Hello from a quiet moment.
I am sitting in the loneliness of a quiet house at the moment and realizing how much I obsess on little things and how much I sometimes need to understand the why if something. I did not always comprehend my obsession with seemingly minuscule things, but I have been well aware of my ability or need to question things. I understand my questioning as a different issue than my liking order, but lately I see them as more of an extension of each other. Ironically, one of the things that has helped me manage either element of my daily existence has been through my teaching of freshman writing. That might seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. First, I need to thank my colleague in the College of Education,
It started with a conversation during our providing snacks and coffee during finals week, something our faculty union did for students. While attending this event with a colleague, one who ironically interviewed here the same day I did, a third colleague, who teaches Business Law courses, questioned me about issues of grammar. As one who is in his 60s, who diagrammed sentences in junior high and beyond, was corrected when he misspoke as a child (and all those things some who read this understand), and as noted is OCD, an interesting conversation ensued. While my immediate instinct was to lament the incessant tearing down of grammar rules near and dear, I realized the world was no longer the same. Additionally, one of my former linguistics colleagues professed adamantly that language is post-modern by its very dynamic nature. While this is a bit of a bitter pill for me to swallow, I have been somewhat swayed to fall into her camp. Language is the consequence of personality, culture, and education. All three of those components are more complex than you might imagine, and when you put them together the complications multiply. And yet there is an order; there is an expectation; and those are the things than mystify and excite me. Those are the things that create some of the most interesting expectations and experiences in my classes, particularly my Foundations of College Writing sections.
As I ponder my own personality or practice, my propensity for needing neatness and order began early in my life, before the age of two. I remember as a two year old trying to make my bed and get myself dressed. My Great-aunt told me about those events also, so it was not merely my two-year-old imagination attempting to alter reality. Throughout my life my desire to structure and order was implemented to create a sense of security. If you have read my blog over the years, my need to feel safe and secure is a central need. And yet, what offers security? What provides my inner-self the feeling of safety? Predictability is part of it, and feeling sure of what might happen next allowed no possibility of anything that seemed remotely calculable. Looking back, perhaps taking control of the minutiae was my initial attempt to feel safe. If I had even a modicum of order, of certainly, I could find a glimpse of hope that my life would make sense. These are difficult connections and realities for me yet today.
The last 24 hours most definitely are defined as unexpected. Plans made and revised with intention were scuttled by an unanticipated mechanical dilemma. However, in an attempt to maintain as much of a plan as possible, alternative plans have been secured. There are still things to manage, and there will be some consequences, but an very different experience and new things for me too. Perhaps what astounds me most is I have taken most of it in stride and did not get overwhelmed by such significant issues. I am quite sure that would not have been the case earlier in my life. And yet, there are things I see myself doing to keep some sense of structure and order to the present experience of organized chaos. It is helpful that Georg has been quite chill about all of it. I just told him thank you and his response is this is not the first time, so I may need to investigate. One of the things I have worked hard to put into practice is if I cannot control it, I cannot waste energy on it. I am much better at that now, thank goodness.
The past year has prompted me to ponder beyond the semester and realize the reality of living life beyond the working to live, which is what most of our life consists of. We get up; we have a routine; we go about our daily tasks as if they are thrust upon us and we are the victims of our daily existence. I do not think I have spent my life as such, but I think that is because I am always pondering the why. Why does this or that happen? More importantly, why does it matter? For me making sense of the non-sensical or perhaps it is more needing structure to manage the non-sensical has been my life’s task. And yet, more importantly it has allowed me to live my life as more of a giver. Indeed, for me, the line from the Prayer of St. Francis is what has sustained me more often than not. – hoc dando accipimus – it is giving, we receive. It is a simple adage to understand, but one difficult to establish or practice. My human selfishness gets in the way at times.
It also relates to the practice of forgiveness. Between my seminary studies and my life experiences, I’ve come to realize how powerful the gift of forgiveness is. It is something we need to provide each other regularly. It is something that is too often withheld because of our own weakness. It took me 25 years to forgive a person who caused incredible injury to others, myself included. However, I am still blessed that it finally occurred. That ability to give, even that long after the fact, released me from so much pain, resentment and anger. It changed my life. And it has changed my outlook on so much more. I still need my structure and my predictability. And yet through the freedom of forgiveness, be it given or received, I am able to understand the possibility of another avenue. I am able to compromise more freely and openly. It amazes me how both structure and freedom, seemingly oxymoronic, are to essential qualities for my happiness. As I ponder, I realize some of that initial structure or understanding of structure came from the very person I needed to survive. Ironic that even now as I sit in the quietness of the morning, in the afterglow of what Christmas has become all to often, I am content in the silence. I am blessed by a gift given that has given back so much more, and unexpectedly. In my piety, I am hoping that all who were once part of my human existence and have left this worldly life celebrate a holiday of the ultimate forgiveness and giving together.
I miss those memories and those experiences. In the meantime, I will ponder and organize, but I realize in that structure I do have security, safety, and possibilities. Blessed holidays to all of you. It is nice to post after so long.
Thanks for reading,
Michael
thewritingprofessor55 
Very nice Michael. Thanks for sharing. You are not by yourself in this writing. I know several people who are right there with you.
Happy New Year to each of you. Dona
Good evening, Michael.
I glanced through the titles of your blogs. This one is significant to me. My son has OCD also. His psychiatrist made the comment once that it is one of the worst cases he’s seen. Like you, he showed signs of it early. His first grade teacher told me during a PTA meeting that he was meticulous about the order of his desk. Small things over the years, the way he had to turn around three times when he was up to bat during Little League, the insistence of reading the same book over and over; even the tone of my voice had to be the same each time. Long story short, he has all but given up driving because it’s exhausting for him to have to park the car EXACTLY how it was parked previously. When he gets out of the car he goes through a litany of checking and rechecking. The poor guy is mentally exhausted. One time the psychiatrist asked him to name a few things that he does that are OCD. He replied “life.” His whole life is taken up by this disease. His short trip to hell, via heroin, was a cry for peace in his head. He had a wonderful doctor who realized this. The pandemic, as I’m sure you personally know, kicked the crap out of him. Routine was gone. The whole world was changing. Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure he would make it. So, I’m sympathetic to your plight.
I, too, think about forgiveness often. I don’t seem to have difficulty forgiving others. That doesn’t mean that I do it lightly. It’s sincere. It’s myself I have trouble forgiving.
You seem to come to terms with your struggles. It takes a while, doesn’t it? All we can do is do the best we can, continue to help others with their struggles, practice patience and kindness.
I’d prefer this not be a public comment if you don’t mind. Take care.
Vickie
Dr. Martin,
I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago. That diagnosis changed my life and the way I’ve come to understand myself. Naturally, the title of your blog caught my eye.
I, too, seek the control and security you speak of. I struggle to interface with uncertainty; I despise when someone says “It will all be fine” with the expectation that it will quell my concerns. How could they possibly know?! I’ve been in outpatient treatment for the condition for the last several months, uncovering and dissecting the obsessive rumination and anxieties I had previously assumed were present for everyone. It took me until my late 20’s to share the depths of my inner dialogue with someone I trusted. The clutter in my mind, sleepless nights, and uncertainty were weighing on me and it became apparent to me that something more complex than anxiety was at play. I was encouraged to seek help for OCD.
I had never truly considered OCD as a factor in the way I operate. While some of it is personality, I’m sure, I also grew up fearful that walking on one side of a tree would result in something catastrophic, and opposingly, that walking on the other side would keep me “safe”. I feared irrational consequences of my mundane actions, despite my own awareness of the lack of logic informing those very fears. To this day, I think about death constantly, trying to make sense of that which I cannot crack through with my overthinking. I’ve purged myself of all of my possessions because I can’t bear being in cluttered spaces. I have a spreadsheet listing every material possession I own. Some may find this to be unusual but it is the way I live. My OCD is the part of me that wants to be the very best version of myself that I can be. The consequences are “checking” everything ceaselessly, hearing the cacophony of thoughts so loudly in my mind that I can’t bear it at times, and yet my OCD also gives me the drive to be great at the things I commit to.
I cannot make certain that the world around me is as I perceive it, that things won’t suddenly become so unfamiliar that I can’t engage with it. It’s a strange push and pull in my mind. I am organized but go with the flow. I am creative but steady. I am moralistic, but outside the box. I follow the rules, but only when I truly agree with them.
Like you, I seek safety and stability. I seek to understand the “why” of every situation, perhaps so I may be more prepared when something goes awry. Why do things work the way they do in this society? Why do people behave the way they do? Why do I feel the way I do? It goes on and applies itself to the many layers of my life. How can I possibly function without knowing everything about a person’s intentions or a situation’s outcome? How can I be exceedingly knowledgable about a topic of interest if I don’t spend hours and days and weeks fixated on it?! How can I operate in such an inhumane world and ever find true safety when life is uncertain and unsteady? In fact, how does everyone around me function without structure or planning or asking the same questions!? Anything could change at any moment, anything could evolve so far beyond my comforts and that is a threat to my safety. “What if something bad happens?” is the worriers repetition, mine is “When WILL something bad happen?”
Learning to accept the chaos around us, as you speak to, isn’t always easy. It is hopeful to hear you’ve found yourself in moments, recognizing that you aren’t bothered to quite the extent that you used to be when things don’t go as planned or when the answer to some pesky inner question isn’t immediately made known. I am working on this skill. Somedays, I’m along for the ride and people around me perceive me as laid back and without worry. But the truth is, my mind is always twisting itself around ideas and worries and fears and concerns.
Dear Dr. Martin,
Although I do not have a particular need for strict order in my life; I can relate to the obsessiveness that is attributed to OCD. I have not been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I have an inkling that I may have a mild form of it. I have tended to jump from obsession to obsession throughout my life. This normally manifested in my flavor of the month when it comes to playing video games. Often I would play a single game for a month straight and then play it sparingly until the next bout of an obsession. Every once in a while this would occur in my physical sense. The two biggest examples I can think of are skateboarding and playing the guitar. I did both of these things for nearly a month straight and then never picked them up again. As I’ve grown, these episodes have happened less often. I now tend to be too busy or simply do not feel like playing games all day long. I think I may be finding my place and settling down so to speak. I can now understand that doing a couple of things all the time is a lot more fun than one thing for a short time.
Dear Dr. Martin,
It is so interesting, the many forms that OCD takes. I grew up with a mother who has always been a “clean freak.” A lot of people mistake that for OCD, which I can see why, especially how my mother reacts to the slightest mess. She has never been diagnosed, but she absolutely obsesses with cleaning and decorating. Growing up, I seemed to have picked up some of her traits. It’s very specific things. I have a friend who comes over and they place their bag in my room and I have to move it to a certain spot so it doesn’t look misplaced. They take the towel off of the towel bar to dry their hands after I have it neatly folded, and place it back on there, not even in a sloppy way, but not the way I had it. I wish I could say it didn’t drive me crazy. I mean, it is just a towel. It takes less than a minute to fold it the way I had it.
I also find safety in having an order to my life. I’m not a fan of spontaneity. I like to know what I’m going to do in the days to come. If something comes up that I’m not expecting, I usually won’t attend if invited. I’ve gotten much better with this, trying to put selfishness behind me. If I put myself in the mindset of “well even though you don’t want to do it, it would make someone else happy,” it makes it much easier to give in.
When you mentioned compromise, that really stood out to me. That is something I need to work on. My own need for security and safety causes me to be selfish at times. I fear so many things, and I think this is why. I don’t allow myself to feel uncomfortable or let unexpected things happen. This has caused me to miss out on so many things in life. It is definitely something I’d like to work on, but still fear.
I believe you have some great insight on the intersection between psychology and language, specifically when it comes to language usage at the individual level. Your point about language being a “consequence of personality, culture, and education” made me reflect on my own upbringing and how it may have affected my writing style. Frankly, I think you’re on to something.
Like you, Dr. Martin, I’ve got a strong desire for structure if not a degree of control over my life. This was likely from a tumultuous, traumatic childhood which instilled in me a great anxiety surrounding chaotic and unplanned things. I’ve worked diligently over the years to accept the randomness and fluidity of life, but that desire for order still remains. I think it’s only natural this would be reflected in my writing, since communication and language are impacted by psychology and vice versa.
We already know that the words we use affect our attitudes, beliefs, and outlooks. In turn, the language commonly used in society affects our values and beliefs (think of the “War on Drugs” or that doing very well at a task is “killing” it). I am unsure, however, if this also applies to other elements of language. Do some people, based primarily on personal psychological makeup and belief, have different mechanical and grammatical patterns in their language usage? This question is beyond my capabilities, but I think it’s worth investigating if it hasn’t been investigated yet.
In a way, I am also working toward walking a path of forgiveness like the one you had mentioned in your final paragraph. I have a long journey ahead of me, as my wounds are still fresh, but I know that it’s a journey I need to make if I’m to be a better, healthier person. On the psychological side of things, I will say that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy address those wounds, and the data proves how effective altering one’s thoughts can be at controlling one’s emotions (and, in turn, the very language we use).
You raise interesting questions regarding language, Dr. Martin. And the personal stories you tell give me pause, as it seems I may have more in common with you than I ever anticipated.
Dear Dr. Martin,
I never really understood the affects that’s OCD can have until i read your post. I always thought it was just people who liked order and things being perfect. I never thought it was an actually condition that people can suffer from.
Your post has helped widen my view on the world and become more understanding to the people around me. It’s has also showed my that being able to forgive people is a skill that more people need to learn. It’s not a good way to live your life if you can’t forgive anybody.
I feel your perspective of the world is – good one you like order and structure but understand that may not always be the case. This a a good outlook to have because if you only liked everything to be perfect you would come hate the world we live in.
I appreciate how candid you are with these blog posts. Most blogs I’ve seen are just pictures of food or “here is what I did today”. These blog posts almost read like short stories. They’re definitely long enough to be a short story anyway. I related with the need to have structure and a purpose to every day. Whenever there’s a change of plans, I associate it with a failing. I think, “I wasn’t good enough to carry out this plan, here’s another one.” Even if the plan was ruined by something as unchangeable as weather; I still feel as if I could’ve done better. I think it has something to do with society. We’re told from a young age to strive for 100% productivity, despite that number being impossible. Not even computers are 100% productive.
Dear Dr. Martin,
I was scrolling through your blog posts to see how your posts have evolved over time. I was drawn to this post by the caption as OCD is something I can relate too. Your reflection on the interplay between your obsession with little things, like making your bed, the need to understand the “why,” and your need for order resonated with me. Your insight into the continuous evolving nature of language and its connection to personality, culture, and education made me sit back and think for a little.
You seem like a person who reflects back on things on their life and I think that is a very good feature to have. Your reflection of the past 24 hours and your ability to adapt to unforeseen challenges is an amazing quality to have. I like to have an order and a structured plan in my life, but my family is the queen of changing plans last minute. I have learned over the years that I need to adapt to these changes, but I still have trouble. I like to have order and when it gets thrown off, I get all stressed out and worried. That feeling of safety goes away. Your insight on wisdom being a focusing energy on things within your control and letting go of the rest is a lesson I wish to learn. The positive changes and growth that you have experienced in this regard serves as a reminder to me that personal evolution is a continuous process. This post has inspired me to work towards these goals and that it is possible, I just need to continue to work through it.
Thank you for sharing this post. It brought a sense of reflection and connection to my own experiences. I wish you the best holidays and look forward to reading more posts like this.
Olivia Kadryna
Dr. Martin,
I am drawn to this post of yours after you responded to my own experience with OCD. I am glad to be reading this later in the winter semester, as it means I have gotten to know you to understand this post better.
I find it fascinating how OCD can manifest for different people. You highlight your early need for order and neatness, and I believe that is all people think it is. I think that is why it took so long for my diagnoses. I felt like I was genuinely crazy for some of my thoughts, and it took me months to be able to share them, even when given a safe space to do so. I found your connection between your need for order and desire to understand “the why of something” relatable and thought provoking.
I especially enjoyed your conversation about language. I just took my first linguistics class this past semester, and I found that the class challenged what I thought about language and the English language. The English language is confusing and a bit silly at times, but it does have a strong sense of order that seems to be becoming more relaxed as time goes on. I find it refreshing to see what people are doing with the language and the rules that dictate it, but I can understand the hesitancy to let those go.
Forgiveness is something that is difficult for me. Yes I can forgive people for shallow wrongs, but true forgiveness after deeper feelings have been affected is something that I haven’t been able to accomplish. To be able to forgive someone for not only hurting you, but many others, is something that I think few will be able to honestly say they can do. I hope to be secure and at peace with my life enough to be able to forgive in such a way.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us.
Lily Kachel
Dr. Martin,
Thank you for being able to openly talk about your struggles with OCD. I think we as humans always have that innate desire to be able to control things and that sense of “control” provides us with comfort. I put that in quotations because I don’t feel we really have that control of our lives, but the illusion of it gives us peace and hope in many ways. I know for myself as someone who struggles with anxiety, a predictable routine and knowing what I’m going to do for the day are constant sources of comfort that calm me. However, within this unpredictable, ever-changing world, there is little we can truly do to prepare ourselves for what comes next. My faith in God over the years has slowly allowed me to relinquish some of that control and give it to Him, as I believe He is sovereign over all things. Still, there is a good portion of me that tries to do whatever it can to take it back, hence the struggle.
I’m with you on the shifting rules of grammar in language. Growing up, I was always a stickler for structure and knowing the more common rules of grammar. That consistency in structure always made it easier for me to navigate and organize my writing more effectively, so it is as you said, “a bitter pill to swallow” as I start to see a lot of those rules falling from the mechanics in the daily writing and texting we see today. Thank you again for this article and offering up your thoughts.
Brett Snyder
Dr. Martin –
This post resonated with me more than most. There are several reasons for that.
First, I strive for structure and consistency as well. I grew up in a house where the same action is fine one day but will get you punished the next. Where rules and stipulations were enacted and then taken away, depending on the needs of the person enacting the rules. To this day, I seek an environment with a clear set of rules. An environment where everyone is bound by the same rules. I thrive in structured spaces.
Growing up, I was always drawn to personalities that were carefree. People who didn’t see the necessity in considering how each and every action would play out six steps in the future. I learned the hard way that that is not who I am, nor will I ever be. I found myself in situations that I will never be able to forget. These same people who cared about nothing, also did not care about me. I still carry the weight of those times. I still carry the anger, the resentment, the misplaced guilt. One day I will forgive them. That day is not today.
I am now confident in who I am. I owe a lot of that to my mentor. When I was at WVU, I did my internship at the police department where I would later work. I remember a few life lessons that my mentor taught me. They have become my mantras. The first one came up as I struggled to understand some heavy situations that I was exposed to. Scenes we had responded to that I could not understand. Lesson 1 – You cannot apply your morals and values to someone else’s situation. You will never understand some situations, and you will drive yourself mad if you spend too much time trying.
Throughout my internship, I learned a lot about the daily functions of a police department. Lesson 2 – What you do is your job, but it is not who you are. He told me about officers who poured themselves into their careers. By the time they were eligible to retire, they continued working as they lost who they were in their career. I was cautioned to focus on what is most important. You work to live, so don’t spend your life working.
Following my internship, I told myself that I would always remember those two lessons. If work gets to a point where it impacts my mood at home, I do a reality reset. I consider what I am holding onto and how I can move past it. I also worked very hard to get to a point where I am capable of saying no. I will always prioritize my family and myself. My job is just that, my job. It does not, nor will it ever, define who I am. I love what I do, but I will never let it be who I am. I also try very hard to not apply my mindset to situations I encounter. I am in no way saying I am good at this. I wrestle with feelings of anger and confusion often. Trying to make sense of why these people have made these choices. Wondering how people allowed their lives to get to the point where they are. After a while, I try to remember that I will never truly know. I will never understand. As long as my views are mine, and their views are theirs, I will never understand, and that’s okay.
As always, I enjoyed reading your thoughts. As mentioned above, this post resonated with me more than most. As I read the post, each paragraph took me down a different train of thought. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Shannon Drexel