Finding Friendship

Hello from the corner of the Little Bakery,

This I just created a TikTok for Nataliia’s little piece of heaven. If you are acquainted with my blog over the years, you are aware that my grandmother, who was my mother when I was small as well as my hero yet today, owned a bakery. The smells of baking pastries, of cakes, or of fresh bread were (and are) aromas that gave me a sense of love and security. Walking into the Little Bakery, shortly after it opened in the Fall three years ago, transported me back to that place and time. It was the first place to do so. The consequence was I fell in love with the bakery instantly. There is an incredible book that looks at the consequence of daily, seemingly mundane, items or experiences in our lives, everything from weather to food, from buildings to cars. I do not have it in front of me at the moment, and I can even see the cover, but I cannot remember the title. Understanding the things that make us who we are is a good exercise; and while an admirable goal, not always an easy one to accomplish.

When I was a child, I worried incessantly over whether or not someone liked me. I was in constant fear that someone might dislike me. Some of that was due to my diminutive size; some of it because I was told on a regular basis that I was unworthy of being given a home or loved by one of my adopting parents. Because of those two issues I worked diligently to become friends (or what I believed was friendship) with anyone who was regularly in my daily orbit of people. I wanted (too often and ill-advisedly) people to like me. That malady followed me well into my adult life, and it took a lot of work and reality checks to understand the problem with it. When I was first a student at Dana, there was a senior student, one both intelligent and talented, but not likable sort. He and I did not appreciate the other, to put it diplomatically, and after one particularly unpleasant encounter, he told me that I needed everyone as a friend and he found me hypocritical. At the time, I informed him that I had friends and acquaintances, and he rated neither category. I rejected his assertion completely. Some 40+ years later, I would have to admit he was, to some degree, correct.

Learning to accept that not everyone would like me was a difficult thing to come to terms with emotionally, but that was because I was so emotionally fragile myself. In spite of my intelligence, my experiences and my expectations did not allow me to accept something that makes sense. We will not please everybody; we will not be liked by everyone. As I am now in a different place both in terms of age and, more importantly, emotionally, looking back across the decades, I realize friendship is an essential element to our identity, but it seldom happens, or perhaps, more than likely, distance and life events make the maintaining of it difficult. Or is it we misunderstand the reality of friendships. Perhaps friendship is more profound and illusive than we imagine. I have been often told I work harder or more diligently to stay in touch than most. As I consider that, and I do believe it to be true, it is how I have maintained relationships with people from around the world. It is perhaps how I have come to understand the differences between the people we include in our lives. Perhaps there is a third category of people in my life. Acquaintances are those who I have met more than once and have made some difference, but unless we are in the actual proximity of the other, there is little influence in either direction. And yet when proximity is re-established, their significance changes. It again grows. There are those who have importance beyond that. They are persons who move in and out of our lives in spite of proximity or space. Generally, their importance at some point was more than passing; it affected our daily life in a manner that changed some course of action or our understanding of who we were (or are). And that importance (while our lives have continued to evolve) is easily recalled and have significance. This is not always a category that I have readily acknowledged or, perhaps, understood. Nonetheless, I believe there are a number of people who fall into this category for me.

So what is friendship or who has been (or is) a friend? I think that is an excellent thing to ponder as I look back across the decades. There are so many people who hold a place of importance, but who is that friend? Are friends only those who have covered the majority of our lives here on earth? Not necessarily. Often it is said, the person one marries is their best friend, and this certainly makes sense. And it prompts the question about friendship and intimacy (and I would assert intimacy is not merely physical). What creates, establishes, or maintains a friendship? Each of these verbs are integral and somewhat process driven. When I think about the person who was my best friend from childhood and I consider the person(s) I would refer to as close friends now, I am not sure the processes are the same. When I think about the persons in my life I would categorize as friends, the number is very few. From my growing up in Sioux City, I think there are two people I would consider as friends (and the one, who was my best friend from childhood, has passed away). The picture above is of the three brothers, and Peter is on the left. The other, my sandbox buddy as we call each other, was a little older than me, and our friendship did not blossom until after high school. However, in each case, the friendship has been established and maintained, but more importantly, it was nurtured. Nurturing requires that intimacy referred to above. It means that there is an honesty and consistency. The friendship is not negatively affected by either distance or time. There is no need to reacquaint because you know the other. The friendship is supported by both mutual history and a mutual desire to maintain and enhance that relationship. I think it is impossible to place a value on such a person and their importance.

When I think about the friendships I have created or been blessed by as an adult, there are some very different things that occurred for that reality of that friendship’s existence to occur. There has to be a time where you have significant interaction. There needs to be mutual interest, and there needs to be a clear sense of having some similar values. I think it is much easier to walk away at this point in life. For me it is related to drama. I do not like drama, and I will do most everything I can to avoid it. There are a number of reasons for that, but certainly, past experience has taught me drama is strength sapping and seldom goes well. When I consider my adult friends, again there are numerous acquaintances, and some significant ones, but few friends. I am reminded of the line from the song “Caledonia,” a song I recently listened to again, and one I appreciate deeply. There is a line in the song which notes “Lost the friends that I needed losing, found others on the way.” I ponder the significance of that statement, and I find myself asking, “Were they friends? What makes losing them reasonable if they were friends?” Does time and evolution of who we are make “a friend” dispensable? Are there times that taking a break from a friendship is necessary, and does the break eliminate the friendship? Does it render all the significant time or joint experiences moot? Is it that we are different in our tolerances Whenever there is a change, there is a sense of loss, and loss is painful, but is it necessary? What happens when there is an impasse? What is reasonable and what is healthy? Are they the same? And then at the same time, there are moments when what we think might be gone comes back. I have experienced that also. Much like the parable of the prodigal, there has been rejoicing. The memories of a half of century have reminded me of so much of my life. The blessing of them, of their family, there are no words adequate to express how significant they were or are. Life’s twists and turns are both predictable and unpredictable. Experiences, sometimes forgotten, still affect us when we least expect it. We are such capable and fragile beings. Friendship is both a gift and a responsibility. Sometimes it is difficult to manage it all.

Thanks as always for reading, and let that friend know they matter.

Michael