Hello at the end of Finals Week and Grading,
I remember finals weeks as a combination of merely wanting to finish and feeling exhausted while simultaneously seeing it as some sort of proving ground, wondering if I had done the requisite work over the past three months to demonstrate some sense of competency (which is often misinterpreted as average) with the material I had digested in that time period. I remember one semester when I had, unknowingly to the Registrar, attempted 23 credits. I went to two classes I had not signed up for because I wanted to return to my German; I needed to take Greek for Seminary, and I had signed up for a Latin class from another college because I believed it would be helpful. Having all three finals on the same day, however, was a bit much. I remember walking across the Dana campus and the carillons were ringing. All I could think was Hemingway: “For whom the bell tolls,” ran through my head because I was quite sure I had just received a serious butt-kicking. That finals week was at the end of my first semester sophomore year. With the exception of my final week of seminary or perhaps my comprehensives or dissertation defense, it was as stressful as any time I was working through my degrees. And yet, as I look back, I was where I was supposed to be at the time. Most often I did not realize the appropriateness of the time, but rather wondered what I was midst of.
Recently I wrote of changes in direction or path being much like the process of revising a paper, that time when we look at the global changes that are necessary to get something to really be effective, to work in an optimal manner. Revision is one of the most frightening things we can do, whether it be in a paper or something more substantive, like a major component of our lives. Often revisional requirements, actions that change our trajectory, are because of our own actions (or inaction). Sometimes those changes are foisted upon us because of the needs of others. Regardless the underlying cause, such revisional action is seldom done without a degree of trepidation, a particular level of anguish, or in a way that we consider it matter-of-fact. When I think of those events, those occasions when I have been required (or chosen) to make such a drastic move, there was never a time it happened without an emotional response; there was never a time that one of those emotions was not fear; and there was not a single instance where I had complete confidence I would be okay. And yet, here I am, and I am okay. It is very different to look back at some of those events, and perhaps, I find in spite of the trauma of some of those things, they needed to occur for something more positive to follow. I also realize that there is so much one can learn if only open to riding that process out.
When I consider the events in my life that were revisional, they started early. Early enough that I do not remember them . . . like being probably less than two and being moved to live with my Grandparents. The second revision was being adopted and being moved to the Martin household. As you can see, that one stuck because I still have that familial name. The next revision was something we all do, and that is graduate from high school, but my choice took me from Iowa to San Diego, CA for Marine Corps Boot Camp. The next years would be a continual revision of both place and identity, and by the time I got home, I had little idea who I was, but I knew I was not the same underweight, under-tall, under-emotionally mature, and there are a probably a couple more unders I could add that had left Sioux City some years before. The mid-1970s were not an easy time, and the number of things I did, learned, experienced created a dichotomy of sorts when I arrived in Blair, NE the fall of 1979. Belonging was not something I understood, and the reasons for that were legion, but hearing from a young age that I did not belong, feeling for most of my adolescent years that I was never big enough, good enough, popular enough was difficult. I was too small to play football, too short to play basketball, too weak to be a great wrestler, or too slow to be a great runner (although some of that would change later), too often it was what I was not rather than what I was.
It was when I arrived at Dana that I began to believe there were possibilities, and that I might belong. And yet, I was different there too. Now, because of a previous year’s visits as a member of an LYE team called Daybreak, I was known. I was older, and I played guitar, which was appreciated. It was really the first time I believed something beyond average was possible. My father’s words “anyone can be average” had been an indictment more than I knew, and for the first time, it seems I had an opportunity to do something better. And yet was I where I belonged? I was not completely convinced, and there was a moment (close to a year) I would transfer out and attend the University of Iowa because I convinced Dana, as a community, required more than I could give. The struggle to belong had overwhelmed me once again. Iowa was an important place for me because I was allowed to disappear and decide how I would manage life. Going from a school of 700 to over 22,000 was an incredible change, but it was a good one for this mid-20s student. I could blend in and focus on my school work. It was a time when I crammed more stuff in than ever before, but it worked. I was able to focus on both school and myself, and that was a new concept. It seemed I found where I belonged, at least at that time, in that moment. What gives someone a sense of belonging? To some degree it is about the persuasion of the place . . . it is about the daily routine and something seemingly mundane, and yet, it is often about something much deeper. It is about what nourishes one’s soul, one’s psyche, sustaining them in a consistent and wholesome way that a sense of comfort and peace prevails. This is when someone is where one belongs. And yet, I find myself questioning is it about place or about what one does? I think for me it has always been both. I am generally profoundly connected to place. It is why the rhetoric of place has always been of interest to me. It is because of my need to feel like I belong somewhere.
And now, revision is on the horizon again. For almost 15 years I have had the same zoip code. That is a record amount of time for me to be in one place. And Bloomsburg has been good for me and to me. I remember the conversation with my neighbors and dear friends, Tom and Elaine Lacksonen. Sitting in their living room, I cried as I thought about leaving Menomonie. They assured me that such a move might prove to be one of the best things that could happen. They were correct beyond my wildest imagination. Being afforded the opportunity to be at Bloomsburg (now Commonwealth) University has been one of the most profound personal and professional gifts I could ever hope to experience. As I noted in a recent Facebook post, from department colleagues to those in my college, including a Dean; from those on university committees to administrators; from incredible staff from custodians to food workers, from professional staff in advisement to Professional U or the Foundation, so many significant experiences have shaped the time here. And then there are the students, I have learned so much from them as well as been allowed to mentor, to educate, and share in their journeys. If it were not for them, I would have had no reason to come. And now with the integration, I have met wonderful students at Lock Haven and Mansfield. In the town, from coffee shops to restaurants, from small stores to bakeries, so many wonderful people have made my time here phenomenal. Working with doctors, caregivers, and others, I was provided an opportunity to use my own medical journey to get others to understand something difficult. Seldom does a day go by that there isn’t a moment that shouts out, you are where you belong. One of the things I am asked regularly is what will happen now. And while I have some short-term plans, and some long-term ideas, I have realized I am not a person to be pinned down.
That is related to the idea of place and belonging yet again. I sometime envy those who are homebodies, those content to stay in one place. My sandbox buddy as I call her, friends from the beginning of school is such a person. She has been content to live within a 10 mile radius for the great majority of her life. Even now as there are questions about the home she has lived in for probably forty years, she would never go far from where she is. Her sense of belonging to a place is strong. As I have noted recently, going home last summer did a lot to give me a sense of being from Sioux City once again. I did feel like I had come home. It was both surprising and gratifying. And yet, my desire to wander is integral to who I have become. I am not sure it is who I was because I never felt the need to go and find something growing up, whereas my sister was quite different. While I was not content in the sense of being pleased or happy where I was, I had no sense of why I would do something differently. Now the idea of the differance, yes, in the Saussure or Derrida understanding, is appealing to me. The willingness to see a word as subjected to what is around it for meaning works also when it comes to a sense of place. Belonging to a place is dependent both on one’s experience in the moment, but also as a collective of experience and memory. Perhaps that is why belonging is so subjective, so temporary. And yet, Bloomsburg has been so much more than temporary for me. It has been both the place that made a difference and gave me a home. It has been where I belonged. Thanks to each of you who have contributed to that belonging.
Thanks as always for reading,
Michael
thewritingprofessor55 
Dr. Martin,
I hope this response finds you well. I had a great time reading your blog about finals week and life’s revisional moments. It is bittersweet to think that your wonderful 15-year span in Bloomsburg is coming to an end. This also leaves an exciting door of possibilities open, and I hope you go somewhere that is very fulfilling.
I can relate to the stress and exhaustion of finals week that you talked about in this blog. I enjoyed reading about all of the significant moments in your life that brought you to where you are right now. After reading, I began to reflect on some of my revisional events in my life. I do not have nearly as many as you do, but I look forward to the journey of life and passing through those events as they come.
Your personal journey in life was thought-provoking. It really shows how these moments add onto one another and affect who we become. You showed your journey of belonging and its connection to place which was very well described. From feeling out of place in your adolescent years, to finding a new sense of who you were as you made your way to the University of Iowa and beyond.
As you stand on the brink of another change in your life, I wish you the best of luck with wherever you go. Your reflections in this blog caused me to consider my own revisional moments and the places and communities that have shaped them. Your story was very moving and I appreciate you sharing it.
Thank you for sharing your insights, and best wishes on your next chapter.
Brady,
Thank you for your thoughts and wishes. It is amazing to believe that I have been doing this for three decades. I was not a stellar high school student (I did well in my AP classes, but not so well in my everyday classwork). What I know now is I was capable, but undisciplined. There is so much to learn as we gain a bit of wisdom. I actually flunked out of college the first time I attended. It was going to Europe during a winter term that really changed my life and my understanding of education.
I appreciate your thoughts and I wish you a successful winter term in class.
Dr. Martin
Dr. Martin,
This blog post, which is very introspective for me to read, myself, speaks louder to a larger audience on belonging and self identity. I, myself, was born and raised in the same town (Danville, PA) all my life and have only ever lived in the same house, which was built by my dad. My family, themselves, are also from the same area. This is very different from your experience of always moving and never quite having a feeling of home (until recently you mentioned), but even though I haven’t moved around like yourself, I share similar feelings of angst to leave and travel and to find myself elsewhere. I feel like “home” has more to do with the people and your experiences than the physical location itself. Personally, I’ve never felt FULLY at home where I’m at, and I feel that it is due to my experiences growing up, particularly in school which were not the best times, as well as my different interests and inability to relate to a lot of others from this area.
I am having the same thoughts of “what’s next”, since I will be graduating in the spring and moving somewhere away from home for my first job. It is both stressful and exciting times to think about ahead.
Dr. Martin,
I had such a fun time reading about your previous and possible future experiences. I always enjoy being able to listen to and understand the journey that someone before me has taken in their life.
I see you wrestle with the idea of what it means to belong somewhere which I believe is something felt by most. The transition from revision through an educational lens to viewing life as a series of revisions is something that I had never considered before reading your thoughts. Everyone has revisional moments in their life, but we often do not take the time to be introspective enough to realize it. I like your unique voice that you have curated over the years, and I one day hope I am able to articulate my thoughts as clearly as you are able to.
Although I have only just become familiar with your blog, I have noticed the reflective tone that you carry in your writing. I think that it allows for readers like me to adapt that mindset and really immerse myself in the reading experience. It forces me to slow down and contemplate with you; it is a special skill to have as a writer.
I envy your desire to leave and not be a “homebody”. While I love traveling and exploring new places, I still cannot relate to your inability to be “pinned down” to one place. Perhaps this is because I am still so young and attached to what stability I know I have. I hope that one day I am able to understand the idea of belonging as well as you have expressed through your writing.
I wish you the best in your next journey as you say goodbye to Bloomsburg.
Thank you for your thoughts,
Lily Kachel
Lily,
Thank you for your response, and particularly for those reflections on how revision can be experienced or understood differently. I did not always think of some of those “growing lessons” as revision. Too often I saw them as mistakes and something to move on from. And yet, life is experience and learning. This never changes. I think a mistake is when you do something and it goes poorly, and then you do it again, and expect a different outcome. There is so much to experience and learn from. I appreciate your thoughts about the tone of my blog also. As I noted in my intro to the blog, if my reflections offer insight and help to another person, then it is doing what I hope it will.
Dr. Martin
Dr Martin,
I had an enjoyable time reading your future experiences and your past experiences. I enjoy reading about people’s experiences, especially when it’s experiences that happened before me.
While reading your experiences I see that you’re challenged with finding a place you belong and where you can fit in, I believe more people feel this than they would like to admit. Reading about your about moving in with your grandparents to then being adopted into your family is something that opened my eyes to a new perspective, coming from someone who wasn’t adopted and going through high school in two different states was something I am not familiar with.
Your blog was very insightful and relatable for me. I can relate to wanting to find a place and wanting to belong somewhere. Hearing your experiences was very informative and very inspiring.
Dr. Martin,
While reading your blog, I was intrigued by how so many people and events led you to this moment in time. There are some things that I can relate to while I was reading your blog, but other things I couldn’t. To hear your perspective about how you wanted to know if you belonged somewhere made me think about my life and if I am where I need to be.
Growing up, I was a happy, go-lucky kid who was thankful for everything that I had and I was loved by my family. My family has always been and always will be my biggest support system and I don’t know where I would be if they weren’t in my life. However, I feel like there are most things that I can’t talk to my family about because I feel like they wouldn’t understand where I’m coming from. During this past semester, I was really stressed out my one class and I tried to talk to my mom about it and I feel like she wasn’t really hearing what I was saying. That class made me question a lot of things, including if I really belonged at Bloomsburg and if my major was right for me.
Questioning my belonging isn’t as important or impactful as your life has been for you, but I can understand what it’s like to feel like you shouldn’t be there. Your blog was inspiring and I know that your story is one that can be appreciated by so many people. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Abigale Motto
Dr Martin,
It was very thought-provoking reading this blog about the struggles you faced in life and recanting your life as a whole. As we are currently only in the second week of the semester, I barely know you as a professor, and this class being an online asynchronous class makes that even harder. After reading this blog post I feel like I have a good idea of who you are and how you’ve gotten here.
Ever since I was maybe 15, I’ve had the idea in my head that everything happens for a reason. I’ve gone back and forth with myself many times over if I truly believed that or if it was simply a coping mechanism which would put my brain at ease in tough situations. I revised my final thoughts on that way of thinking and settled with the idea that every experience in life can be grown from. I believe that throughout my life, similar to your’s, I’ve had many ups and downs. Thankfully, because of my mindset, these helped me learn how to navigate life a lot more efficiently. Due to these ups and downs, I feel that I am a much better person because of that.
I believe that you have to choose to grow because of these ups and downs. You can go your whole life never learning from experiences, but these experiences are supposed to shape you as a person. When you spoke about how you weren’t very popular, or strong, or fast, these are traits that led to experiences, that subsequently helped shape who you are today. If you were say really fast, you may have had different experiences that would lead to you becoming a different person. I am very thankful for my past because of the lessons it taught me and it seems you are as well.
Cole Sharkey
Hello!
I would have to agree with you that staying busy helps everything to flow better with everything. Having things going on besides school helps to make sure that you are spending the right amount of time doing both. I would say that your audience for this piece would be other college students who may be dealing with the challenges of being in school and having other responsibilities that one must do. I feel as though your college years are the years that you learn how to multitask and balance life. The purpose of this blog post is to share your experiences through life while also finding where you fit into everything. Being able to figure out how to do everything while also balancing work, life, and relationships with others is a key part of being human. At first, finding a balance is difficult, but as you continue through life, you continue to get better with this skill. Thank you for sharing!
Hello!
When I read through this blog post, I was really interested in your ideas of revisions. We all go through parts of our lives where things change and transition; it gives me a sense of relief because it is scary but things are going to be different either way. I felt as if I didn’t belong many times in my life, that includes majority of my educational life like elementary, middle school, high school, and even college. I think I have finally accepted where I have belong in friend groups and people because it took time for me to adjust to people until I found the right ones. These people made me realize I don’t need everyone to like me, or I have to be in a certain group of people to be liked. I just had to love myself and enjoy the company of people who accepted me for who I am. I am grateful for these people, but there are times still where I doubt myself, but I have to remind myself I can’t change the person I am, but to improve!
Good Afternoon Dr. Martin,
I enjoyed reading about your past and future experiences. I find reading about other people’s experiences soothing and enjoyable, learning about another person’s life that they’ve chosen to share with others. I related a lot to you talking about finding it hard to find somewhere that was a fit for you. I feel this way often as well. This post was very insightful and I appreciate you sharing with us on your blog.