Hello from my office on an early Friday afternoon,
I have been answering emails, grading, managing course content, meeting with students, trying to help student even find their way around a building, and the list could go on. Sometimes, I am a bit stunned by the questions and responses; sometimes, I try to remember what I was like in my late teens, but it was a different time and I was already in the Marine Corps; sometimes, I try to figure out what is the best way to assist them when it seems the world seems completely transformed from the world I remember at that time. And yet is it different? Were we different? Did I seem to struggle with daily expectations as much as I sometimes think my students do? If I am to be honest in my response, perhaps I have a misguided understanding of the world in which I grew up. It is possible that I see myself differently than the person I was? Maybe I have turned into the curmudgeonly Norman Thayer, the retired professor so brilliantly acted by Henry Fonda, in the movie, On Golden Pond.What I do believe is the great majority of my students are good people. Some of a bit underprepared for the expectations that becoming a scholar means, and I am idealistic enough to believe that the feminist poet, Adrienne Rich was correct in her assessment of what happens when someone chooses to join a scholarly community (e.g. go to college). As I speak with my colleagues, and not just on my campus, but former colleagues now located in WI, MI, UT, or MO to name a couple places, I hear similar stories. What have we created in our academy? What are the expectations of our students, our parents, our administrators, or legislators, those businesses will hire our students? What I am quite sure of at this point is those expectations do not match up. The reasons for that are legion, and the consequences are multiplicitous. That is at the forefront of my thought as my day has continued, but there is something I would rather focus on.
Last night, as a loyal Iowa Hawkeye fan, I watch the majority of the Iowa/Michigan Women’s Basketball game (I missed the last part because I was working with a student group on Facetime). It was the first game I actually watched, the great majority I have listened to on the radio. It was (as I am sure most know) a momentous game where Caitlin Clark, the basketball phenom who is barely 22 years old, broke the NCAA Women’s scoring record of Kelsey Plum and then went on to beat her own record and the Iowa single game scoring record of Megan Gustafson and the Carver-Hawkeye Area record that occurred only a week ago by Hannah Stuelke. It seems there is little she will not accomplish before the end of this current year. And yet, in spite of some swag at times, she seems incredibly gracious. Her love for her family, her coach, and her teammates is undeniable. Watching her meet and hug her parents and brothers, watching her wipe away tears as the video played following the game, which began with her family speaking to her, I found I had a lump in my own throat. Beyond the logo-3s, the incredible vision on the court, and her ability to dish off to everyone on the court, what has amazed me most is her willingness to credit those around her. And at 22 to have such a presence in the midst of such scrutiny. That is graciousness. Graciousness is something that is not taught it is something that comes from the depths of a person’s being.
I do believe it can be developed, but it needs to be there from the outset. It is one of those things I believe has served me more than any other aspect of my being. Somewhere in my DNA I was blessed to have a somewhat innate kindness, a graciousness that makes me fundamentally grateful for what I have, for what I’ve been given, or for what I have. I do believe there were those who helped me develop those things (a incredibly loving grandmother, a profoundly wise father, a loving and steady great-aunt, the elder sister of my grandmother, and surrogate parents who were there for me when I struggled). What does it mean to be gracious? For me, it means choosing kindness over harshness, but it also means being truthful when it is not easy to do so. I am reminded of my Old Testament professor, Frederick Gaiser, who received his Doctoral degree at the University of Heidelberg. He noted one day in class, “Honesty without love is brutality.” I remember writing that down immediately, and it has never left me. He would also begin each morning with a prayer, one of the prayers in the Lutheran Book of Worship at the time. He had a kindness and yet a rigor, a graciousness and yet a gentle sternness that ran parallel to each other. Being around gracious people begets graciousness; being kind for not other reason than being kind begets kindness. Kindness for the sake of being kind puts one in control of their surroundings and provides a basis for optimism, even in the face of difficulty.
One of the things living with a disease that has no cure has taught me is that every day is a gift, something that is never promised, something that offers possibilities undeserved. As I find myself looking back over the decades, it is now easy for me to see those times where I was blessed unexpectedly, where I was gifted without doing anything to warrant such a benefit, where I was fortunate to be in a circumstance that occurred without any doing of my own. The only thing I can see looking back is I was showered with a goodness for which I can only be grateful. One of the things I realize more and more is from the moment I was born (as an incredibly premature baby to a extremely young mother) is somehow I was given a chance. The picture above is of that mother. She is 15 in this picture and it was months before I was born. I found this picture doing some research only a couple of weeks ago. It is the first time I ever saw a picture of my mother as a young person. I met her for the first time (at least that I remember) when I was 23. I saw her again when I was 44. I never saw or spoke to her again after that. That was a difficult thing, but it was a painful reminder that there are few promises in life. Now, much like with my adopted mother, I realize she had her life turned upside-down early. It is much better to be gracious and understanding of all she must have tried to manage. When I take the time to see a bigger picture, kindness toward her is appropriate because of the simple fact she chose to have me. I realize it was a different time, and perhaps access to options was very different, but I am here. There is so much I wish I knew, but at this point most everything I know was couched in what would you tell a child? – and by the time I would have asked more pointed questions, the people I trusted to tell me the truth had passed.
As I aged, and through time, my general response in most situations has been to question, to analyze, and to imagine, while most always attempting to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I have worked diligently to believe people deserve kindness, and if one is offered hope or a willingness to accept them, trusting in their goodness, the result will be positive. I do remember once telling someone I believed all people were fundamentally good, but they were testing my theory. The look on their face was priceless. My propensity for believing from the outset has been ill-fated a few times, but seldom have I regretted that general practice. The one place it has been a problem is (or was) when my belief or trust was in offering one specific assistance. Let’s just say, the manager of my branch bank gave me a lecture and told me, she did not want to see me write anymore checks that loaned money. I would have been well served to learn that sooner than I did. I do, even now, perhaps with one exception, believe most intend to do as they promise, but they cannot manage their lives effectively enough to dig their way out.
If there is one thing I wish I had learned earlier in life, it would have been how to be more economically sound. I might have retired sooner. And still, I have been fortunate to be able to learn over time. I do believe in the power of experience and the willingness of others to help if we will only ask and listen. I am continually amazed by the opportunities we are presented, and too often fail to realize they are there in front of us. I believe we miss them because we fail to believe in the goodness of the other. When offered, too often we mistrust; we look for an ulterior motive, convinced no one can be gracious simple because it is the good thing to do. Lydia used to scold me regularly telling me I was too nice. When I responded, “There is no such thing.” She would shoot back in her Austrian accent, “That is BS.” I told my optimism was brought to balance her cynicism. Her response was the same as noted. The reasons for my willingness to believe in the possibility of goodness are deep seated, and I know from where they originate. While that optimism has cost me from time to time, I believe with every ounce of my being, in the long run, I am a better person for it. My life has been more successful as a consequence, and my daily experience is more joyous. Gratitude has served me well, and I believe it will continue to do so. I have used this before as a video, but this version of John Lennon’s incredible song gives me hope.
Thanks for reading as always.
Dr. Martin
thewritingprofessor55 
Dr. Martin,
This was an extremely poignant blog post. The way you reflected on yourself as a young adult and put yourself in your students’ shoes now, was inspiring and very important. One thing that stood out to me the most was the quote “Honesty without love is brutality.” This really hit me. I feel that too often, I am either too honest, or not honest enough with the people I interact with, and both can be damaging in their own way. This quote reminded me that no matter how honest (or not honest) I am, as long as I am still expressing love and kindness, all will be ok. I also appreciated the anecdote about how we are not guaranteed anything, and how every day is a gift. This is something I remind myself of often. Whenever something good or bad happens, I try and remind myself to step back and be grateful for the experience, while finding a way to learn from it. Too often we lose people close to us, and are reminded how short life is, and I find it important to make that more of a constant reminder, not only something I remember when going through hard times. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, and I am sure anyone who reads this post will be reminded to spread joy, and cherish each day as if it is your last, because it just might be.
Dr. Martin,
Before I begin a formal response to this blog, I want to explain why I chose “Living Graciously”. This is the newest post, but that is not why it interests me. First, the picture of your mother grabs my attention. Also, the video of Pentatonix singing “Imagine” by John Lennon draws me in. I think of what living graciously means to me, especially in terms of what actions make someone gracious.
I like that you reflect on the past and now. How are things different or how have you changed from when you were young? Is there truly a difference between then and now? I recognize that there are some distinct similarities and differences. Wars still persist today as they did then. I compare the Israel and Palestine conflict to wars of the past, whether that be the World Wars or the Cold War. Technology is more developed now than it was then. People are now debating AI, especially with the creation of realistic videos and art. The fact that this is possible is amazing and terrifying. What does this mean for the future? People will lose jobs, or their jobs may be more difficult (e.g. law enforcement) with these recent developments.
I agree that a lot of people (including your students) are good people. I interact with various individuals daily, and I get the impression that they are good. Unfortunately, there are people who are not good; they are greedy, rude, or entitled and do not think about the lives of other people. You, and the professors you mention, are trying your best to create scholars. You create an impact on students, but how they apply themselves afterwards (with the knowledge and skills you helped them developed) is out of your control.
Although I am not a fan of sports, I like that you connect graciousness to an athlete. Although she (Caitlin Clark) has worked incredibly hard to accomplish such records, she credits the people around her. I agree that this is a part of graciousness. The people around you shape who you are, and they are also some of your biggest supporters. I know that I would not be where I am today if I did not have the support of my family, friends, and teachers.
I love your debate graciousness being developed, especially with love and honesty as key factors in its development. I think both factors are required to be gracious, but I recognize that too much honesty can be harsh. I try to be kind and see in the good in people, and I hope they do the same for me; however, my friends have told me I am brutally honest. They have not said this is necessarily bad, but something they like about me. I do believe they like this about me because I recognize whether my honesty is too harsh or not.
I remember reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom in high school, and I connect to you having a disease without a cure yet. Knowing that your disease could take your life unexpectedly makes you think about how you lived in the past and how you are living now. I like how you bring up the photo of your biological mother, and I am sure you think about her quite often. Do you wish that you met with her more? Instead, are you more grateful for a life with your adoptive parents?
I am similar to you in that I believe everyone deserves kindness and that people will be kind. I relate this to philosophy, in which people seek out pleasure and avoid pain. By spreading kindness, kindness will be received from others; however, if you are harsh and hurt others, you may expect to receive similar treatment. Being too kind or failing to recognize the bad in other people can lead to negative results though.
I hope to be economically sound, especially with the rising cost of living today. Despite this, I agree that knowledge attained from struggling is important. Being kind does make you a better person, and satisfaction is felt knowing this. I love that you include the video of Pentatonix singing “Imagine’ by John Lennon; this reminds of me when I read “The Things They Carried” by Tim O’Brien in high school. The class listened and analyzed the song, connecting it to the Vietnam War. I like that when they flip the signs in the video, they are sharing their identity. By sharing the video, they demonstrate how a diverse group of people can work together to create something beautiful. Today, many people would benefit from learning this lesson.
Mackenzie Baker
Your concept of graciousness in this blog post resonates profoundly with my perspective. The assertion that graciousness is an interpersonal quality, rather than a learned behavior, underscores a fundamental truth about human nature. I have long maintained that certain virtues, such as graciousness, are not merely acquired through instruction but are cultivated through individual experiences and maturation processes. The thought-provoking questions mentioned served as a compelling narrative device, captivating the reader’s attention and guiding them deeper. Indeed, the educational landscape has undergone significant transformations over time, marked by shifting approaches and institutional policies. Historically, educational institutions maintained strict protocols and rigorous grading standards, indicative of a tightly controlled academic environment. However, the evolution of educational practices has witnessed a gradual decline in these traditional structures, more notably because of the COVID-19 pandemic. The rapid transition to online learning modalities engendered a palpable shift in academic expectations, precipitating a perceptible decline in scholastic rigor and institutional standards.
Dr. Martin,
This blog post is on that caught my eye because of the word “graciously”. Graciously is a word that I would have never thought of using but this blog post describes the meaning of the word perfectly, having the patience to be Gracious with people is something I envy. I am a patient person to an extent and it is to my fault I get mad when I should just have more patience, but then I remember how young I am and how much time I have left to flip that switch. When reading your blog post at the beginning when you were talking about how you grew up in a different time, I can’t even imagine trying to teach us younger kids and us not understanding what you are trying to get out of us. We did grow up in different times and sometimes that generational gap causes problems but I feel like you are working so well with us that it helps. I believe there is goodness in every one of us and it is up to us to show it or not. Everyone can either choose to be happy and kind to others or choose to be a grump, life is all about choices and sometimes we make the wrong one and fail but we can choose to get back out there and be better for the future. Having the strength to be gracious in this crazy world is something that I strive to have and reading this blog gave me hope that I can choose that path.
Dr. Martin,
After the last blog post where we bonded over the sad loss of our loved ones, this was a nice change. I think was caught my attention for this post was the beautiful picture of your mother; after reading your post and learning how young she was, it is difficult to fathom the lives you both had. She grew up too quickly after having you and you with your illness. What I enjoyed most about this post was how hopeful your reflections were. You were very optimistic about your future and almost longingly reminiscing of your past.
As many of my other classmates commented on how difficult it is to be kind and generous, I concur. Humanity is not known for its kindness and often times can be thought more of a selfish species. Your thoughts on choosing goodness over self-obsession is exactly what I have been trying to do since the new year started. My roommates often joke with me that I am “too kind” to strangers and see the good in others rather than the bad. It warms my heart that they think that because I do not see that in myself. For quite some time I have been struggling with large amounts of self doubt that, at times, turns into self-loathing. As sad as it sounds, I have trying to better myself in a healthy way. I have started to do one good deed a week. Often times it end up being picking up a student who needs a ride to lower campus after the shuttle stops running or, because I work at Starbucks, giving someone a free cookie or croissant. It is difficult to do more than that seeing as I am an overworked student trying their best but for some people, it is enough.
If more people could try to do one good deed a day, we might be able to save humanity for itself before we destroy our world.
Dr. Martin,
Kindness is a trait that is learned, I was lucky enough to grow up in a family that always said “do onto others as you would like them to do to you”. If there was any chance to donate or do community services events in my area my mom would always take me and my friends. I also strongly believe that no one is born hateful. By nature, people are inherently good. People are taught hate whether it be subconcious or concious, hate is learned. When a person is born they know nothing, they have no knowledge of the world we live it, the community in which a child is raised and socialized makes an impact. Babies are earths purest form of humanity.
At a time where there is so much prejudice and tensions are high in the political world, it is more important than ever to be kind. Whether it be waving hello to someone across the way or stopping to do a favor for someone in need, a little kindness goes a long way. Although our world will never be perfect, I have faith it will slowly but surely become a world that is kinder.
Dr. Martin,
As I read this post, I was once again touched by your perspective on life and the human experience. I think this post speaks directly to those who have been impacted by graciousness or live that lifestyle themselves. Personally, kindness, and subsequently, graciousness, are concepts that I have been fortunate enough to have experienced from other many times in my life. This not only shaped my perspective on life and influenced how I now act, but it is a huge part of the reason I am still here – both broadly, as a human on this planet, and more specifically, enrolled in college.
As someone who also lives with chronic conditions, I have struggled a lot with the daily expectations that you discuss in this article. That said, I am not blind to them, and work to the best of my ability to succeed. Something I have learned during my college experience, is that if I get weighed down with negative thoughts surrounding my struggles, I won’t make it – not in school, or in life. This realization taught me to reframe my mindset into one of positivity and productivity. Still, it’s not perfect, but it’s better. That said, I would not have come to this realization, nor been able to work on myself without the grace and kindness expressed to me by my peers, teachers, and mentors, during some of my worst times.
Recently, I had a chat with a professor of mine, who has been as much as an influence in my life as I believe (through my reading) Lydia was for you. We were discussing the recent shift in my life which has led me to reconnect with a lot of my passions from a new perspective of positivity, celebration, and perseverance. This perspective is a stark contrast to how I felt during the first part of my college career when my conditions were affecting me the most, and much was still being diagnosed. During this conversation, I had a moment of realization where it dawned on me just how impactful the way she treated me was during that period of time. She gave me countless opportunities to succeed, and when I inevitably failed here and there, she never looked down on me or treated me less intelligent or capable. Her treatment of me helped be eventually come to the understanding that I am human. I will fail, but I will also succeed. That reality also isn’t limited to me, but rather is true of all other humans. Understanding that, is what has ultimately helped my train my own inherent kindness to extended an overall level of graciousness to all humans I interact with. That was easily the most profound lesson I’ve learned in my life, and to see that reflected back in your blog was a good reminder of the people we should strive to be.
Kalie Peterson
Dr. Martin,
I agree with what you said about “being around gracious people begets graciousness”. If you surround yourself and make friends with people who are kind-hearted, you yourself with will act more kind to others and others will treat you more kindly. I think all people are fundamentally neither good or bad. When you are born and a baby you are nothing. You don’t know what’s going and you don’t know the concept of morals or good or bad yet. I think people become good or bad, but not because of how they were raised or their living conditions. People choose if they want to be good or bad. In some cases people do need to be introduced to other ways of thinking, morals, and living to make this decision.
I wouldn’t say I am economically sound or spend my money on the best things, but I do try to save my money for retirement. I’m lucky my mom helped me with setting up a Roth IRA as soon as I turned 18 so I can put money in it while I still have low paying jobs. I do still need to get a credit card and build my credit score so I can do various things in the future.
Grace D’Agostino
I believe that for this blog post, the purpose of it is to discuss the origins of graciousness and the underpreparedness that current college students are for school and their lives after. I have never heard of the Iowa Hawkeye’s Basketball team, but it sounds like they did a good job. It always impresses me when people are both college students and then also successful athletes. Hearing the story of you only ever meeting your birth mother twice is something that I can’t ever imagine having to go through, but it is beautiful that you had an adoptive mother who loved and cared for you. Having questions about your childhood I think is one of the most difficult things because I feel as though we have so many things to say and we want to know so many things, but in some cases, there aren’t any answers that we can be given to ease this part of us. I think that kindness is a good trait to have and a good thing to look for in others as in most cases this can determine everything in life. Being able to handle difficult situations while being kind is so important in order to enjoy the life that you have. Whether people are inherently good people is a topic of discussion that needs to happen more frequently than it does. I believe that the target audience for this piece is potentially college students or people who have gone through similar things as the author has. I think this discussion could also be directed toward others who have gone through the adoption process and have felt or feel the same way that you do about everything. About having questions and wanting answers. Thank you for sharing!
Dr. Martin,
I want to expand on your professor’s quote “honesty without love is brutality”. I don’t know why but that is sticking with me. I could say that I absolutely understand that and take it how it is. If you are not careful in your honesty, you end up being brutal. Sharing things that may not need sharing. I’d like to add a counterpoint, you can be honest without love and not have brutality. I can be honest to someone without love and not be brutal to them. Maybe I don’t understand the quote as much as I should but I guess an example would be being honest to someone who killed your dog. There is hatred in your heart for this person, if you tell them they are a horrible person you’re honest. I don’t consider that brutal. Also, you mention maturity often in this post and I want to make a point that maturity, while it comes with life, comes with consequences. Gone are the days where all I had to worry about was what was for dinner. With maturity comes whatever happens in life some good some bad, and while right now things may be bad, later it could get better. I try to stay optimistic but sometimes it’s difficult. Once again I feel like I am just rambling on but these are my thoughts.
To be honest, I very much dislike today’s society and how human beings have evolved almost too much to the point where it is damaging our world in several ways. My father constantly makes comments to my little brother and I about how he grew up and how kids nowadays are unable to do the things he and his friends used to do at our age. He tells us about staying outside all day riding around the neighborhoods on their bikes, going to arcades and malls without worry, and making it back home before dinner or their parents would scold them. Unfortunately in today’s world people, especially children and teens, have to be cautious of mass shootings, violence, crime, kidnappings, rapists, murderers, drug dealers and getting involved with drugs and other bad things that are out of our control and can happen at anytime, in any place. Because of this, our youth has become so dependent on technology to communicate with others and have fun. People are getting lazier by the minute which is causing a decline in intelligence.
As an American young adult, I have to speak on how our school systems, whether that be K-12 and post secondary, are awful in my opinion. Recently, I saw a video of Polish exchange students discussing what is was like experiencing the American school system first-hand and they only had negatives to say about the academic part. I agree with them when they stated that the use of standardized testing and multiple choice assignments stunts potential growth and can prevent students from actually learning and understanding the materials they are being tested on. All they have to do is just memorize the answer and get the question correct and that is all they care about. Many American children and teens could care less to learn about the how or why something is correct or is the way it is.
A benefit that modern society has is that it allowed the medical field to evolve immensely. I too have a disease, related to my blood, that has no cure at this point in time. My brother and I both have this rare condition and are part of a case study to conduct further research so maybe one day doctors will develop a cure or treatment. I am glad that there are preexisting medications that help with symptoms to make life a bit easier but still we struggle everyday living with this condition. We try not to let it stand in our way but we do have limitations as to what we can and can’t do throughout our lives.
Overall I hope to keep living my life to the fullest and giving my all when it comes to academics. I will teach my future children not to be lazy and to have proper morals so they are able to thrive in this constantly evolving world.
When reading your blog, I was able to relate to some parts. One being how you analyze people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I am the same way and I have always been very aware of others and my surroundings. I make sure to not leave anyone out and I am always aware if someone looks upset or uncomfortable.
I give people the benefit of the doubt because I hate assuming the worst. I know I am not the only one that has stressful things going on in my life. I like to give people benefit of the doubt because I never know what others are going through and it would not be right of me to judge anyone. Everyone has their good and bad days. Thank you for this blog!
The author discusses how he is a professor who has been grading, doing stuff for the class, and meeting with students. He reflects on his time as a student and how it may not be accurate. He then talks about how he caught a women’s basketball game and how one of the players kept breaking records at only 22 and how she is gracious about it and he thinks that quality can be learned. He then discusses what graciousness is and how he has had many people in his life who helped him develop his graciousness. He discusses how being gracious is a good thing and brings positivity. He then talks about how every day is a gift especially for him as he was a premature baby. He goes into how as he grew up he believed in the goodness of people unless he was given a reason not to believe. He talks about the power of experience and how others will help if you ask. He then discusses that the basketball player is an inspiration and how being gracious and having gratitude brings a better life.
The purpose of this blog post is to show how being gracious is a good thing. We need more of it in the world. There are many things to be gracious about and that people need to appreciate it more. If people appreciate it more their lives would be better and more positive. Gratitude is important as it just brings general positivity and makes people feel like they did something good for someone else.
I think that this was addressed to anyone who is or knows someone who is having a bad day or a bad week. As someone who is having a bad week, feeling appreciated for the work that I have been doing makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something good and makes me more positive which allows me to pass the positivity along to others spreading the positivity like a wildfire until everyone feels good. I feel like this world needs more positivity as all we see is negativity and rarely anything positive. I feel like if we have more positivity shown, more people in the world will be more positive and the world will be a better place. Showing gratitude to others shows that you do know what they are doing to help even though they might be extremely busy or stressed or going through their problems and that you are praising them for it which also makes them feel like they are doing something beneficial
Hi Martin,
I think you were very kind when you were trying to put yourself in your student’s shoes. Being at a new school and trying to figure out how to get around can be very difficult. I should know I attended two different universities and it was terrifying to make sure I was on time and trying to meet the new people in my classes. When I was a new student I would have aprriectied a professor trying to help me. Another thing you talked about that I agreed with is when you talked about how we sometimes miss the goodness of others. I think that most of us are so focused on things that are going on with our lives and once someone gets us upset then we do not give them a second chance. I know when someone says or does something and I do not agree with them it gives me a negative impression. I am sure this is not just me and I feel that is important to give them a second chance because they could be having a bad day and did not mean to say or do what they did. You know never know they could be nice and wind up your best friend.
Good Morning Dr. Martin,
I appreciated your part about putting yourself in a student’s shoes. I sometimes feel professors can be far removed from the experience of a student, especially after many years of teaching. Another added layer to that is that some gripes of the student experience have changed over time. Many of those are the changes to virtual modules for classes as opposed to all in-person classes and on-paper assignments as of ten years ago. It is helpful when a professor acknowledges a student’s frustrations. Kindness and humanity aren’t so easy to come across in this world I find. Witnessing compassion and empathy from a professor as a student is heartwarming when I do come across it. Thank you for sharing your experiences through your writing with us.