Hello on a rainy and somewhat foreboding fall day,
During the night I heard the rain steadily pelt my window, sounding more like sleet, something yet to come (perhaps sooner than I desire) as we move into November. As I sit in Starbucks in the library doing work, or attempting, I am struggling with formulas for chats and wishing I knew some things a bit better than I do. I think I might have to see if I can log into LinkedIn Learning as an emeritus. I think I need a quick lesson or two. The past month seems so much like the Tale of Two Cities to me that it is beyond words or emotions. Waiting for my consulting appointment for cataract surgery has me in a state of limbo, and with my belongings and tasks in different places, in different states, and at different phases, I feel like I have less power than I normally do. And yet in spite of the in media res reality of life, I am adding some additional components, projects to what I am doing. It’s both exciting and extensive, but also interesting and connects areas of my entire life.
One of the things I learned when I wax a parish pastor was the importance of listening and observing. I often say it is where I first began to read-between-the-lines. When you wear that turned-around shirt, people will generally give you the milk-toast version of their situation. It is not that they are trying to be dishonest, but more often it is their fear of being too vernacular, too earthy. Consequently, there is a need to ascertain the reality, the realness, of the story and their subsequent need to come to the pastor’s office. Often it is in the silence, the pauses, the absence of words one hears things most loudly, the most clearly. Sometimes it is what is written that one speaks most intentionally. As I wrote this post on a Halloween Day, it does not go unnoticed that today in 1517, Martin Luther chose to nail his 95 written Theses on the Castle Door in Wittenberg. So to my Lutheran clergy friends, my friends from a Lutheran tradition, or those who claim to be Lutheran, Happy Reformation Day. I smile as I think back to a party we had on Reformation Day in seminary. Honestly it was one of the more enjoyable unique parties I ever went to in any of my college/grad school time. Perhaps, as an aside, the most hilarious/unexpected party I ever attended in my higher educational time was also at seminary. It was a Tupperware party. Remember those??
We all know people who fall into the category of loud or boisterous as well as people who are quiet, reserved, seldom speaking out. They are the people I find the most interesting; the people to whom we should perhaps see as most important to listen, wanting to hear what little things they might say, but I think it is what they do not say that might be most significant. Their silence is incredibly loud. I remember in the service it was common knowledge that the people most quiet one needed to be careful of, attentive to. When I was first in the parish, and it is this next week, 37 years ago, I was installed at Trinity, often the most profoundly faithful people were the weekly parishioners who sat in their same spot weekly; their reverence was demonstrated by the quiet, but habitual manner, they worshipped. I remember being asked in my call committee interview how I understood a person who did not attend services regularly? I still believe the piety of attending worship and what is in the heart of a person was not something I had the right to judge or believe I had the insight to determine.
As I get older, I appreciate silence so much more than when I was younger. The solitude of a quiet space can do more to quell my troubled soul than anything else. Proverbs notes “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.” And goes on to say, “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.” I remember a CPE colleague once telling me I needed to speak less. I was shocked at the time, but even shortly thereafter, I realized she was correct. Learning to speak less and listen more has been a life-long struggle, but I think it was because when I was young I was afraid to speak. It has taken some time to return to the place where I am content to step back. I think it was when I was at Dana that being older and a known person before I arrived that pushed me into a place where I was expected to speak, or at least I believed that to be the case. And certainly the roles or positions I have held for close to 40 years have put me in front of people. And yet, ironically, I believe it was being in front of people, expected to speak that I learned to appreciate my silence, or opportunities to say less rather than more. My tolerance for volume (and noise that is simply noise) has lessened, and I am not completely sure if that is a hearing issue (which is probably part of it) or it is I do not really like commotion. I have realized that even when I am in a crowd of people. Once upon a time I probably found energy in that. That is certainly no longer the case. Even when I was at a holiday function or family celebration over the last years, I can only manage a certain level or time frame, and I have to step back. Even a walk outside.
Perhaps that is why I like driving so much. I am in a solitary situation. I am in control of my space. Even my daily habits have changed in terms of when I get up and go to bed. My former students used to be stunned when I returned an assignment to the CMS at 2:30 a.m., and it was because I was still up grading. Now, most nights, and this has been for a few years, I am in bed by 9:00-9:15 p.m. And my alarm is set for 7:15 a.m. on weekdays and 7:45 a.m. on weekends, though I am generally awake before my alarm goes off. It seems that there has been almost a 180 from the person I was even into my 40s. As I spoke with a couple of different people in the last 48 hours, two or three times the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory came up, and I am well aware that mine has changed significant from 40 years ago. The importance of solitude is well-documented. Reflection in the quietness of a day is helpful. Mindfulness and presence, the understanding of who you are as well as where you are in not a bad thing. In the silence you hear more than you realize. The irony of this next statement is not lost on me as I am writing on a social platform, but the chance to step away from the noise of the computer, the pressure of believing we need to keep up with what is being said on multiple platforms, or convincing ourselves that we need to stay in contact with so many (in spite of the propensity I have to stay in touch, yet another incongruity) is something I find I need more and more. For sometime, I have been able to sit in the middle of a coffee shop and tune out the noise around me. I think back to the amount of time I have spent in Caribous, Starbucks, Fog and Flame, Brewskis, Coffee Grounds, and I have spent probably years of my life in coffee shops. The amount of money I have spent is probably not calculable. And yet, often I could be there in solitude in the middle of the crowd, I once referred to myself as the “lonely-in-the-middle-of-the-crowd person, and I believe that is even more true now. I love silence now because I love to listen to the sounds of silence, which, of course, was an incredibly popular song, originally by Simon and Garfunkel, and now covered by multiple genres. In fact, it seems to be one of the songs to do. Perhaps it is because we do need silence, we need the quiet. I believe it an essential element of mental health as it can strengthen our emotional wellness or awareness, our psychological resilience and it can even reduce inflammation, which is the root of many of our physical maladies. Even now as I write this, I am sitting in the corner of somewhere local, and even now I will put in my AirPods to minimize what I am hearing. It is time to work on some other tasks. As we finish October and move into November we will be back to Standard Time, the trees are beyond peak color, and the hint of something much colder is in the air. I wish you all peace and time for solitude. It is a good time to take a walk and notice the changes. Another irony, I was asked if I wanted to go to this concert at the time, but I could not afford it.
Thank you as always for reading,
Michael
thewritingprofessor55 