Wishing or Needing?

Hello from Millworks Coffee Shop,

I am in the Quad Cities on the Iowa/Illinois border both to visit family for Thanksgiving as well as complete a major piece of collecting and managing what has been a fragmented first year of retirement. A moment in a coffee shop brings back so many memories from writing a dissertation in Stillwater, MN or Eau Claire, WI; from meeting students for office hours in the Andruss Library to collecting demitasse cups throughout Europe. I cannot even estimate how much money I have spent over the years or decades. Starbucks has been a place students would become surrogate sons or daughters from those office hours, and now I have officiated weddings for them. I have seemed to accumulate quite a family over the past 15 years (and actually more than that). Much of my existence, regardless the location or specific place of business, there is seldom a time it is not related to a student experience or the specific person.

What does it mean to be a student? This easy to say they are learners; they are often in classrooms; they are in an intentional situations. I can look back at my own classrooms at Riverview Elementary School, be it in Mrs. (as referred to then) Yeaman’s third grade class or Mrs. Hagen’s 5th grade class, the picture of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln on each side of the clock that was above the blackboard, the desks, which had opening tops, in straight lines, and the teacher’s deck in the middle front of the room. The enormous windows in each room and the hanging fluorescent lights in long rows. Perhaps there was a fish tank or some other terrarium along the shelves at the back of the room. Each room and the hallways might have two colors of industrialized paint, but there was little chance for anything outlandish. And we had our assigned seats, and we hoped and prayed we sat by someone we liked. The move to junior high was something different for me as I attended a Jr/Sr high school that had 7-12 grades in the same building. That is an incredible disparity in terms of age, maturity, and size, and being one of the smallest set me up for some significant teasing. Seventh graders were initiated, much like freshmen in college, and I somehow got initiated for three years instead of one. I did not weight 100 pounds until late in my 11th grade year. And yet, for the most part I remember student life with a fondness, not because I was an outstanding student, but rather because I found learning enjoyable and being around other people was generally a positive experience.

I do not believe I have ever reached my potential as a student. Perhaps a shocking statement for someone who has been in higher education and a student the great majority of his life. And yet, as I spoke with someone I admire a lot, they noted we are always a student, we are always learning. I told someone this week, someone I have know from when I was first a tenure-track professor, I evolved, becoming so much better at how I conducted, managed, and/or engaged with my classes or students now than I was when I first arrived in Menomonie. And again, a student I had that first year in Wisconsin told me if it weren’t for me, they would not have ever graduated. They have a Masters I believe, and they are an astounding parent. Much of my being a student these last years was in being willing to learn how to be more effective and efficient in what I did to prepare my students for life beyond my classroom. I remember when I came to Bloomsburg I spoke with my colleagues about the importance of integrating technology and writing. My work with the renowned Drs. Cynthia Selfe and the late Gail Hawisher were significant, but understanding composition theory and learning from the brilliance of Drs. Elizabeth Flynn, Diana George, or Marilyn Cooper as well as realizing the complexity of rhetorical theory and communication from the unparalleled intelligence of Dr. Patricia Sotirin or Dale Sullivan, the appreciation for language from another profound scholar in Dr. Victoria Bergvall still resonate in all I do. I am still realizing how I sat in the presence of incredible brilliance. And yet they were normal people who gave to their students selflessly.

Wishing for something versus needing, it is an interesting dichotomy. I believe that most healthy humans wish to make a difference. I believe it is fundamental to who we are that we hope and wish that what we do somehow makes a difference, has a positive consequence for the other. It is something quite different to need that, and yet, I believe that there is at least some degree of that also for us. Wishing points outward, I believe, whereas needing points inward. Too often, if we think of the inward direction, we automatically have been conditioned to believe it is selfish. Whereas wishing, if I’m correct, is an outward direction, we’ve been conditioned to believe that is generosity. The tug-of-war, the pushing and pulling in the opposite direction, often cause us to question what is appropriate? Is it possible to be both generous and self-serving simultaneously? Are the two things diametrically opposed? I’m reminded of the admonishment I received from my cousin, Jim, at a particularly difficult time in my life. We were standing face-to-face in their kitchen, and gently placing his hands on my shoulders, he looked me straight in the eyes. He said, quite emphatically, “You need to learn to think about Michael first. If you do not take care of you, no one will.” It was as much the tone in his voice, as what he said. His tone was both strict and imploring. He knew me well. I struggled to set boundaries often at my own expense. It is a difficult thing to ask for what we need, particularly when we’ve been taught there is a price for everything.

When is wishing merely idealism versus a reasonable expectation? I am not sure I have that figured out yet. As I have watched my life unfold this past year, there have been more lessons than I have fingers and toes. Maybe even more than both you, the reader, and I have cumulatively. I think to some degree unexpected lessons are almost always painful to some extent. Yet, at the same time, they offer possibility, an occasion, for learning and growth. I’m back to being a student, to being a learner. There are the small daily lessons, which I happen in our routine life. Sometimes they are overlooked. Then there are the other lessons that seem more paramount because they so influence our process, our understanding of our world, and how we understand ourselves, our abilities or limitations.

I was blessed to spend time with my great-niece, Rachael, as well as her mother, my niece, Jennifer today. Rachael is a Doctor of Chiropractic, but as important as her professional acumen is the amazing young woman she is. Our trip to the coffee shop this morning was beyond enjoyable. She is intuitive, thoughtful, and demonstrates a profound goodness. In her late 20s now, she has become such a complete wonderful person. She and her mother are really so similar. Jennifer, the second eldest of my nieces and nephews, is also incredibly thoughtful, intuitive, and personable. She never stops amazing me by her skills. She can cut your hair, side your house or drywall your kitchen; she can also help you with computer programming or figure out supply chain needs. And all those things are literal. They are both precisely what you hope and wish for your next generations.

Spending time this holiday season with family is something I both wish for and need. I love seeing how my family has grown and become such wonderful people, but it is also something I need. I think this is even more the case as I have aged. Holidays are a combination of wishing and needing for me. It is always wished that the connections and love of family might be deepened. It is something needed by me to add memories, creating a greater understanding of family. Tonight I had a great conversation with Jennifer and John. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and another opportunity for memories. I wish each of you and you both wish and need this holiday season.

Thanks for reading, and blessed Thanksgiving to each of you.

Michael