thewritingprofessor55

Four Score (no); Seven Years (yes)

Hello from 35,000 feet,

I am headed to Placerville and probably over Nebraska somewhere as I compose this post. It was seven years ago I spent my first real time in El Dorado County. It was the point where I fell in love with the art of enology and with what happens in the winery in general. Much like a déjà vu sort of moment, as I am flying to Placerville again (I actually drove there that first summer) there are so many things I can imagine because of past experiences. Fernando is still there and has become a winemaker, one worthy in his own stead. He has grown and changed significantly. Victor, Cheryl, and Isabella, consists now of Victor and an amazing young woman in Isabella. If I am not mistaken, Cheryl,who was really my initial contact to the winery, has been banished. Marco, who seemed destined for a life of bachelorhood, though Belinda was at least a known entity, is now married to her, and they have two beautiful children. Tara, who flew out to visit me, has moved from Menomonie to Hayward and has a child of her own. I no longer live in Wisconsin and am beginning a sixth year in Pennsylvania. I am bringing my two surrogate children (they are actually adults) and they were just moving to Hazleton from New York. At that point none of us ever anticipated our lives would be where they are, let alone even know each other. Last weekend as I began to plan this trip, a person I met that summer, and one with whom I was quite taken, sort of reappeared by text message out of no where. What amazed me about that was feelings, which I had imagined to be long since gone, resurfaced. However, in spite of the emotions, what I read in her text messages, I can see that little in her life has actually changed. I think she is all the way down in Sac now, which means they have moved numerous times, but the situation with Taud and her is really no different. I remember beating myself up back then, and still wanting to believe I took the moral high ground. What I would do? Should I meet her would it merely be torturous and that serves no good purpose.

What I know is I am a bit wiser and not as fragile as I was at that point in my life. It is interesting for me to ponder what makes me less fragile. I think there are two things. First, ironically, I think it is what I went through in my relationship with a former dean and knowing I had to stand up for myself. That happened two years after that summer. The second thing is actually through observation and learning to listen. One person in particular, through text and conversation has done more to help me realize my worth more than anyone or any single event- What I realized as I remembered things, there are only two people for whom I have written a poem: one is with me and the other is texting me – the manner in which that counsel has pushed me to see bigger picture and understand the power we have within ourselves has really transformed my life. I realized some of that in the course of a conversation I was part of last weekend (in fact, three conversations) I responded in those conversations much differently than I would have a few short months ago. In this situation of comparing now to seven years ago, I was told, “it is a test.” But what exactly is the test? To not see her and completely ignore the contact or it the test to be able to see her, listen and speak the truth if I honestly see no changes? Is this very conversation merely a justification on my part? It is a tug-o-war between thoughts and emotions. I know what I feel in my heart. I wish I could get to that first blog from that summer. So much of what I thought about that summer and how I felt like a teenage boy with a crush was a significant part of my writing. I remember the day I left here, driving back with Tara and speaking on the phone with Ann (that is her name) and I cried as I said good bye. It was probably the most I had ever fallen for someone. I feel like I am writing true confessions or something.

What I am realizing is that seldom does someone come along that anyone might find himself or herself so entirely enamored with or over. While I must admit to taking some razzing today, as I noted the feeling I had long ago buried are still present and even seven years time has done little as far as changing them. It is so much easier to just focus on other things, but in other ways that is merely running away. So what was it or is it ( she did send a couple of pictures) that makes her so attractive? It is a combination of her physical beauty and a gentleness in her spirit I think. It is a vulnerability that she has, not in a simple way, in fact, just the opposite. It is a playfulness about her that I remember. I still remember clearly the first day she spoke to me in that Starbucks, where I spent so much time that summer. I remember someone in Wisconsin I spoke with and had been spending some time with told me they could see clearly how I felt. I remember that I was totally blindsided by such a situation. . . .

It is now early Thursday morning and it has been a whirlwind two days. Wine tasting, a wine lesson (actually a lesson on enology) , a dinner with Marco, Belinda and the children, and then a trip to Tahoe and the renting of a boat. Dinner at the little restaurant in Somerset and a second day. In the process, there have been texts and chats with Ann and it appears we will have a chance to meet later today. While I am excited to do so, the conversations and texts have clearly demonstrated that she is quite a bit more fragile than she was seven years ago. The inability to make the change she needs is apparent and the reasons for that inability are complex. What is different about me is that in spite of the feelings that I realize are present even now, I am no longer willing to try to take care of someone. I might want to give care, but I am not sure I would even go that far. I have enough on my plate now. It is that propensity for giving too much that has too often created both hurt and trouble for me. It is good to see a change in that pattern. I know I will still be amazed by the beauty I know is there in spite of the struggles, but this past 7 or 8 months has taught me a great deal.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the summer is gone. While I did not accomplish all I had hoped, I accomplished some much more significant. I took better care of myself. I fought fevers, pneumonia, and a serious cough most of the summer, but I continued to battle those things and other health issues and I am making progress. It is slow progress, but it is progress nonetheless. I also had people near and dear to me travel to Pennsylvania to spend time with me and those visits mean more to me than words will ever express. From California to North Carolina and in between. I had a house guest of sorts, more accurately, I had a “daughter” living at home. What an amazing experience for me as a first- time parent. Thank you for being there, Melissa. What a wonderful thing to share with you and to be part of the Galán family. While I stayed close to home almost all summer, a trip to NYC, then a trip to the Dominican Republic, and then back to California in the last two and a half weeks has made for a unforgettable summer. Well, I will try to post once more before I return to PA. Today it is to Sacramento and a chance for Melissa and Jordan to do some shopping. It is a chance for me to speak with Ann. The evening will be a dinner event with Marco and Belinda. Tomorrow I think will be some walking in the vineyards and a bit more tasting, followed by a cookout at Cantiga. I need to contact them today. While it is only 2:47 a.m., as usual I am awake and thinking. Two days and back on the plane. In the meanwhile, time to continue enjoying this experience. As I was looking at the calendar, I realized it is my first wife’s birthday today . . . amazing what is stored in my head.

Thanks for reading,

Michael

Preparar

Hello from my office

It is about 2:25 a.m and I am in my office working away. While I need to do this for the next day or so, it is my intention to keep from pulling the hours I did last spring during the coming semester and beyond because it is not the healthiest way to manage my job or my life. That being said, it is a bit difficult to realize that 36 hours ago I was in 100+ temperatures and it is supposed to be in the 40s here in Bloomsburg tonight. It was also a wild day of managing the present issues and trying to prepare for what is to come, both in the week immediately ahead as well as in the next month. While I received significant admonishment about living in the day and not worrying about tomorrow, and I have some appreciation for that idea, the reality of my job requires planning and preparation. I also realize that thing pop up last minute, but that is exactly why you have to plan ahead. Otherwise it is impossible to keep up. It was like today. Time was needed to help Grace. Melissa had what she planned to do tonight changed. But you manage those things. I found out the flooring order was out of stock or back-ordered.

I came home expecting that UGI would have a gas line run to the house. No such luck. It could have messed up my whole week, but I decided that I would proceed with the other parts rather than reschedule. I think life is always dualist inc in that we need to manage the present, and simultaneously prepare for the future. Failure to do so only sets is up for more stressful circumstances. I should note that the title of this post is the Spanish word for “prepare”. It is sort of a joke word for me. As those who know Spanish or speak Spanish accurately, it is in the Latino DNA to be able to roll your “r”s. This is not the case for most white people. I can roll a singular “r” pretty easily from my vocal training, but three in a single work is a much. So when I first got this word, I sounded like I was speaking with a mouth full of marshmallows. The consequence of possible lethal kicking or stabbing by my tutor. I must say I have improved. In fact, on my trip back yesterday, I worked to speak Spanish both in the airport and the plane. When the flight attendant was handing out documents to get through customs, he began to give me foreigner-documents to fill out. When I told him I was American. He was both stunned and apologetic. I took it as a compliment on how much I have progressed. The fear of being kicked or stabbed has paid off. Actually I must admit learning Spanish pronunciation is much kinder than what English must be for ESL persons to face.

It is Saturday and time is flying; I am still heading to Hazleton and then there will be more organizing tomorrow. I am finding it hard to comprehend that the semester begins a week from Monday. I have a lot on my plate and I will be doing some work during our trip. I am hoping that there is internet at the little cabin. I am excited for Jordan and Melissa to see this place, the place where I have found the most relaxation over the past few years. I am also exited to see how much Ginetta and Carlito have changed since I last say them. We are actually in the airport now and they are engrossed in their technology, but if I am typing here, I imagine I have no room to speak. Over the weekend, and certainly out of the blue, Ann, a person I met the Sumer I spent in Placerviille, contacted me. While my life has changed significantly, it seems hers has not. Yet, she still has the ability to tug at my emotions in the way one seldom has. She sent two pictures yesterday, and as she noted “sans make-up”, she was and is still beautiful. The sad part is I am hearing the same stories I heard seven years ago. The difference for me is I no longer want to rescue. That is a significant issue and area of growth for me. I am not sure of I will find an opportunity to see her, but I am fine with that.

Yesterday I worked on getting organized. There will still be some of that this week. However, I want Jordan and Melissa to have a good time. That is my goal for the week. I will relax and share this amazing place I love with the people I love.

Thanks for reading,

Michael

From Chocolate to Michael Jackson

Good Morning,

Yesterday (Monday) might have been the most enjoyable day thus far, though we are headed on an excursion today that should be quite amazing. I have some small concern as it is a bit overcast, the most since we have been here, but the clouds seem to move quickly, so we will see.

So yesterday morning, for the first time on my life I actually went to a spa. I did an hour plus session in which they defoliated my skin and I learned this is not that hard of a thing to do regularly without buying a bunch of OTC cosmetic-type products. The amazing lady who worked with me was very informative. After that treatment, I was covered in chocolate and wrapped in plastic. What a different experience. I learned chocolate firms and hydrates your skin. So I can lay in it and eat it too. Who knew?? After 20-25 minutes I got washed off again and then I was treated to a deep tissue massage (she told Me I had the tightest neck and shoulders she had ever seen and told me I need to head back in a week for another massage. Guess that will have to be somewhere else. After getting all squared away I sat peacefully in a garden-like setting and had chlorophyll water and a freshly made juice with no sugar. The entire two hour period was phenomenal. Guys who think they are too manly for such an event need to rethink. As I say, my “man-card” is not that fragile.

When I retuned, inspite of a shower the hint of chocolate still emanated from my body. As a person so aptly noted, there are certainly worse smells in the world. Shortly thereafter, it was out into the world of loco manejando y más loco motocicletas for another adventure. We made it back for our daily meal at el cocinero and yo comí un salad distinción (salpicón de marisco) y batata frita. Jacqueline laughed at how I said “batata”. Then it was more traveling about town to try to get Sr. Galán a functioning phone. I am not sure a 3GS will work with the needed software updates. I don’t think that is going to be an easy or cheap fix. One thing I am trying to be better at is not not get caught up in schedules. By the time we got back to the resort, it was almost 5:00 p.m. We spent the next couple hours by the pool, but I did find a few treasures during the day too. The evening was spent at a show outside in a elegant setting listening to Andrea Bocelli and sipping champagne. Then it was off to a different venue and listening to a Michael Jackson tribute. That was amazingly realistic and superbly done.

There was one damper on the day when I read that Robin Williams had passed away and more tragically through or by his own hand. I remember Mork and Mindy. Dead Poets Society is one of my favorite movies and Good Morning Vietnam is right up there. Mrs. Doubtfireor Patch Adams have all been influential movies in my mind. Amazing that one who could make so many happy was so much the opposite. My heart goes out to those close to him and who are so profoundly affected by this tragic loss. It is a poignant reminder of the complexity and frailty of life.

It is now actually Wednesday morning very early and I am awake; I want to get this posted before we leave the resort because my internet for the next day and a half will be gone and I am not sure about power until later today, so my phone will be off more than on. That is not such a bad thing. Last night I erased about 4 months worth the text messages of my phone. I know I have up to the last week on my iPad, but I am not sure about the last week. I think I have up to yesterday because the last back up to the loud on the phone was the10th.

Yesterday we went on an island excursion. It was like living in a postcard. All the pictures were amazing and it was fun because there were a number of Germans so our guide made all announcements or the giving of handy facts in English, German, or Spanish. I could understand about 2 1/2 of the 3 announcements. It was helpful to hear it in German first and Spanish second because it forced me to work on my listening and comprehension skills. While there was a chance to swim in the ocean in this place what was shallow and a chance to go snorkeling, I was content to be in the sun. The amount of food that day completely blew out the healthy diet and the rum and coke flowed too freely. The ride on the bus took us through a number of places and the poverty along the way caused me to think about how many people live so differently. I know I do not have to come to another country to see that, but compared to Bloomsburg, it is so much more apparent. Next to a tin shack you will find an amazing paradise. What has been most enjoyable is to see Jacqueline and her husband. He is the nicest man and so laid back. He is personable and handsome and just plain amazing. I am anticipating Sr. Galán and the visit to his home town today. The town is La Vega. It is the first time he has been there in 14 years. I will write about that and the day in my next post.

Last night we made our last stop at El Cocinero. I got a picture taken with the staff and we met the wife (co-owner). She also invited me to the restaurant in Allentown. I promised then I would come. I think I have a place to take The Galáns for dinner. Well, I need to get up and moving. It is light outside. It has been a unforgettable 5 days. One last full day before we travel to Santiago tomorrow and I am back on a plane.

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Martin

Augury and Irony

Hello on Sunday afternoon,

The irony of the moment is I can contact people most anywhere, but I need to. I went off to the beach I was at yesterday, but learned that we by only have access to the area. While I got free drinks yesterday, I found out that was a mistake. I could not even buy water today. So an hour in the 100 heat with no water made things a bit difficult. I have texted Sr. Galán but to no avail. I am back at the suite and locked out. I am afraid he cannot get my texts, and though I have come back and forth to the suite for over an hour. I have no access. I have actually texted Melissa in New York because if he is in touch with anyone it is her and I am hoping she has gotten my texts and can relay the message.

If I had a key I would be fine. I thought about asking of I could have it, but did not want to impose. At the moment I am sitting in a stairwell. I do have a bit of money with me, but I am not even sure where to buy water. The VIP bracelet we have allows access, but nothing else, not even to buy. I have more than enough money, but it does nothing. I have some language skills, but not enough. I have some access, but it is like the song about ” you can read the menu, but you cannot eat.” It is a vestige of isolation. It was interesting to feel a bit helpless, and not all that enjoyable. It is interesting that they have changed some rules and those rules after food, water, hygiene and most of the basic things we take for granted.

It reminds me of the Interim class with Dr. Nielsen when I was roaming around Germany on my own with minimal language skills and I was sick with pneumonia. There is an irony some almost 35 years later there are so many issues the same. I made it through two weeks then – two hours now. Amazing that I got ahold of Melissa almost as soon as her father. I remember enjoying the loneliness of that experience in Germany. I enjoyed moments here too. I know that some might find it surprising, but I enjoy
solitude from time to time.

What I feel most sad about is it appears that rules have changed and Jacqueline did not know. I am considering purchasing the upgrade for the next three days for us. I know that is not what they would prefer, but it has to do with hygiene and important comforts I think. I am glad we are not eating here everyday as I noted and that we are in town. I wrote about that yesterday. I think the problem with these changes are the sweeping nature of what they affect.

As I try to compose here I am also texting and setting up the next couple of days. I think along with the visit to the restaurant again, we are going to a waterfall. Tomorrow I am doing something I have never done. I am going to a spa appointment. I have been working hard to take care of the inside of my body. Now to care a bit for the outside – and it involves chocolate. No bad images allowed!! On Tuesday an excursion and then one last day. I think it will pass by more quickly than I will wish. Of course, then it is off to Placerville for a few days. I am excited to see how Melissa and Jordan find their experience.

We have just left the restaurant again. Tonight we met the owner. Another irony: he has a restaurant and splits his time between here and Allentown. What are the chances of that happening. His restaurant is called Mi nueva casa. I am sitting in the backseat trying to figure out what is being said. I think the place we were going is already closed. Well, I did figure it out correctly, though I thought it was about days and hours and it was only hours. Each day is an adventure on the roads. When I thought I have seen it all I am shocked again. We did hear that a brother of one of the servers at the restaurant was killed trying to cross that road. I am surprised we have not witnessed an accident yet.

Well, while I am with people for whom I care and have the the most respect and love, yet I feel isolated. It is of my own making because of the language. I have mixed feelings that a ticket was canceled, but generally I am feeling more positive than negative about it. I am also feeling the irony of the day as I have noted. It is amazing how we can be alone in the midst of people. I have always felt some of this. It is those times I am most introspective. It is those times I most appreciate the gifts it have.

Thanks for reading.

Michael

Things that make me go . . .

Good morning from the balcony,

As I have begun my last three days, I am up and on the balcony just relaxing, yet pondering, and writing. I am thinking that this practice of writing first thing in the morning should become a habit. I am reminded of my comprehensive exams chair, Dale Sullivan. That was (and probably still is) his practice. I am hoping a number of things I have learned, or more accurately, observed might become something that is a normal part of my routine.

Last night before falling asleep I thought about what we say and what we do. I wonder how it is that sometimes they are so misaligned. It is what we say is what we aspire to? What we want or who we hope we might become? I understand shortcomings and I understand good intentions. I am reminded of the Greek word for sin. The word is hamartia. In literal terms it means “to miss the mark”. I am reminded of the image I was given in the summer Greek class in 1983. It was to shoot an arrow and fall short of the target. What I like about that image is three-fold.

First, it illustrates that we have responsibility for the action taken. We are doing something. We are in charge of our lives and not merely something deterministic, something imposed upon. Second, much like someone with a quiver of arrows, we have another chance, a way in which to make amends, if you will, and attempt to improve or change what happened. Third, it means that what has happened should be clear to us, or at least, it has the ability to become clear to us. The image of falling short is simple, but, of course, failure most often creates fear and fear paralyzes us. I also realize this is pretty simplified and there is much more one could argue, but hang in there for a bit. What is not so simple in this is to understand if the incongruence between what we do and what we say is apparent? Is it intentional (having to do with motive) or is it something of which we are actually unaware? Sometimes I think out personalities and our circumstances create this dilemma. Sometimes I think it is what we have learned or molded into our daily routines that cause the circumstance. Yet in either case, we are still accountable for our actions. Sometimes it is our frailties and the sum total of what is occurring, but that is when forgiveness is most needed.

I am reminded of a circumstance earlier this summer (and one that continues) when someone love for another is clouded by their struggles. The struggle is being able to see beyond the present and to imagine the future. The struggle is believing that the love professed is stronger than the human frailties of either party. It is a struggle with age, culture, and vision. It forces me to return to my own mother. How I would do things so differently if it were possible for a “do-over”. An earlier blog addresses some of that. How I would do two minutes over the other night if I could – that is the real consequence; once it is done, it cannot be undone. It is not possible to undo the damage, but it is possible to make amends. It is unfortunate that we do not seem to do that as well as we should. Forgiveness is the most powerful thing we have as humans. Yet, all too often, we fail to provide or give it to the person in need. The simple phrase “I’m sorry”, when spoken truthfully is a plea for forgiveness. Luther called it the”office of the keys”. If, and when, we provide forgiveness we provide freedom. Freedom from guilt or shame.

Yet there is a second part to this: we have to accept forgiveness and believe it is truly given. That is often my struggle, I have to believe I am worthy of being forgiven. I have to believe that the gift given is truly given. It is something I am working on at this very moment. When I return will I continue to believe that the unparalleled experience of being surrounded with care continues? That is a difficult one for me. It is my own struggle to believe that I am worth having around. I heard completely what each person said to me. “This changes nothing, the relationship is the same. Don’t worry” -amazing words in the circumstance. “We forgive you; we are not going to throw you away.” – again words with long-term consequences, and words of comfort.

While I have lost things and even people and perhaps more honestly discarded people, I am realizing the importance of family in a way I could have never imagined. While I appreciate my family and I love them the distance and inconsistency of being in contact with the exception of a couple, has left me feeling alone. I am also accountable for my part of that separation. What I feel now is a desire to be part of something – that is new to me. It is frightening to me. It is a gift to me, and one I am still trying to wrap my head around.

In spite of my failings, I hope that I illustrate how blessed I am in being offered this gift. I hope it is apparent how grateful I am. I hope what I say and what I do demonstrates a consistency that is unmistakably humbled and in awe of these gallant people. I might have to blog twice today.

Thanks for reading.

Michael (DM)

The Weekend

Buenas dia,

Estoy sentado en de balcón. Yo puedo caminar des de cuarto. Antes noche yo dormí aproximo 9 1/2 hora. Yo pienso que es que más yo he dormido en años. Es el sábado por la mañana y espero que pasan la mayor parte del día en la playa mirando el océano y leyendo un libro. So . . . with some help on verb tenses, there is about 5 minutes worth the work. I must admit it is really enjoyable to work at this. I am finding that all the vocabulary I learned is helpful, but only to a certain extent. Words alone do not help my sentence construction beyond a certain point. It does help when I am listening because I can pick things up, but like yesterday when I could not remember the word for “word” (yes, ironic). I could not get Juan Carlos to figure out what I was saying. I ended up texting Melissa and wrote to NY to get a single word in the República Dominicana. Soy afortunado de tener diccionarios humanas que están dispuestos a aguantar a mí.

Jordan, esto es para ti; ¿¿descargar el ‘whatsapp’? Te he enviado un par de preguntas y tengo un poco más. ¿Puedes volver a mí, por favor? ¿Cómo va el video? Sé cuánto te gusta responder a mensajes de texto? I know it is summer, though I am amazed at how quickly it had gone by. I am reminded of how parents or older people always told me how time would seem to go more quickly the older we get. The truthfulness in that statement is alarmingly correct. I was thinking about how much more quickly the second almost 30 years of my life went than the first 30. It is simply because we do not have a reference point when we are younger. It the words of Rent a year is 525,600 minutes long. “How do you measure a year in the life?” I have been reminded this summer, and again in the past few days, to measure it in love. Back to the point at hand: what is it about experience and reflection that seems to make things move so much differently or pass by so much more quickly? Something for me to ponder as I read and lay on the beach today.

So it was a beach day. How ironic that the two people I would find to lay down next to were Germans. That was amazing and enjoyable. I was speaking in English, Spanish and German for about 4 hours. It was a wonderful day. While we were there the drinks were free on this beach and there was a sushi bar. It was a really tough experience let me tell you. There was a drink called “coco loco” (crazy coconut) . They were delicious and contained Bacardi 151 in them and tasted like they had no alcohol. I did get out on a ocean for a quick dip, but most of the time I relaxed and read. I found out that everyone else went out after I went to bed and I think the same is on tap tonight. We’ll see. I am pretty wiped out from the sun today, but it was the first time I have done this in years too. I just had my second Nutribullet juice of the day: cactus, red pepper, pineapple and lime, a combination of sweet and spicy. We went to the same restaurant today for “cenar” and I did eat un pescado llame “chillo”. I did get a picture, but I am posting on my phone and have not figured out how to get a picture in yet. We had pictures taken with the family (staff) of the restaurant . However we used Sr. Galán’s phone, so I have yet to get them from him.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my first two days and I am almost over my cough. I think I only coughed four or five times all day. That is the first time in over a month. We set up an excursion on Tuesday. It is on a boat and we go to an island beach and snorkeling and a whole bunch of things. Monday might there is Michael Jackson tribute show I think I want to attend. Needless to say, I never saw the real person, so this is as close as I might get. Today continued the world of crazy driving. They all laugh at me because I am in the back seat just shaking my head and saying, “oh my!!” I am listening to music out the window as everyone is getting ready to go out. I wish I could put sound into this post. It is amazing.

As we were coming back to the resort I observed all the little shops and shacks in which people live. I am forced to consider what we have an take for granted and yet so many of us are unhappy. While I saw a number of people walking who looked a bit haggard, I think many of them are working tremendously hard at jobs for every little money. The family that has the restaurant consists of a mother, who started things I imagine and is now retired or around sparingly. There is the daughter who is probably my age or a bit younger, and then a next generation of children and cousins. They have treated us like family. I think we will be there almost everyday. The woman my age has Wednesday off and I am not sure if we will be there Tuesday. I want to get names and addresses so I can write and send them something.

I am going to do some reading and call it a night. The second complete day has been “muy bien”. I am so grateful to be here and experience this amazing country. It is beautiful and the people are wonderful. It is not what I imagined because of what I have heard about those in New York. While I might have witnessed a brief second or two of that in three days, that is the exception. I actually asked Jacqueline about it. I am hoping this is the first of more trips to this amazing place. The other thing I want is to be able to listen to a conversation and understand. More work to do.

Well everyone else has left for the evening. I am going to read a bit and call it a night. Thanks for reading.

Michael

Una día nueva

Saludo de la vista de mi cuarto,

What an amazing morning here mi primer día completo en Dominicana república. Estoy en mi balcón y la vista está maravillosa.La temperatura está aproximadamente en 85 grados Fahrenheit y hay un poco de brisa. El sol está brillante. Estoy comiendo fresa mango y sentado en mi balcón, escuchando a música para mi iTunes. Estoy regresando para del supermercado con Juan Carlos. El hablo muy poco inglés y yo hablo poco español. Nosotros tuvimos una pequeña dificultad pero nosotros manejamos.

Today we went to the same little local restaurant we went to last night. The staff is so friendly and the food is so amazing. Sr. Galán is able to make people laugh wherever we go. He is really very personable and engaging, and that is just the surface. There is so much more. While I know I do not agree with everything he professes, I most certainly respect his passion and the rationale he employs in his thought processes. I really do think he is tremendously funny. We had a great time at lunch teasing Juan Carlos. If my Spanish was better, I would imagine even more craziness. We have purchased food to eat in this evening and I think we might go out later again. I found that all the video taken last night did not save. That is unfortunate because the party we attended with dancers and such was phenomenal. I will also note that using the internet and the use of technology in general is so very different than I have been conditioned to have. While we are in a resort, which is a complete 180 from being in town, the internet connection and the way it is used is spotty at best. That is not a value statement, but rather a statement about difference. I am fearful that I am going to get killed on my AT&T bill next month. That is in spite of buying a plan, which was anything but “barata”.

This afternoon was spent at lunch and running a couple of errands. Now I am hanging out by the pool and relaxing. I think this might be the most I have unwound in a very long time. I had to smile on a number of occasions today and I told Sr. Galán, “Ronnie would be beside himself if he were here. I think I have seen some of the most beautiful women I have ever observed. Ronnie would have been “loco todo” last night at this gathering. His shirt would never be found. Yet, this place we are in caters to those who have money, or at least money that is not typical among the local people. I could not help but wonder what some of the smiling faces that work so hard to attend to us go home to? While I have had those times in my life where I was broke I did not believe my life would always be such.

What happens when people barely eek out an existence? What makes them happy? I certainly know that money is not equal to happiness, but we still take so much for granted. I do not really take much of anything for granted at this point, but for other reasons. Yet I think it is, perhaps, better to see everyday as a gift, as an opportunity. I could have never in my wildest dreams a year ago imagine where I am now. It was a year ago today that Jordan completed my class. I was leaving for Placerville and getting ready to grade my summer classes. The number of changes in the year have been rather overwhelming. Deckers were gone and I realized how important they were in my life. I have moved on in some other ways in my life and while I have some sadness in that, it is strange how things work out. I am in the middle of a new situation and taking on a fight with more tools and things at my disposal than I could have imagined. The most important tool is that of family and friends. While the other changes in diet and such are profoundly important, not being alone is most significant for my mental well being.

It is Friday night and my desire to go out again tonight is minimal. Tomorrow I need to get a better lay of the land. This is a huge complex and there is so much here. I think I want to be on one of the beaches tomorrow and merely hanging out and being a lizard in the sun. I am assuming we might have lunch or dinner in the same place. La restaurante llame el Cocinero. Juan Carlos y Sr. Galán ate an entire fish. It is a very large fish and was caught fresh this morning. I tasted it and it was fabulous. They got the phone number so we can call ahead and it will be quicker. They let me know I needed to do this entire fish tomorrow. We’ll see if I decide to take that on.

Today has been a good day and one to learn more things. I have found that my reading comprehension is very strong. I even enjoy the writing.. My difficulty is listening and picking out what is being said. It moved so quickly. I pick up words, but sometimes the connecting words are pushed together and I am completely overwhelmed. I thought about what it would be like if I were alone. It would be frightening. While I have learned a lot in 4+ months, it is not nearly enough. Tomorrow will be yet another day. Until then.

Thanks for reading.

Michael

Traveling and Trembling

Buenas Día a las JFK,

I am sitting in the airport with about a half hour left before I board of flight to Santiago Dominica república. It is actually the first time I am traveling out of the country in 24 years. It is amazing to me that it has been that long and the last time I flew out of JFK I was going to Europe.

I am actually in flight at the moment and while my phone is in airplane mode I can still write. We are currently passing over Jacksonville, SC, turning out over the Atlantic Ocean. We are about 2 hours from our destination. I am actually beginning to relax a bit. I need to unwind more than I realized. While I know it has been a long couple months, I found out more clearly than I want how overwhelmed I am. Those who know me well know I seldom if ever get really angry or lash out at anything or anyone. However, I had such a moment last night. It didn’t last more than a minute, but when I stood on the back porch afterwards my entire body shook and trembled for more than 5 minutes. It was horrible. It was difficult because I care so deeply about Jordan and I am so grateful to him for so many things. However, I care so deeply about all the Galáns. The long and short of the evening was that I learned yet more about them and more about myself. In spite of my failing in that moment they responded with a sense of love and caring that I have never experienced in my entire life . . . ever. They literally surrounded me with receiving arms of care and words of support and love. As undeserving as I was, they spoke words of forgiveness. I tremble now in gratitude. This morning as Sr. Galán and I went to the airport, he explained in words what I experienced last night. They were words of wisdom and words of beauty. I experienced genuine care and love last night in a way that I did not realize was possible. I was given a gift from God that began as a young man in a summer class and continues to manifest itself in ways I never could have imagined. I am reminded of Paul’s words: “I, the least of them, have been the most richly blessed.”

The variety of ways that they care for me and the sum total of what they have done is also unequaled. Indeed, there are people who have loved me, and those who do more than I probably allow, ( a couple of you know who you are because you read this) but I have a long history of doing it alone. It has been safer that way. This amazing experience has taught me how people from different cultures and different backgrounds have a mutual responsibility for each other. As my last blog focused on “Alterity”, what if we worked to understand our interpersonal and global dependence on each other? How might we change as individuals? How might the world change? How might the balance of power change? Even as I write this I am finding a change in my thought process. Is there more truth in the idea that we are encouraged to continually create a group(s) of “the others”? Is there as much of a sinister power out there manipulating us to keep us fractured and incapable of changing?

Estoy en a las aeropuerto de Santiago. As we first saw land Sr. Galán’s eyes lit up. He said emotionally, “It is the first time I have seen my home in 14 years.” My being here with him began to sink in. I have been away from the mainland (the forty-eight contiguous states) for a period of time, but never away from my entire country for such an extended time. . . . It is about 5 hours later and we are in Puerto Plato at the home for the week. I have never experienced such a place. Oh my goodness. Es esta maravilloso. After unloading things, we went to dinner. Mero de filete a la fresa y tostones. Comida para cuatro persones esta 36.00. I was stunned. The resort and the town are two different worlds. I should note if there are mistakes in my Spanish, I am not using a translator. The other thing about being here that is quite ridiculous is the driving. I think my life flashed before my eyes at least a dozen times today. There was one particular time when a truck was way over the yellow line and coming towards us.

So we have been at dance parties and discos (clubs) since 9:00 and it is 12:30. It is the most I have danced in over 10 years. It was a blast. My head is full of so many thoughts, but mostly how infectious this culture and their passion for life permeates their being. The music and the dancing and the rhythm is phenomenal. I have some sense of Melissa out this weekend. I will be hearing similar music, but in a very different setting. We came to this club and it was dead 15 minutes ago; now it is packed. Everywhere there are the most amazing smiles and the most wonderful dancing.

There is so much to write, but my phone is dying and I have limited access to wifi or I pay. Thanks for reading. More tomorrow.

Michael

The Rhetoric of Alterity

Hello from the dentist’s office,

So I have had two temporary crowns in place for a few weeks and one of them decided to become more temporary, or more accurately, no longer in my mouth. I am not sure if it is the consequence of regularly digging at a space that seems to want to trap 50% of what I eat or if it is the consequence of my passing out in the bathroom last night and hitting the floor face first. Rather frustrating, but the permanent crowns are in and so I will get them in before the trip to the Dominican Republic. I thing that is probably another weird occurrence of divine intervention. I think God regularly tries to keep me out of trouble.

I have been thinking a lot about what it must feel like to be “the other” lately. What creates the situation of otherness can be varied, but it seems the result of being “the other” always results in some degree of marginalization. It creates a sense of being under-valued or being seen as different. The title of my blog is actually borrowed from one of my last doctoral classes. The class focused on the group of Jewish intelligencia who chose to leave Germany rather than stay in a country that was controlled by the Nazis. While this group was “welcomed” to some extent in their foreign home, they never felt like they belonged.

As I have listened to comments and observed attitudes this past six months of my newly found Dominican friends, family, surrogate children, or whatever term seems appropriate for them (and all the previous terms have merit and are apropos) I find such a myriad of emotions and thoughts. Some of their thoughts and emotions I understand; some I do not. There are some things about or over which I am saddened and others that I find to be incongruent with all the other things they believe. Let me say also as a white person, as I am called, I cannot pretend to feel or see things as they do. So as I write this (now at 1:30 a.m.) I am looking at the entire gamut of actions and words. I think what saddens me most of all is what I perceive to be a sense of not belonging to a country in spite of the fact, at least for Jordan and Melissa, they were born here. I also have learned that, again at least for Jordan and Melissa, they are less than comfortable with how many individuals from their ethnic-heritage-homeland conduct themselves. This also carries over particularly to their father. It has to do with how personal pride informs conduct, and I respect their opinions and attitudes, but for why they feel as they do, but even more so in how they conduct themselves. Yet, my sadness comes from this sense of alterity that permeates their thought processes and feelings. I am compelled to wonder if we so marginalize non-WASP entities that they have little option, but to think and feel as “the other”? Yet, it is still a choice (seems I am back there again). Should I separate the thinking and the feeling when I ponder choice? Of course, they have grown up bilingual in a country that prides itself on being a meeting pot on one hand and has practically forced many to give up most vestiges of their ethnic heritage (and particularly language) on the other. While most of Jordan’s thoughts are not much more than my perception because we have not had the in depth conversations, Melissa and I have spoken about much of this since the first week or so I was around her (if you read my 2014 blogs, the theme of “questioning” and being puzzled is certainly apparent).

I think the seeming lack of congruency comes from being a citizen -which I understand in some instances is not a choice- on one hand while seeming to have some disdain for that citizenship on the other (and I understand that is my personal judgment). I should note that it is my patriotism that creates some of the dilemma for me. Perhaps it is also because there are so many questions that I still want to ask or perceptions I still want to understand. In the case of Jordan and Melissa, I think part of it is being “bound” to this educational hierarchy and system and then more specifically in the case of one not really wanting to spend his or her life here. As an aside, it is the two of them in the picture with me above. In the case of the previous generation, their parents are probably much like any immigrants., hoping that the “American dream” is more than a facade. I am reminded of the writing of Fareed Zakaria, the CNN commentator, GPS host, and otherwise pretty brilliant man. Have we so squandered much of what we had through our selfish attitudes and lost what brings many to these shores? It is interesting that I first began to question some of this during the time and upon which I most anchor my patriotism (the Marine Corps). For it was there I first became significantly cognizant that we were certainly arrogant in our attitudes about some things (especially language). It was also through my first learning or experiencing another language (German, thanks to the Peters family) that I began to appreciate how language creates an identity and a sense of belonging, a connection to the other.

So where does all of this leave me? I guess still sad. I am keenly aware of the fact that too often for too many the “dream” is a mirage. For some, they play by the rules and yet, they are forced to live by different rules. I struggle with they seeming lack of patriotism, but we have marginalized them because of their skin color or their accent, or their native language. I am always stunned when I hear comments like “they all look the same” or “they all act the same” or some other mass-grouping sort of idiocy. I am saddened that in the past weeks the bone-heads we have elected want to continue this xenophobic otherness. I see how those to whom we have given the power to equalize our lives continue to marginalize so many. It is when I ponder these specifics that perhaps their actions are not as incongruent as they might appear. I too would wonder why my parents came here. I would wonder if other options might be less mirage and more concrete.

While I am not the other, perhaps it is those who are that really have the ability to see America for what it is. I am proud, and simultaneously confounded, to claim the title of American. I am that WASP, but one who questions and hopes we might still appreciate what all of the others offer while we still can. When we educate and lose some of the most brilliant and thoughtful minds (Tu sabe directamente cuánto respeto lo que usted piensa y dice, aun cuando yo podría discrepar. Su buena voluntad de hacer las preguntas difíciles me ha ayudado cultivado y aprecia la complejidad de la situación. Esto me ha ayudado a comenzar a verme como un ciudadano global.)and then cause them to feel unappreciated or disowned, we lose them. We also lose ourselves. We all become “the other”. As I finish this I am packed to visit the Dominican Republic. We’ll soon find out first hand how much I can depend on what I have learned since the end of March. I will spend a week being “the other”. It is now 3:00 a.m.. Off to sleep, I hope.

Thanks for reading,

Michael

Making Changes

Good morning,

I know I had a draft of another post saved, but at the moment, it has disappeared. I actually when out for breakfast this morning and trying to eat something that is not processed or does not have sugar in it is quite the dilemma. The change in my diet and lifestyle is taking some significant discipline and thought, but as it is with most things, changes take time to manage. I can make the change, but for it to become “the norm” is something substantially different. I think this is especially true when it comes to our diets. We are so programmed to just eat. I am reminded that in my home growing up , at 5:00 p.m. it was dinner time. That time was almost sacrosanct. Furthermore, it did not matter if you might have snacked an hour before, you sat down and ate, and you cleaned up everything on your plate. No questions asked.

It is hard to believe that the beginning of the school year is barely three weeks away. Again, there will be changes: new students, new schedules, a new office, perhaps a new status . . . each of these things constitutes some kind of change in my life. However, I am not the only one who experiences such a phenomena. We are constantly in a state of flux, or so it seems. What is constant? Is it that nothing is? I was told the other day”you’ve become stronger and wiser over the past few months . . .”. Those are significant words and they mean a lot to me. It is interesting sometimes what pushes us to be stronger and wiser, but most often it seems that such a change comes from adversity, from struggle. I am reminded of a sign that now hangs outside my office. “May your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions greater than your words” (Anonymous). We are either held back because of those fears and paralyzed because we refuse to take control of our lives. I must admit that most of my life certainly a propensity of mine has been to worry about the welfare of others, to my own detriment. That might work for a while, but at some point it causes resentment and anger. I know this first hand. I have become more discerning about what I will do and how I will help as well as when and why. Even when I think back to college I was the person who would help others sometimes resulting in the creation of my own perilous circumstances. I has taken me a long time to understand, or perhaps more accurately believe, that I should make sure that I am cared for. It has always seemed selfish to put myself first. Now, lest you believe that I am turning into a self-centered jerk, please to not fear. That is not the plan. I merely am working on things that are necessary for my self care before always putting the other person first. I have been reminded by a number of people this summer that I need to do that. I have always understood the logic of it, but putting it into practice takes some work.

Speaking of changes, there are others for whom I care a great deal that are going through their own changes, and they are significant. I am always amazed at how time creates changes in us. How what we perceive at one point in our life evolves into something much different. The consequences of those changes can be painful. That is what I am witnessing at the present time and my heart hurts for all affected by the impending change. I understand the reasoning, at least to some extent, but that certainly does not make it any easier. There is also the reality of the unknown when changes are undertaken. The more extensive the change, the more likely that the unknown is more frightening. I think that is what I am seeing at this point. I am also affected by the change, but there is only so much I can do, or perhaps, even should do. I think it will be a lot of using my ears and eyes and sitting back and waiting. That is also not in my nature to sit back, but learning to do so will be another important lesson for me. In many ways it is analogous to the pebble dropped in the pond and the concentric circles that emanate from that initial circle. As I often remind people, we do not live in a vacuum. As much as it might be easier, there is no such possibility. I am also reminded of something I used to tell people when I did pre-marital counseling when I was a parish pastor. I would take these starry-eyed couples that being married would be the most difficult and time-consuming job they would ever have. In my smart-ass so of way, I would also ask them how she knew that this was whose underwear she wanted to pick up for the rest of her life? Or how did he know that she was the person he would love regardless of what she asked or how she might change? Almost without exception, they would stare back with wrinkled noses and say that I was not being very romantic. So much of life is not romantic. That is reality. I have written about my father and his wisdom many times. This is another example of that wisdom. He said that each person in a marriage needs to be willing to give 150%. He went on to explain that sometimes one of the individuals cannot give what he or she needs and the other needs to pick up the slack. Yet, if the same person always picks up the slack, there will be problems. After my divorce from Susan, he noted that we had not worked together well as a couple. At first I was a bit irritated at that comment, but when I pondered and analyzed, he was absolutely correct.

Well, what I have been reminded of this summer is, as noted, there seems to be very little that is constant. And yet, in spite of the changes, there are things that connect all the changes. There is a connecting thread if you will that connects us to our past. It is those connecting points,if you will, that help us understand who we are and what truly matters to us. It is interesting to me that I am still figuring that out. I am blessed that a couple people have really pushed me to become more introspective and search myself and figure out what I need to do to better care for myself. Again being pushed from a number of directions to do so has been a pretty strong impetus, but I am grateful for yet another learning moment. Merely having the opportunity is a gift. The other day I was over at the Decker’s house and I got to catch up with Grace a bit more. She was in a playful mood and so enjoyable to be around. Bantering with her was really a fun time. She is almost 16, and an entirely normal 16 year old in some aspects. She is much smarter than she believes and she is also kinder and more approachable than she wants others to know, but that is part of her figuring out who she is. I am sure glad I do not have to go back to those times in my life.

Another change was I got the courage to speak with someone I have considered speaking to for at least three years. I have to give Melissa some credit for that. She pushed me more than she might realize, but it was a gentle and caring push and it was what I needed. So the consequence was an enjoyable afternoon. Well, I could write paragraphs yet, but there is a certain point now where that would be procrastination because I have work to do. Time to get to it. Syllabi need to be changed; BOLT courses need to be changed; my life continues to change. Later this week I will be traveling and I will try to blog from that location. Another place: another change.

Thanks for reading.

Michael