National; already decisions to change the routes of the extensive helicopter traffic in the area are coming out as our 24/7 news organizations try to get the latest scoop. And yet this is so much more than a news story.

This past fall, I was honored to officiate two weddings for former students. While the events are certainly celebratory, in both cases a close family member of each couple passed shortly before their wedding. Life is so much more than a single event, even the most life-changing of them. . . . Almost 3 weeks and passed and I did not get this blog completed; ironically, there was another accident at an airport yesterday. To see a plane upside down on the runway is almost unimaginable. In both cases, this happened when the plane was about ready to land and what should’ve been normal, ends up completely not so. fortunately, it appears no one has lost their life, which again seems miraculous. What gives me pause, is what miraculous things we take for granted every day. The very idea of flying, jumping in my car and driving cross country, more than I can use my phone, my computer, my iPad and speak with someone halfway around the world like they’re sitting across the table. Everything we do is so much more than what we realize. and yet, how do all these amazing things happen? It is because someone is willing to see more than, imagine more than, and attempt more than . . . There is always the question of when is fear wise and when does it paralyze? I know I struggle with this regularly. And in fact, I think today will be one of those days. I have to rethink some things, reimagine some things, and recalculate some things. But there are always options, and we just have to figure that out. There is always so much more to a picture than what we recognize, or maybe want to recognize. I am reminded of this reality in most every encounter, every mundane event, but to actually manage that it requires thought. It is, again, more than blowing along like a tumbleweed in on the Kansas prairie.

Everyday seems like there is something of significance. To say there has been a bit of shock and awe these past weeks might be a little understated, but it is our reality. The world is global and most of us merely try to go about our daily lives in our own little piece of it. It’s easy to want to isolate, to worry about our own issues, allowing all the other issues to fly by unnoticed, but there is always more than . . .

Thanks for reading,

Michael

Hello from the chiropractor’s office.

Another week is finishing up, and it has been typical January with some single digit temperatures and windchills below zero. My coffee gurus at Burger King are wondering why I would come to such a place, but I have long asserted that 15 above in NEPA is worse than 10 below in Iowa. It is all because of the humidity. The more the dampness in cold air, the more penetrating it is. That is what I experienced in Pennsylvania. And yet, if one has appropriate clothing, it can be manageable. It is an amazing thing how differently we perceive cold and winter as we age. Earlier today, while listening to IPR, there was a piece about how to manage the psychological elements of winter, and how you can actually thrive in a northern area in the dead of winter. I remember when I first moved to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (in the Keweenaw), and they asked if I liked snow. I answered, yes, but they then repeated, “No, do you like snow? Because if you do not like it, you will need to learn how.” They were correct. I remember driving down Quincy Avenue in January and the snow banks were much higher than the roof of my 4Runner, and that was not nearly as much snow as they had only 11 miles north of Hancock. I actually did learn to like it, and I still do.

As I write this, we are almost through January, and I have been back in Iowa for a little more than two months. Things are going well on a number of fronts, but there are so many things to manage. When I got here there was transferring prescriptions, making sure that I had things organized in terms of medical, banking, internet, and a number of things. That was not difficult, but a bit arduous, perhaps laborious. Then it was unpacking my life (all of it, which was now in 105 sqft) and organizing what I needed and what could stay packed. There was getting the lay-of-the-land, as Mallard is not a one-stop-light town (there are no stop lights!). Once I got things unpacked, there were a number of things that needed to be managed with the bus (including an oil pressure sending unit, battery cables, alternator, and still some more things to come). Fortunately, I am working with Mallard Paint and Body, and the owner of the shop has been incredible in his support in letting me work in the shop, and he is a top-notch body person, helping me with the fiberglassing and some other work. I am working on getting the roof ready for the skylight, for the new fan, for the solar panels, and for other things. I am working on sealing the floor of the bus so I can lay the insulation, the plywood and yet another coat of sealant, which is all down before the flooring will be put in. The decision to sand and wrap the bus has returned, and that has been the majority of the work over the last two weeks. I will admit at time the proverbial tail-wagging-the-dog has been my feeling. With all the things going on, it would be helpful to have another set of hands and eyes, but for the most part, I have been on my own. I am learning things every day, that is for sure. For instance, getting a grey water tank that will fit the space below the bus took three tries, and now it is one its way from Texas. Fortunately, the second tank can be used for the clean water tank, so that is managed. There are things that I would already have done differently, and that is on two major components, but as I told Charles Kern (aka: Chuck Casady) the other day, I am too far down the road now. He was encouraging and noted this is the most difficult time. He also said, “You are married to the bitch now.” His exact words. I know that is a bit sexist, but anyone who has been married for some time (from either side) knows the investment put into a relationship.

Some of the struggle is sequential and working to not build myself into a corner as it is said. Some of the moments feel like dog paddling in a place where I cannot see the shore (and I am not a great swimmer – and that is true). So this morning was an exercise in logistics. First, I needed to drive to Storm Lake to get scaffolding to manage the sanding on the area over the cab; second, I needed to stop by The Machine Shop to solidify the schedule on beginning to fabricate the doors as well as ask about a couple other metal issues. While there I needed to purchase a couple of tools to make my current work more efficient. Then coming up with more specifics on the metal work affects what I will do both at the body shop as well as getting to Spencer for the wrap. Again, this is the daily jigsaw puzzle I am living. So getting actual work done today is not happening, but I am hoping the remainder of the week will be significantly productive. I think trying to manage all the pieces alone is also part of the struggle regarding process. When Gavin and I chat about some of the elements, there almost always seems to be external questions to consider before we have an adequate answer to the particular thing that prompted the question from the outset. Even as I write this, there are things I should be writing down, should I ever be asked about process, about specifics, or, and only heaven knows, if I would attempt something like this again. The one thing I know is having an appropriate space is a given.

Perhaps the other thing I have to say is this is where the second element of the title comes to bear. There is a resilience, or as noted a tenaciousness required to see this through, especially when one is such a novice, so far removed from their wheelhouse. I am always surprised when I am complimented for taking on this project, but also grateful. It is a daily learning lesson, often a seriously humbling experience, and at moments a reminder of a profound body of knowledge and experience that I currently lack. It is not the lack that creates the primary difficulty, it is my moments of timidity, my fear of making a mistake, and the worry of overcoming said lack that often causes the most alarm. And yet inspiration comes both from places unexpected, and sometimes at the most apropos moments. This morning, Hayley, whose shuttle offers the most spectacular example of some of the possible posted a bevy of photos. She does not always know the support she offers. She too offers a sense of tenaciousness and here’s to hoping she is doing well. A few years ago, in my freshman writing classes, I looked at identity and purpose, using, Glee, as a foundational piece. In this time where DEI is being questioned, this groundbreaking series looked at those considered outcasts and transformed our culture. The video below was their sort of reoccurring theme.

Off to being tenacious.

Thank you for reading.

Michael

Happy Orthodox Christmas to my Orthodox friends, surrogate family, and others,

It is a cold day once again here in North Central Iowa, but manageable because the wind, at least for the day, has abated. Today would also be the 111th birthday of my Grandmother Louise, so Happy Heavenly Birthday. I still love and miss you. Yesterday was the day, which for many elections was a rather mundane experience of our democracy, when the peaceful transfer of power, a hallmark of our country, occurred. And yet, will we ever think of it the same way again after the events in 2021? For many, probably not. However, President-elect Trump will be inaugurated the 47th President, only the second non-consecutive serving President, after Grover Cleveland. Most of us when about our business doing whatever it is we do, while in Washington, D.C. at the Capitol, many who were in the chambers four years ago, were probably reliving some of the trauma that was that day.

According to Christian tradition, yesterday, Epiphany was the day the Magi found their way to the stable in Bethlehem to worship the newborn Messiah. It was a day of light and of revelation. Often we struggle to remain hopeful, to believe in the possibilities that life offers us. The important point is not so much our propensity to act this way, but to question why we respond in this manner?

Hang in with me for a moment, but I think part of it, much of it, is our love affair with stuff. When I reflect upon some of my content, my happiest, times, it was when I had very little extra. When I was first married and living in Omaha Village with my wife, who was still in college, our little table was a 2 ft square of pressed plywood that I nailed 4x4s on for legs. We covered it with a small tablecloth. I worked two nights a week (my only nights in Blair) at the Pizza Hut, and each night I would bring a personal pan pizza home to share. The money I made in those two shifts paid for our groceries. We used coupons judiciously, and seldom did we go out. As I look back, things were okay. We had what we needed. I had been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (eventually discovered to be Crohn’s) the year before, but I was managing reasonably at the time. The second time was when I returned to Houghton 25 years ago to complete my final degree. The move from San Antonio to Houghton had come together in a matter of hours, and being separated at the time, everything I owned, or had with me, fit in a1993 Dodge Shadow. When I returned, I spent the first couple days with a professor, her academic husband, and their four children while I attempted to secure a more permanent living situation. I was incredibly fortunate when another grad school colleague needed to take a leave and I was able to sublet her small furnished 2 bedroom cabin on the portage. All of this fell into place within a week. The cabin was sparsely furnished, but comfortable. I got bedding, basics for my kitchen, most which came from a new restaurant where I found gainful employment, and I had my books and some clothes. In fact, what I often heard, when I had visitors, was “You are kind of a minimalist.” And I responded, “I have what I need.” At the time, I had four place settings of dishes. I had one cast iron griddle and one small pot. I had some very basic cooking tools. I had a small Bose radio and CD player, and I had purchased a used Lenovo laptop. And yet I was content. I had what I needed as well as access to a computer lab. During that fall, a divorce would be finalized and what things I would receive from two houses and all our joint property would fit in a pickup truck (and as I noted to others, I did not own the truck). One might believe I was concerned about all I lost. However, the opposite held true: I felt free and unencumbered. I feel a simplicity and goodness to my life. I had what I needed.

I am continually amazed by what we collect, what we think necessary to be comfortable. This past year as I chose to move toward a bus life, I knew it was necessary to change my life to a great degree. The question now was not simply what do I need? but instead, will I use it? If I cannot imagine my using it, it needed to go away. Then there’s the space limitation. Everything I owe must fit into 102 sqft. That is a significant difference. What will I use? requires me to think and imagine. While I am not being frugal per se on my build, my being intimately involved in the process is an investment in potential cost down the road. As our country remembers a 39th President, I am reminded that President Carter was the first presidential election in which I casted a vote. During my time in the Marine Corps both the Vice President and President resigned their office. There was a struggle in terms of the moral compass of our country. The economy was in a free-fall (e.g. gasoline hit $1.00/gallon for the first time, 6-12% inflation, and interest rates of as high as 20%), and in spite of having all three elements of the legislative and execute branches, the Congress did not agree with much of what the populist President hoped to accomplish. The fact that President Carter would spend almost four more decades alive made him an anomaly both in and after his Presidency. But one word used regularly to describe him was frugal. As a child of the depression, as someone who grew up with hard work, he carried both those traits with him for the century his life would last. And yet in spite of his ability to develop global programs, hectic and his wife lived in the house he built for them the remainder of his life (there was mention that it still had shag carpeting). It seems he was the antithesis of consumerism.

Consumerism is nothing new; our free market economy is based on purchasing. Walmart did not become the largest retailer because we do not buy things. Jeff Bezos is not one of the richest people in the world because we fail to purchase things. What I believe is more significant is our buy in to the concept, “the person with the most toys wins.” This is the valorizing of our consumer persona. How many of us spend significant time on Amazon, Etsy, Temu (which I have not used, but see numerous ads for), or another online platform? I had to return two large items to Amazon just this morning. My bus build project is substantial in terms of both time and resources, but it is being paid for along the way. When it is completed, it will be paid for. I am continually reaching out and need to give a shout out to Charles Kern, to Rebecca Cosby, who have continually reached out with suggestions and inquiries. Your help means more than I have words. Thank you to Eric at Mallard Paint & Body for both his expertise and kindness in letting me work in his shop the past couple weeks, and also for getting me in contact with another business (SS Collision and Graphics) about external work on the bus. Each of you are foundational in helping me achieve my dream of creating this bus in a way that will serve me as I travel.

While I am busy, and there are moments I wonder what the heck I have done, I am excited about the progress, the process, and the learning. At while the project is involved, it is also simple. Just keep working and learning. While the completion is months away, each day I make progress, each day I learn something new, I am developing a self-sufficiency in an area completely new to me. And my life will be about managing life in a way that allows me to minimize the need to buy or collect stuff. While I have been blessed to have the ability to do this and to have stuff (more than necessary most times), I am also blessed to be able to step back and minimize it all. While I want it to be comfortable and sufficient, I want things to be simple. I am excited for the time I can sit and enjoy the sunshine.

I hope your January has begun well and thanks for reading.

Michael

Hello from the restaurant booth on a very cold Saturday,

The temperature is still in single digits and has risen to 6, but fortunately there is little wind. Otherwise it would be beyond brutal. Thursday was productive and yesterday was the opposite. I spent the better part of the day merely trying to manage the replacement of a piece of my iPhone case (not the phone, the camera covering). Between driving to Fort Dodge, waiting on hold at the AT&T store, working with the manager, waiting for a return call, having the call dropped, and then finally speaking to another person, I got another phone number to call and no replacement part. Quite incredible. And all because AT&T does not want to carry accessories for the iPhone 15. Not sure how much of this is Apple pushing them to sell 16s, but that obsolescence would not be surprising. We’ll see on Monday what I can accomplish.

The bus build is progressing, but there are moments I feel overwhelmed. Might I be better assisting and being the grunt than being the general foreman? Trying to decide the order of the project is so significant, and I have already miscalculated a couple things. Nothing too consequential, but a couple things that cost some money that did not have to happen. All learning lessons. The sequence of things is something I wish I knew more intuitively. The external elements (e.g removing and replacing things on the roof, installing the grey water tank, prepping the floor for sealing, insulating, and managing the wool insulation on the sides) seem rather straightforward, but what about how plumbing for the grey water tank need to come through the floor? What about the brackets for the tank, and it seems something that protects the tank from stones and other hazards needs to be considered. If I can get the fiberglass work, the metal doors, the grey water tank, the roof items, and the floor completed by February 1st, I will be elated. This week will be a significant work week. Yikes! I just published and I am not done. Guess I do need to write rapidly now!!

I write because it helps me think. It allows me to stop, step back, and ponder the things that confound me, that vex me, that cause me pause. The putting things into words clears out my head, allowing me to separate thought and emotion, two things foundational to our humanity. Of course, the writing in this forum for more than a decade has been, at times, sporadic, but it has become the most significant way to make sense of my life, of our world, and of the things that catch me off guard. A favorite quotes, one that has been my email signature for a couple years, was penned by Martin Luther, the reformer. He said (wrote), “If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write.” I have looked, trying to find when he penned this, but it would be logical to believe it was before he nailed the 95 Theses to the castle door at Wittenberg. For me writing clarifies my ideas, and as such, more effectively communicates the topics I find important. While I did not plan to be writing a blog more than a decade later, there have been moments readers note it raised awareness as well as inspired them to do something of consequence. One of my motivations for this blog was to offer insight into my own life experiences, which might, by chance, provide some assistance to another. If that happens all the better. Yesterday, through text with someone I admire and appreciate, they noted I knew so much about so many things, and they complimented me on both my experiences and travel. That was affirming, but I see myself as someone who had opportunities and was able to benefit from them. What writing has allowed me to do is reflect on those experiences, those travels, and place myself into the larger space we refer to as society. The writing has pushed me, compelled me, to keep pondering, to keep questioning. I have always been that person, but it was not particularly organized or consistent. Taking the time to write has provided a willingness to engage topics that I might have avoided, especially when it came to my own introspection or accountability. A little over 10 years ago I wrote a blog, which became a letter to my deceased mother, one who with her husband adopted my sister and me. To say my relationship with her was fraught with difficulty is the epitome of understatement. She had told me I would never amount to much, that I did not deserve to be in their house. She told my grandmother, the person who was a mother to me pre-elementary, she did not want me back in their house when I was 16 and blamed me for my father’s heart attack. So, there was not a great deal of kindness in either direction. And yet, a quarter century after her passing, I was bitter. That bitterness did not hurt my mother, she was gone. However, that sadness, that anger I carried hurt others, and the bitterness hollowed me out. While I came off as a generally nice person, there was an underlying sense of pain that created more problems than it should have. There was a mistrust, a fear of rejection, and a belief that nothing could ever work out in my personal life. Too often I self-sabotaged, often unknowingly until it was too late. And yet, I needed to realize why. It was because my bitterness kept me from forgiving.

My writing of that blog created a pathway to forgiveness, and forgiveness provided freedom. In spite of my solid understanding as a pastor the those theological principles were of confession, of absolution, I had not forgiven my mother. She was an imperfect human just as I was, and am. She had her own unresolved trauma, It caused a lot of difficulty, not only for her, but for those in her life. My failure to understand her struggles are an example of my own imperfections, of my selfishness. The consequence of my selfishness, of my own anger, created serious problems, and now, decades later while I am still imperfect, almost all the unresolved anger and sadness in my life is gone. There are still moments, but the person who often lashed out in pain has been healed (and yes, forgiven). That is an incredible result of writing a letter to my mother, one 25 years after her death. Writing is something many people struggle to do, but most of that is because they believe it must be done correctly; it must be done well. They are afraid to allow it to see the light of day. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I do not write well.” as if that should be just acceptable, I could probably pay for another bus build. However, you do not need to share it. You can maintain its secrecy if that serves you better. 

What I know is the writing I do now is better than the writing I first did when I started this blog 12 years ago. What I believe is my taking the time to write has improved my life. It has made my relationships more meaningful, and I believe healthier. Writing has helped me engage more thoughtfully with my former students, understand our increasingly complex world with a sense of optimism, and reflect on most anything with a calmness that was not possible earlier in life. If my writing resonates with another and improves their outlook, that makes the time spent even more worthwhile. So, if you need some clarity, as Luther said, “pick up your pen.” Some of my students have noted what was initially an assignment became a refuge. That makes it worth something much larger than anticipated. As I begin a new year of posting, there are more things on the horizon, new possibilities. Please stay tuned. Over the weekend, I found myself listening to soundtracks from some of my favorite movies. This song can cause me to tear up every time.

Happy New Year, and thank you as always for reading.

Michael

Hello from Menomonie,

Over the last two days I had the opportunity to reconnect with a family who has blessed my life since I taught here two decades ago. When I arrived in this Western Wisconsin town, I was completing a dissertation, unexpectedly hired after a one-and-done tenure-track process, and had minimal understanding of what I had signed on to do. There was little in my graduate program that prepared me for all the elements of being ABD, of teaching a 4/4, or what a first year of 80+% new preps would require. Looking back now, my graduate program, which was one of the best RTC programs in the country had managed to prepare me very well intellectually, theoretically, and I believed I was prepared for the rigor of the daily demands, but I wasn’t. I might even go further and assert that even six years in, things occurred that I was not able to overcome. What might be most important was not how much I grew during that period, but what it helped me realize what I needed to do differently as I left.

Leaving and feeling like you failed at your profession, which was a second calling (and that word is used intentionally) of sorts left me a bit disillusioned and even more frightened. And then there was Lydia, the elderly neighbor I had cared for – and her care spanned 2/3 of the time I was living in the little town on the Red Cedar. The day I left to move to Bloomsburg, I cried as she and a new caretaker waved from my driveway, and I began the 1,000+ mile trek on my Harley. My belongings were already deposited in my new apartment, and I had enough with me to manage the expected week of travel I would take on my 2009 Fatbob. While moving to a department which required more writing and used more technology than my present department, the struggles I had adapting to the larger expectations of program directors, chairs, or deans were, by this time, a prominent issue for me. In spite of some significant progress in a number of areas, early missteps on my part, regardless the realities, could not be overcome. Though much was learned, it would, and could, not be enough. However, the learning proved to be invaluable. Menomonie had laid a more helpful foundation than realized as I headed East.

As I look back at the two decades of work post-Houghton, the number of things done to manage expectations are too numerous to count, but it raises an important question. How much of our lives are determined by forces outside ourselves? And what or who decides when it is too many or too much? As I look at the window at the clock tower, the people who mattered the most to me here were not those who had the most power over me. Those local people, ones who still hold significance in my life, who I care about, made little difference in what finally occurred in Harvey Hall. The oxymoron that seems to explain my life here, however, is probably quite common. This is the dichotomous nature of the professional and the personal. And that is something that I have almost always struggled to not only handle, but to understand. Not in whether or not I comprehend it, or are aware of it, but perhaps more aptly to accept it. Perhaps the most important thing I realized was that I can be quite adept at self-sabotaging myself based on my perception of principle, my idealistic desire to believe that good can succeed. And yet, there was my own profound struggle to get the personal and professional to align in a more chronological way.

Much is currently written about generational trauma. Certainly, there were points in my life (e.g. CPE, counseling after my mother passed, counseling through my doctoral program, and even here in Menomonie, a DUI, which occurred in a six-block drive, deaths of both a father and sister, a brother and beloved grandmother, numerous health issues, divorces) were I should have stepped back more intentionally to make sense of things, but I merely rolled on, not necessarily believing I was okay, but more likely running to avoid. I unwittingly chose to keep going because I thought that was what was expected. Like Katharine Hepburn’s line in On Golden Pond, when she says to her lamenting daughter, played by Jane Fonda, “Life marches on, Chels, I suggest you get on with it.” As I have gotten on, what happened, often without my realization, is the various aspects of myself, those often out of what I noted as chronological alignment, have fallen into place. The consequence is I have become more grounded, more content, and both of those things have allowed me to be more honest with myself concerning both my strengths and weaknesses. It has allowed me to set boundaries that are healthier both professionally and personally, which has created a more harmonious daily life. I should note the professional has, of course, changed with retirement, but I am still a professor, that does no go away, it is just not as apparent, particularly when I am not in a place where I held that position.

The ability to manage my own schedule, to decide my own path, allows for the setting of expectations in a different manner. From where do those suppositions come, and are there presuppositions? I think there are. I remember when my mother passed away the intense inner-struggle that enveloped me as I tried to come to terms with the range of emotions I felt. While I was still a serving Lutheran pastor at the time, I felt anything but pastoral as we stood in her room. One of my first thoughts was about the freedom I felt because her assumptions about me, her judgments of me were gone. Unfortunately, in my piety, the second thought was more disconcerting. I believed she could now always see me and that was terrifying. The point of this is I had succumbed to her demands, and the reckoning that always seemed to occur whenever I considered her. However, more far reaching was how those demands continued even after her passing. The power I gave her post mortem was palpable. It would take a quarter century to free myself of that. Some might believe she still has that power, but I would assert that is incorrect. The influence maintained (and there is some) is a healthy influence at this point because I see good in some of those things. As I finish this post and this calendar year, the road is ahead, and that is an understatement. The possibilities are determined first and foremost by my choices. The expectations are decided by what I am willing to do, the chances I am willing to take. The next 5 months will require discipline and learning. It will include taking chances, probably making some mistakes, perhaps some stepping back and recalculating, but it will be an adventure. I will visit new places and return to previous ones. The year did complete as expected for the most part. I moved from working to working in a new way. I realized more things about the person I have become, the person I am. And yes, I am still in process. We are moving into a year that will complete 1/4 of the 21st Century. That is stunning to ponder. The changes in my life during that time have been beyond anything I could imagine. Managing expectations are essential to success it seems. Taking control of your life is possible. I pray that your new year will be one of blessing and peace.

Blessed New Year and thank you for continuing to read my posts,

Michael

Hello from my new breakfast spot,

While there is no infamous group of coffee gurus here, there are regulars as with any small town diner. While this place is much more akin to @thenewbloomsburgdiner than Burger King and 12 miles away, it has some really thoughtful mini-breakfasts. The photo above is two of the minis paired into something larger. It is also convenient because the pharmacy I now use, the gas station with the most reasonable prices, and some other places to get necessities are yards or blocks away. To provide some perspective, Mallard, my mailing address, as a little town is not the proverbial one-stoplight town. There is no stoplight. Pocahontas, where I am maybe has a few thousand people, and it is the area school district for a half dozen little grain elevator communities. Emmetsburg is also about 12 miles away the opposite direction and the grocery store with some variety is there. I had some dry cleaning to manage after arrival, and that was a 50 minute drive. So while Bloomsburg was not large, and many lamented its lack of shopping, it felt like a metropolitan Mecca compared to where I am. The city I grew up in is about 100 miles away, and it is 100,000. I am going there yet today. As far as the driving, which can always be of concern in December, the morning is brisk, with temperatures in the teens and the requisite wind (I did not check the windchill), but it is partly cloudy, so manageable.

Last evening, Julie, back from one of her patented trips to be grandma, Gavin, home from a day-long wrestling tournament, and I watched (me for the first time) the 2007 movie Love Actually. I am not sure I can relate to its rather Christmas cultic-status, there are certainly some very heartwarming moments. The season of Advent and the 12 days of Christmas (if considering the liturgical calendar) are not a significant portion of the year (this year a total of 37 days or barely more than 1/10 of the year). And yet the emphasis placed on this last month of the year and less than a week in January, be it commercially, religiously, and societally cannot be overstated. Musicians create Christmas pieces as an obligatory part of their repertoire. Hollywood has, for its entire existence, created and released movies to make optimal money (often into perpetuity). In fact, there are ongoing debates about whether or not something is a holiday movie (e.g. Die Hard, the aforementioned Love Actually, and you can add your own). What is it about tradition and this 5 or so weeks that infatuates us to recall the happiest of memories, to believe that somehow we might turn a new leaf, and to reach into our idealistic-selves, hoping against hope that whatever religious tradition we hold will take hold making us more compassionate, more giving, and simply better people? In my more charitable moments, I believe it represents an essential element of our humanity, that deep down we do have a goodness that compels us to care for the other. I also, however, believe that caring is modeled. It is experiential. It is something that creates a sense of value, something worth sharing with another. That modeling and that experience began early in my life with a grandmother. I have certainly written about her in numerous posts, but her love and care cannot be over stated, never remembered too often. She loved with every fiber of her being. She gave all she had to her grandchildren, to her co-workers (employees), and to her Eastern Star ladies. She had an elegance and goodness to her never paralleled. What I realize some almost a half century later is her elegance, her beauty and goodness radiated because of her kindness. And that kindness and caring, while most apparent to grandchildren during Christmas was never a seasonal thing. Certainly the wrapping, the decorations, the gifting gave it prominence, but it was the way she was regardless the date on the calendar. She is without a doubt, the most influential person when I consider who I have become.

As I continue this blog on the 28th of December it does not go unnoticed to me that my adopted father, who was the cousin of the grandmother I am writing about (there is an interesting family integration – my adopting father and my paternal grandmother as cousins, makes him my father and my fourth cousin – I think I have that correctly.) passed away 27 years ago earlier this morning. He had lived a quarter century following a heart attack, which occurred before angioplasty, bypass, or stents. It was lifestyle change. My father made the changes and lived his life with a sense of appreciation and gratitude that emanated in all he did. It was most evident in his ever-present smile. Perhaps it is not accidental these two were cousins. I wonder how much they were around each other growing up. There was certainly some significant connection because we would be adopted from one household to the other. What is interesting to me now is how little I know about the specifics. Yesterday I was speaking, during dinner, with someone who said how little people wanted their keepsakes. I gently disagreed with them. Perhaps they are correct in the moment, but that does not mean that is static. We are products of our experiences, but we still have agency about what we do with those occurrences, with our circumstances.

I am my Grandmother’s child (in multiple ways) as I think I appreciate Christmas as much as she did. The similarities in wanting to pull out all the stops and making others feel special is something we both relish(ed) doing. I do not believe it possible to be overly generous to another. The words of Scrooge, at the end of Dickens’s Christmas Carol, however, are instructive. After his visitation by the three Spirits, and the realization he did not miss Christmas, he exclaims, “I will honour Christmas with all my heart and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all three shall strive within me.” Each of us has the ability to be transformed as the miserly Ebenezer was. Much like the earlier Scrooge was affected by his loneliness or his lost of a significant other, we can lose our way, bury our goodness, but if we can take the time to reflect, I believe we all have (in my case) those grandmothers, those individuals we can use to model a life, one which is more caring, more giving, more efficacious. There is another irony evident to me as I have composed this blog. My father passed during the week (in terms of the calendar date) my sister and I would have been at my grandmother’s house. Indeed, two decades later, but during that calendar week nonetheless.

Over the past 24 hours I have been blessed to spend some time with a former student, their parents, and their two children. What an incredible gift they all are. The children are polite, intelligent, and fabulous. They give me hope. They are the children of their parent; that is readily apparent across the board. My former student, to whom I have been fortunate enough to have a relationship half their life, is beyond tremendous. There are honestly not enough positive adjectives to describe them. They have become an exemplar of what would ever hope for a parent. The love and care they exude is unconditional. It is a continuous joy to have them in my life. The kindness the parents continue to show me is yet another gift. My profession allowed me a profound opportunity to meet people and have some sense of entree into their lives. This was a gift given to me, and something I will never forget. The care that travels both directions is life-changing. Much like my own personal version of Dickens’s important story, but all year long.

As the year’s end is rapidly approaching, it is my wish that the care we seem to offer so readily during this season might become a way of living for us all. Imagine the change or how different our world might be. A couple weeks ago, I was fortunate to see Pentatonix in concert again. This is their version of that infamous song by John Lennon. I do not believe I appreciated Lennon’s insight nearly enough earlier in my life. Imagine if we cared all year long.

I wish you a year of love and caring, and thank you for reading, as always.

Michael

Hello from Mallard,

In the last couple days, while driving to Pocahontas for appointments or to Emmetsburg for errands the memories of a decade ago, to the day, came flooding back. I had driven back to Menomonie from the fall semester teaching in Bloomsburg. I needed to take Lydia to a couple doctors’ appointments, and I would be traveling after Christmas for my first visit to Poland, something that had been arranged by a former student who happened to be Polish as well as by her father, who, while also Polish, divided his time between the States and his Slavic homeland. It was the typical much-colder in Wisconsin, and staying in Lydia’s third floor, the Upper Sanctum as I dubbed it, was cold and had a monastic vibe to it.

When I got to Comforts of Home (COH) to see Lydia, I was stunned by the degree her health had deteriorated since a previous visit earlier that fall. And in spite of the strong care by the staff and really thoughtful and consistent communication with the administrator of the facility, I was not prepared for what I would find in the little room at the end of the right back corridor. Dementia had turned the brain this brilliant economic professor and polyglot into Swiss cheese, and those holes caused numerous seizures. This whirling dervish, two-digit midget (no offense meant to smaller people as I called her this in person) was less than a shell of the person I had first met on the Circle a decade earlier. As I took her to her PCP appointment, she was no longer the person who would chase down her doctor if she waited too long. She was no longer the woman, who in spite her diminutive stature, could, and would, control an entire room. In fact, barely two weeks ago I was in Menomonie, and when her name was mentioned, the gentleman noted she had been her professor. He said unapologetically that she was one of the toughest professors he ever had. Lydia was now reduced to sitting listlessly in her wheelchair, covered by her blanket, while the deteriorating brain matter subjected her to mere existence and general exhaustion because the seizures that wracked her body created incredible pain, which zapped her. On an ironic note, the dementia caused her to forget that experience regardless of how many times it happened.

When we arrived at the doctor’s office that day, Lydia’s change from the incredible take-charge person she had once been was on full-display as she was a present, but non-participant, person in her own health discussion. In spite of her physicians continued profound care, she was incognizant of where she was or what was happening. Even now, as had always been my experience with her doctor, his concern was to offer me both the most caring and appropriate advice and counsel possible. Our conversation was honest and informative as I tried to make the most caring choices for her. It was my responsibility (now both morally and legally). He explained options and reasons for everything I could choose to do. What I learned once again was both his medical acumen, but more importantly the unparalleled compassion he held for every person who entered his care. I was her POA, but in someways I was as much of a patient as she was, and he knew that. His care in providing me the best way to supply for her the most thoughtful possibility at such a crucial time has never been unrecognized. His exceptional goodness as a physician, as a human being is something I still see today. He is one of the few Renaissance people I have ever met. Upon leaving his office, I called her care facility and asked both the administrator and staff RN to wait for our return. I wanted them to know what our change for her care would be.

As we returned in the van to Lydia’s home of the past 3+ years, I still struggled with what choice was best. Her doctor had provided a choice, but he also explained what and why the choice was offered. He used his own family’s experience as a basis. The choice chosen was to discontinue some medication, to increase the dosage of the seizure medication to keep them more at bay, and to offer a medication for pain. That was the choice I made. I did not want her to continue having these incredible body-wrenching episodes, and it mattered not if she remembered them. That sort of pain was inhumane for me for anyone. The irony of the next morning for Lydia’s choice for daily life still shocks me. That Saturday morning she went to breakfast as normal. They had helped her dress and brought her to the central gathering place for her morning meal. She sort of picked at her food that morning, and shortly afterwards, stated , non-characteristically, “I want to go back to bed.” Abiding her wishes, she returned to her room; they redressed her in a warm nightgown, and soon she was comfortably in bed. Unbeknownst to us, except to shower or use her restroom, Lydia would not leave her room again. That day her additional medication was administered, and what became a vigil began.

In the days ahead, the Staff and Aides at COH provided the most incredible care to the little tornado who was the second person to live in their amazing facility. They had cared and supported her and me on this tremendously arduous journey, seeing the transformation from a person who wanted to help with everything to a person who needed help with everything. The administrator cared for her as she would her own grandmother, even crawling into the shower to help her bath in those last days. I watched and marveled as Lydia would refuse water to watching her point into the corner and speak in Polish to the apparitions only she could see. It was during that time this blog would become the significant element in my writing it remains today. It was the way I could chronicle the end of a life that began in Austria, grew in the Sudetenland, would move to London, marry a Polish concentration camp survivor, and together immigrate to Chicago with “two suitcases and a hundred dollars.” She lived a commuter marriage and became a trusted and respected faculty member at the university, and left a memorable path everywhere she went. Those next days were both comforting and tragic as I watched her physical body continue to fade, working to catch the mental person who had long since departed, though there were moments she would surprise us with clarity.

On Christmas Eve day, as I sat at her bedside, I wrote about what I was witnessing, expecting (you can actually scroll down in the interface here, and read those blogs from December of 2014) and playing Christmas music softly on my laptop. She began to speak in Polish and pointed to the corner. I asked her if George (her husband) was there and she nodded affirmatively as her “tak, tak” became more insistent. At a quiet moment, I inquired softly, “Lydia, are you ready to go home?” Hoping she might say tiredly, but appropriately (or so it seemed), “yes’.” Instead, she looked straight at me and replied distinctly (and in her Austrian accent), No!” I simply stared at her. In the six days what had transpired since her appointment, she now ate little or nothing, was too stubborn to drink water, and she slept much more, but she still knew what she wanted. Lydia was no a fan of Christmas, and I secretly feared she would die Christmas Day to haunt me forever. That did not happen; she actually died on New Year’s Day, which her accountant noted was the best day tax-wise to pass away. I have noted to some she probably knew that and planned accordingly.

During the 27th and 28th of December, as her fragility became more apparent, I spent 16-18 hours a day in her room, both because I did not want her alone, but also because I knew I soon had to leave for Poland, the country of her husband. Fortunately, the co-caretaker of her, a former student of mine, a member of the USCG, and his incredible family drove up from North Carolina to take over the vigil. As I spent my final hours with her before I would drive to MSP’s airport, the reality of what was to occur hit me hard. She had become my parent; I had become her chauffeur, her yard boy, her snow-removal person, her personal chef, and perhaps most of all, the never-existent child; I was her guardian, her companion, and in someways the spouse she had lost 20 years before. Before I left a final time, I sat on the floor next to her bed, softly weeping for the loss that was unavoidable. She had slept a great majority of the day, but suddenly, I felt her hand on my shoulder. With tear-filled eyes, I turned to look at her. She smiled faintly, and rubbed my head. I said, haltingly, “You became my mother.” She simply said, “I know.”Then I said, “I love you,” and she responded, “ I love you too, and she closed her eyes. There were no better words we could have exchanged. As she went back to sleep, I went back to the house on the Circle to get my things (already packed). It was snowing steadily, so the trip to the cities would be a little concerning. As I left the house, I decided to return to COH on more time. Tears streamed down my face as I walked to her corner room. I entered quietly and she was sleeping, her breathing shallow. I walked softly to her side and gently kissed her forehead, whispering, “Goodbye, Lydia; I love you.” I walked out of her room and sat in the gathering room that was outside her room where I sat and wept. There was no way I could drive in that moment.

New Year’s Eve day, I was in Kraków, Poland, and standing in the church where Pope John Paul II had served as Cardinal Karol Wojtyła, the Archbishop of Kraków. As I stood before one of the auxiliary altars in the beautiful church, I lit a candle and I prayed a simple and fervent prayer. I knew back in Menomonie, some 4,725 miles and eight time zones away, Nathan and family had taken over the vigil. In fervent supplication, I asked, God, and George, please convince her it is time to come home.” I left the church believing I was heard. Early on the 2nd of January, but still New Year’s Day in Wisconsin. Lydia passed quietly in her sleep with both Nathan and the wonderful administrator by her side. In the decade since her passing, my life has been transformed in many ways, but as she was transformative for me in way too many to count. I still miss her. One of her favorite groups, of course, was the Vienna Boys Choir. The video below is in her honor. I found a picture of her from 10 years ago to the day, but the picture above is how I prefer to remember her.

I hope the memories of those you love will bring you comfort in this season of Advent, and this Sunday of the Angel’s Candle. Thank you as always for reading.

Michael