Hello from a McDonalds on Interstate 80,
I am on my way to a pinning ceremony for a former Lock Haven student, one of the more incredible students I ever had the opportunity to have in my class(es). She ended up with me by accident when I took over a class at a sister institution because of an emergency leave. She would follow up an take my technical writing course. Industrious, intentional, organized, and intelligent are apropos when considering her work, but what made her even more astounding was a combination of her background and the fact she was a full-time, experienced, and well-respected EMT on top of her full academic load. In the group work required for her TW class, she was the final editor and regularly went above and beyond to research and respond to the intricacies of what the questions implied. Her group had no idea how much she helped them because she just did the work. It’s an hour to be invited to her ceremony. If the role I had returned for had happened I would be here anyway. Now I merely get to celebrate with her. It’s all good.
The importance of the medical profession and those who commit their lives to the care of others has always been significant, but it seems it is more important now than ever. When I listen to the public comments about what we should or should not do, it certainly gives me a sense of pause, wondering if everything I have believed should be tossed out the door, or it is merely we have become so suspicious of anything and everyone that we trust nothing or believe in no one. I would question why anyone would want to subject themselves to working in such an atmosphere? When I think of the amazing care I have received for three decades since I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, there is no doubt that I have been the recipient of outstanding medical care from one end of the country to the other. From doctors to attending, from PCPs to specialists, from nurses to patient advocates, the number of people are more than I have fingers and toes.
As a child I grew up in the church, attending Sunday School and Sunday services regularly. I went through confirmation, a vibrant youth group, and yearly youth group trips to a winter conference. Church and youth group were a central part of my social fabric. When I was in the Marine Corps, I attended the protestant church service, though sporadically. When I returned to the service, the pastor at my home congregation changed my understanding of church and theology in general, and his becoming a somewhat surrogate father to me probably saved me from what might have been a much more difficult path in life. But I think it was at Dana College, which followed a year travels on a Lutheran Youth Encounter Team, where my faith finally became my faith, and not the simple imitation of what I had learned growing up. It was that first Religion 111 class, titled Introduction to Religion, taught by Dr. John W. Nielsen (“The Pope”) and eventually his Religion 342 (I think that was the number), titled Christian Thought, where I first read Bonhoeffer, St. Augustine, Black Elk, and other things that made me question what it meant to believe, and ask what were the consequences of believing? It was a letter written to my inquiries about what it meant to be called that probably influenced my choice to choose ordination as a path (thanks Father Fred!) as much as anything or anyone. I actually loved my time at seminary, both the classes and my classmates. I was intrigued, and I am still am, though perhaps not realizing it at the time, by systematics. When I realized what happens in baptism, and how it changes the question from “do I?” to “what do I do with it?” faith came alive for me. While this statement might shock, what I realize now is the church did as much to cause my struggle with faith and piety as to foster it. The apparatus of the church became the very thing I detested the most, and it caused both pain and harm to a faith I believed to be rather unshakeable. In spite of my theological education or my church upbringing, my faith was fragile. Since that encounter with a bishop a quarter century plus ago, I have spent my own time in a theological wilderness, some of my own choosing and some from my own integrity. The soul searching has been a constant, although not always in the foreground.
Returning to Bonhoeffer’s concept of Religionless Christianity, he asserted requires one to live a life rooted in Christian faith without being bound by traditional religious rituals and structures. It’s about embracing a living faith that actively engages with the world and tackles the challenges of life, rather than simply practicing it. I think it is important to realize that much of this came from Bonhoeffer’s personal struggle with the significant element of the church, which was unwilling or unable to question the actions of Hitler and the Nazis. I think that context is important if one is to understand the choices both visible and not visible that Bonhoeffer chose. As I taught a Bible as Literature course the past 15 years, as I attended church again sporadically, I once again wandered and pondered what do I need to feel faithful? What is necessary for me to feel connected to a more formal practice of my personal piety? In a number of ways, I think I was practicing what Bonhoeffer would refer to as a faith free from ritual, but one that questions and tackles the tough questions. In someways, perhaps this blog has become my scriptural reflection on both the Bible and the Church. And yet, what I realize now is while it has sustained me to some degree, my sacramental self has been missing, the ritual of worship, which to some degree offers safety, was absent. The importance of ordinaries and propers has a place for me. It does serve a place for me both individually and corporately. The systematic work toward faithfulness does not, at least for me, take away from the opportunity of individual expression, but instead creates a foundation from which I can more intentionally imagine the possibilities of faithful living. I remember some of my own parishioners telling me that my sermons made them think all week. My response at the time was a simple “Good.” What I thought was that the hearing of the word in preaching needed to influence the other 167 hours a week. Luther asserted “preaching is not just a way to impart knowledge, but also a way to usher people into God’s presence and bring about spiritual transformation.” It is where the reality of God in daily life can be so intentionally considered. It is about the practical application of the word in our earthly existence.
When I consider some of those who helped me understand this, it is a combination of people. Father Fred, mentioned earlier, was my pastor when I came home from the service. He was the person who most profoundly revealed to me that pastors are human. That was an important lesson for me, both as a 20 something as well as someone who would eventually be ordained. It was Dr. John W. Nielsen, whose ability to live out his faith as both a person and a scholar, who taught be importance of faith as both a spiritual as well as a thinking process. It was Dr. Fredrick Gaiser, my Old Testament professor at LNTS, whose incredible heart and brilliant mind, perhaps taught be more about the grace of God than anyone. And now, in spite of my never meeting them, it is both the late Pope Francis and my perception of the newly elected Pope Leo XIV, who inspire me to refocus my energies to be more intentional in my expression of faith.
The Holy Spirit is an incredible thing. As I write this now, a couple days after I began, I am sitting in Panera before I go into the restaurant for what will be an incredibly long day. The day started cloud and ominous, and how it is pouring raining and lightening. I am reminded of the song “Lightning Crashes”, by the group Live (which is a Pennsylvania group from York). The circle of life is interesting, but what happens in between is even more astounding. From that gift received in baptism, the Spirit has always been there, but like Jesus standing at the door in that famous painting, it never chooses to take over. It is like a beautifully wrapped gift, but we need to unwrap it. I feel like there are times I have started to unwrap it, amazed by what I might find, but somehow never really completing the process. The faith has always been there, but not always considered, the piety has also been an important part of my life, but the how to manage it has often been decided by others expectations, by institutional demands, and even though I have a clear sense of what I believe important, to say I have been inconsistent would be a bit of an understatement. It is for that reason my practice has been less than stellar. What is it about now that has me searching anew? I am not completely sure, but I am searching, and I am working on asking the questions and being open to the answers. There is so much to imagine and I am excited about the possibilities. Here is that video from Live. The idea of an ethereal angel of sorts, of how there is a spiritual that is around us at all times seems more apparent to me than perhaps ever before. Perhaps the gift will finally get unwrapped.
Bless you all and thank you for reading.
Michael (the wandering soul)
thewritingprofessor55 