Hello from Iowa and a family ceremony,
Family is such an incredible reality and yet simultaneously a concept. Family has always been something I have pondered because my family, and my relationship with those individuals has never been what is considered typical. The reasons for that are varied and complex, but trying to understand where it all fits has been something I have attempted for most of my life. This past week as I did some searching in Ancestry, I found a picture of my biological mother shortly before I was born. It is the first time I have every found or saw a picture of her before she became a mother. I first met by mother as an adult when I was 23 years old. I met her again when I was 45, and that was the only two times I remember seeing her in person. I was never kept of knowing the reality of my adoption or that my sister and I had lived with grandparents the majority of my pre-school life.
While I know a number of facts about my early childhood, there is no real clear picture about how all that happened could have transpired as it did. Part of that struggle was my Grandmother did not tell us much, my adopted parents did as much as they could to make biological parents a non-issue, and when I was old enough to ask, the stories I heard were not really consistent. The most significant element of my childhood that is unclear to me is that I have a second full-sister for whom I know nothing more than a name. The story about this sister, who was the third and final of the union of my biological parents, was supposedly given away by my mother to someone in the Air Force. The reality for my mother was difficult. She became a mother at 15, and by the time she was 18, she had three children and a spouse who was in prison. That is an stunning thing to comprehend even for me, I cannot imagine what she was feeling. Perhaps some of that is because I am ready to retire, and I have never helped create a child. Perhaps it is even more stunning because of this newly discovered picture of my mother, realizing she was 15 and would birth me within three months of that marriage date. As shocking (though understandable), the similarity between my mother and Kris, the sister with whom I grew up is palpable. By the time I had met her, even in my early twenties, she was only 38-39, but she looked significantly more aged than that. Having six children, smoking to much, and drinking more than was healthy will do that to a person. She was a person who was small statured (barely over five feet tall and slender), but I doubt she was any kind of wallflower. I think she had learned to be hard, to be tough, out of necessity. When I was in San Antonio decades later, I had the occasion to be around her again, and again, she had aged significantly. My half-sister called her, asking if she would like to go to dinner with the two of us, and she responded, “No.” And as I remember that was not because of a scheduling conflict, but rather because she did not want to do so.
To be gracious, I imagine the thought of going to dinner with her first born, whom she had only met one other time, and I had asked some difficult questions, might have caused her some discomfort, but at the time, I only saw it as rejection. And even in my early forties, that was hurtful. We would eventually spend some time together, and that included a weekend where Vivian and I traveled to Brownsville/Harlingen to meet the mother’s side of the family, a maternal grandmother I had never met when I would have remembered. There were cousins, a half-brother and his family, and others. It was enjoyable to listen to the stories and see where many in my family called home. My mother’s second family of sorts all lived in the Valley as they called it, attending San Benito High School and frequenting South Padre Island, a place I only knew because of it being a Spring Break destination. I would met my mother again during that 5-6 months in Texas because my half-brother lived in Corpus Christi, where I was born, and with his own children, my mother had grandchildren there. It was evident that she loved her grandchildren, but I think she struggled with all that had happened to her as a teenager. As a mother at 15, even though it was the 1950s, that was awfully early to be a mother.
Perhaps some of my unawareness is because I have never been a parent to someone I helped create, someone I watched being birthed and realizing I had responsibility for that life. I am reminded of my life-long best friend’s (who has passed) statement when I asked him what it was like to watch his wife give birth. He said, “I am not sure I can put her through that again.” I try to imagine what my mother must have thought when she saw a baby who was quite premature, weighing only 17 ounces. And then being pregnant again within 4-5 months. That is a lot for a young girl to handle. While I was not around the three siblings my mother would have in a second marriage, I have met two of the three. They are hard working, but have a significantly different outlook on life than I do. I am not sure that any of them graduated from high school. They might have earned GEDs, and my half-brother has done quite well, but started his life early working as a rough-necker on oil rigs. That is not an easy life. The youngest of the three (I think) has worked jobs that paid too little and had no security. I do not even know if my mother got a GED, so their perception of education and mine were (and are) quite different. And yet, I am a first generation college student, and I did not expect to be where I am. What is important for me is not what they have or have not accomplished, but that I do have some connection to my roots.
My biological father’s side of the family, I do know more about because they were the grandparents who took my sister and me and cared for us after my mother and father left us with them and headed back to Texas. What I know is my mother was pregnant again, and my father would be imprisoned in Huntsville. My research into my father and his offspring is an eye-opening thing. Over the years, and there are numerous times, i have lamented some of the issues with my adoptive mother in particular. However, when I step back and look at the larger picture of my non-traditional upbringing, I am keenly aware how fortunate I was, and am. I also met my father in my early 20s, after my sister called telling me she had located him, ironically in our hometown. He was remarried and had three additional children (another one, named Michael, which is another story.). He was bilingual and, from what I can tell, incredibly intelligent, but he had his demons. It seems that too often he used his exceptional talent for things less than possible. The consequence was often less than ideal. Doing some intentional background investigation revealed a lot of difficulties. This shows up in a number of ways from stability in where he lived to relationships, from managing finances to managing his life in general. What it seems, and this is based on what little time I spent with him (over the course of a few months in the mid- to late-1970s, is he was capable, charismatic, and intelligent.
What I have realized as I ponder the possibilities is the phrase nature or nurture is a real thing. When I look at a picture of my sister, Kris, and the recently discovered 15 year old picture of our mother, it leaves little doubt of our biological relationship. I have not seen other earlier pictures of my mother and father, but I do have a half-brother who has similar stature, similar hair and beard structure, so I would have to assume there are some maternal traits in there somewhere. And then, unbeknownst to me until after his death, I found my father had also been in the Marine Corps. When I examine the recesses of my mind, I think I might have heard something about him, but, again, I somehow heard he was dishonorably discharged or something, but that cannot be true because he is buried in Fort Snelling. I also have heard, but have not found the specific proof that he attended college as an inmate. Rumor has it he majored in English and Spanish. If this is true, there is something in our mutual DNA that creates a propensity for the appreciation of language. I have said many times, if I could do it all over, I think I would study linguistics.
So . . . life is a continuous series of possibilities, some of which we realize, but too many times we do not. Last night I was speaking with someone and we were talking about choices, consequences, and all the things that affect what we do and who we understand ourselves to be. And yet, as I investigate my past, both biologically and adoptively, I see how so many things that occurred, sometimes without my knowledge, affected who I am and the person I have become. I do not offer that insight in some deterministic manner. Certainly, I have agency for my life. Most assuredly, I have made choices that also had consequence, but it is really surprising as I consider my own history how it all seems to have a connecting thread. Sometimes, it seems it is all a dream, dreams in the mist, and yet, it is my reality. It is my life. Sometimes, I realize there is so much that occurs in a sort of deterministic way. My Intro to Philosophy professor is smiling to see me write such a thing. One of my favorite songs about dreams, and one of the few songs where Nancy Wilson was the principle vocalist in all the amazing songs by Heart.
Thanks as always for reading.
Dr. Martin
thewritingprofessor55 
Thanks for sharing! While you and I experienced very different upbringings, I also find myself regularly pondering questions of nature and nurture.
I am the youngest of five children, but I share only one parent with each of my siblings. Three from my father’s previous marriages, and one from my mother’s previous relationship. Of my siblings, I am the only one raised in a two-parent household with both my biological parents. Interestingly, I’m also the only one who joined the military, completed college, left my hometown, and didn’t become a parent before the age of twenty-five. I have siblings who struggle with addiction, managing their anger, mental health disorders, or some combination of the three. I know I certainly have my mental health struggles.
With that said, I wonder how things might have been different for them if our shared father had been more present in their lives. I wish I could know if my sister that struggles with addiction was genetically predisposed due to our father’s own past of drug abuse, or if the circumstances of her life led her to that path. Perhaps two things can be true.
I wonder if my nephew, whose biological father is not present because of drug addiction, will grow up to face those same demons. Every day, I pray the scales of nature and nurture will tip in his favor.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. I look forward to more 💙
Dr. Martin,
Hearing about your life and what brought you to where you are was nice. Family is something that is important to me (both blood related and chosen family) and has definitely impacted me and helped me become who I am today. I think it is also important to look at who raised the people who raised us, and how their experiences impact our lives. So many things, genetically and that happen around us as we grow impact the way we look and react to difficult situations and being able to identify why we are the way we are is very important. I appreciate you giving more insight into your life, and think the ideas you brought up and shared are very important to think about when looking at our own upbringing and how that shaped us.
Hello!
I feel like family is definitely something that can be very difficult, especially for people that are in a similar situation to you. I have heard many things about the Ancestry website and other similar websites and it has always made me very curious as to how it works. I am happy to hear that it worked out in your case. Your birth mother seemed to have gone through a lot at such a young age, so it is understandable for the choices that she made, however that does not make it any easier on you as a child. I feel as though this blog post brings awareness to adoption and can help others who may be in the same position as you. This can help others to feel heard and help their feelings to feel validated. It is a valid statement to say that everything that has happened to us in our past and different decisions that we make and how that impacts us later on in life. All actions come together in the end to create who we are as people and that in and of itself is something that should be taken into consideration when making decisions. Thank you for sharing more about your life and your journey to find out who you are.
Dr. Martin,
I feel like family has a new importance in our generation. Parents are spending more time with their children and prioritizing spending time with their parents. I feel like we can take things for granted with our family, and keep those relationships strong, or build relationships with them. I have taken the time in college to help build relationships with my family by creating boundaries with them, but in doing that I have grown closer to my siblings.
Having good family relationships is something that we should prioritize even if we don’t have a relationship with our biological family. I feel some of my closest relationships are with “adoptive” family members, those who are good family friends, sometimes feel more like family than my own family.
I know many people who are adopted and don’t have any relationship with biological parents, or that their relationship with their adoptive parents was harmed when they connected with their biological parents. This is because their adoptive parents weren’t open with the conversation of their biological parents, causing issues later when they learned about their biological parents.
I like how you bring up the point of nature vs nurture, and I do think that it plays a role in everyone’s life. I feel like you get genetics, but how you are raised shows how they play out. If you have a hard first months the nurture during that time does affect you later in life. I think back to those I know who are adoptive, and how their genetics affect them but also their nurture affects them. This post really got me thinking about family and how relationships can affect how you view a family. As I get closer to graduating and settling down and being able to start a family of my own, these things become more important to think about.
Morgan
Dr. Martin,
It really wasn’t until I was in college that I realized how different families could be. I was raised by my biological mother and father who are both very active in my life, along with my two brothers. I never had to worry or think about if they were my biological family, there is a very strong resemblance and I have seen all the baby photos, even of my mom being nine months pregnant with my twin brother and I (she was HUGE).
When I was younger, I thought there were two options for families. Either they were like mine, or the parents were divorced. Even if their parents were divorced, both of them would still be in their lives. It wasn’t until I was in high school and college when I learned about the different complexities of families. Even my girlfriend’s family boggles me. Her parents are divorced, along with both sets of her grandparents. They all now have their second partner so that is a lot of different family to visit during the holidays. I feel like I sort of took having a “normal” family tree for granted.
Going back to your biological mom being pregnant at 15, I couldn’t imagine. I’m five. years older that that right now and I can’t even imagine having a kid in the next five years! Personally, being pregnant sounds awful so I always admire people who give birth, especially someone that young. I don’t know if I want kids yet but if I do, I would adopt. I have always wondered how I would go about telling them they are adopted. It really gives me a lot to think about.
Melissa McDevitt
Dr. Martin,
I do believe when it comes to nature or nurture, it is not either or, but a combination of the two. You will certainly have some traits of your biological parents, whether that be physical, mental, or similar interests. It also depends how they raise you or who raises you. Depending how your parents raise you to act or how they act around you will effect your thinking process and morals.
I also find it frustrating how family stories aren’t remembered and then when the stories are passed down, they always change. I can’t tell which of my family’s story I have been told are true or have been completely twisted. Some of those stories could be looked into I guess if I hired a private investigator to look into old police records. But other small stories just within the family’s knowledge you can’t find records or proof for.
Grace D’Agostino
Dr. Martin,
Family can be a difficult topic especially due to the situation you were born into. It is understandable how you were curious about your birth mother and went to seek assistance through Ancestry.com. I feel anyone would be curious about who gave birth to them. This blog post shows an experience that many people who discover their birth parents and their birth parents do not want to see them or have a relationship with them. It is an unfortunate outcome that is common and is to be anticipated. It makes me think about how different people’s lives are based on who raises them. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Dr. Martin
When we think of family, we think of who we are closest to. Biological, blood related, in-laws, are all jargon that we throw around to skirt the fact that we may not like that person, as an example, I have numerous people in my life where I know that their biological dad is referred to as their “bio” dad yet when referring to their step-dad, he is dad. It’s weird that these terms now sort of have a negative connotation. The point of that is that even if someone is family they may not be family if that makes sense. My example of this is that recently, both my dad’s mother and brother died within the span of a year. My father, understandably, was an emotional wreck. I however, was only sad because of my father’s sadness. I had minimal connection with either of them. I genuinely felt bad about this bit I never considered them family. My father did. I know that if someone I consider family were to pass or go through a terrible life experience, emotionally I too would be a wreck. My whole point is that your family is a group of people that you choose, blood-related or not.
Jake Hodder
Thank you for this Dr. Martin. It was probably difficult for you to talk about this because family is truly a difficult topic. It makes sense that you were curious about your birth mother because I would be too.
It was only until after coming to college when I noticed everyone’s differences at home. Some people have cleaner habits and others don’t. I think a big chunk of that comes from our parents and how they raised us. For instance, I have always grown up to be clean and clean up after myself because my parents would constantly tell me it is wrong if I don’t. Others who don’t have that role model or person telling them that would not know that.
After coming to college, I noticed everyone has different backgrounds and everyone comes in with different strengths and weaknesses. No one knows how they grew up and what they learned when they were a child. Family can be a very difficult topic to talk about for some people. Thank you for this blog.
Anna Tekeyan
Dr. Martin,
Thank you for sharing your perspective on family. I appreciate hearing about your life and family relationships as it seems both so different, and yet relatable, to the family life I’ve experienced. I was fortunate enough to grow up with both my biological parents and biological sibling. I always had a strong sense of who my family was, and yet struggled with the concept of where I’d come from – i.e. my roots.
My mother and grandmother immigrated to America when my mother was six. This process was a new beginning for them, but was extremely bittersweet. My grandmother had to leave a lot behind, including family, which hurt her. Because of this, she chose to leave behind reminders of them and refused to speak about much of our family and its history. On my fathers’ side, the story was much the same. While my dad’s dad was born and raised in America, his mother immigrated a few years before his birth. She too sadly left a lot behind, and therefore refusing to share much about that side of our family.
When I was in middle school, I became obsessed with programs like Ancestry.com and 23andMe. I always longed to know our family history and the stories of my ancestors. The idea of connecting to our ancestors is one that is very important in our culture, and yet something I feel I was deprived of. Sadly, in my search, I found that my maternal great-grandmother was abandoned at birth with no record of who she was or where she came from. Because of this, the documented history of my family ends only a few years back. That said, in her older age, my grandmother has begun to share more memories and stories of our family. This spring break, I am flying to California to be with her, following the passing of my grandfather. I am sincerely hopeful that I get another glimpse into my family history during this time.
As always, thanks for sparking my thoughts.
Kalie Peterson
Dr. Martin,
I found your recount of your experiences and journey to where you are today truly captivating. Family holds immense significance in my life as it seems, in a way, so does yours. I can only imagine the sense of liberation you must have felt when you learned of your parent’s past experiences and hardships. Discovering their stories must have provided insight into their lives and started a connection with them. Even though your parents were not involved in your life and many others, your experiences have brought you to where you are and that should still be cherished.
Family is very important to me. They have always been my guiding light in life. they shaped my path and identity. My mother, in particular, is my best friend. Her unwavering support and sacrifices have molded me into the person I am today. My love for her knows no bounds.
Even as I write this, she is by my side, caring for me during my recovery from surgery. It is during these times that I am reminded of the unconditional support I can always rely on from my parents. Even through occasional strife and tension, beneath it all, there is an unbreakable bond of love. It is this love that motivates me to overcome obstacles and pursue my dreams.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Lauren Hughes
Dr. Martin,
Thank you for sharing your very personal background and life story. It can be extremely difficult to look back and reflect on the events leading you to where you are today, but you have done so in a way that is personable and smooth. Family is something that is so inevitably complicated. No matter who you are, where you come from can be a big portion of your life. What did you learn as a child? How did those experiences shape who you are today? Those are the kinds of questions I often find myself asking when I am in therapy or am journaling. It’s not easy to ask those questions and deep dive into the past, but there is something so uniquely appealing about learning and understanding your own history.
My familial relationships are not typical. I have a lot of experiences under my belt that few can relate with. These moments in time made growing up particularly difficult because I had no one I could connect and relate to. Eventually this led to me becoming obsessed with understanding trauma and adverse childhood experiences, and later fueling my love for research. Although I resent many people for the experiences in my life, they have been educational turning points for understanding myself and how I fit in the world. All experiences, as bad or as good as they may be, have a place in molding the human conscious to its current state.
The blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb; a statement I am all too familiar with. If there is one major takeaway from the things I have learned in my life thus far, it is that you make your own family. There is no one outside of yourself that can have a final say in how you decided to live and who you decide to share your life with. There are influences for sure, but you are the person in control and always therefore have the final say. Coming to college has been one of the most rewarding decisions of my life, and I have made my own family. Even if they aren’t my biological relatives, they are home.
I also come from a family where a lot of family members are adopted and don’t know their biological family. My cousin and uncle were both adopted from Russia as babies and never met their biological parents. They were too young to remember living in the Russian orphanages, and if you asked them whether they would choose to meet their biological parents they would most likely say no. My cousin has openly stated her resentment for her biological parents but also how she is grateful for the family she has now.
I myself never really got to know or interact with my dad’s side of the family due to long term conflicts amongst them that have been going on for decades. I have only met my grandmother on my dad’s side twice in my life. The first being when I was first born and the second being when I was in late elementary school. Just a few months ago was when my seven year old brother met her for the first time. Our family calls her “crazy grandma” because of her actions in the past. I have a bit of resentment towards her because she could easy be part of my brother and I’s lives but she actively chooses not to. In turn, she lives alone and will soon be put in a nursing home where no one will visit her, not her friends and especially not her own blood family. My dad’s father tragically passed when my dad was just a teenager, but I have heard that he was an honorable man and it is unfortunate that I will never get to meet him. My dad has two brothers that he knows of and apparently my dad’s family is very large, I was told I have an abundance of cousins I never met currently living in California.
Your story and family history is very upsetting to hear about, but as long as you have some form of close relationship with someone, whether it be family or friends, I believe that is all that matters. I told myself that when I have kids, I will do everything in my power to be close to them and make sure they care for me as I care for them. I am not close to my own parents due to how I grew up and what they have put me through in the past. I want to make sure my future children and family don’t have to go through what I have.
Dr. Martin,
Your post speaking about the ideas of family is certainly a fascinating one, especially given the nature of your adoptive parents compared to your biological ones. I found it interesting that you shared knowledge of your biological family’s heritage and history, since I have done some looking into my own family’s background with the help of my father.
While I lived in Germany, my father took a DNA test and attempted to investigate his lineage closely and find any living relatives that he might have had. We actually discovered a distant living cousin of my father’s that still resided in the western part of Germany. We were lucky enough to visit this person and their wife, speaking to them about the shared heritage they had. It was a rather enlightening experience, despite having a significant language barrier. The trip was fascinating and led to a lot of learning for my family. I bring up this story because I believe it resonates with your experience of not knowing your extended biological family, and I empathize with such an experience of finding out more about these relatives. Thank you for your post.
Thank you for reading, as always!
Dr. Martin,
I believe it takes a lot of courage to write this kind of post about your biological parents, a post that does not demonize them for your upbringing. Rather, this post takes your good and bad experiences, with or without your biological parents, reflects upon them, and finds worth within them and who you are as a person. I imagine it took many years to form an empathetic picture of your biological mother, who was just that 15-year-old girl frightened of being responsible over three babies, as you described, and of a father who you’ve come to see as a intelligent, charismatic man rather than just a man made up of his mistakes and the consequences that followed.
I come from a split household. My parents divorced when I was 12-years-old, and since then, I’ve both gained and lost family as a result. My siblings and I are no longer close as we once were when we were children; our so-called demons have since driven us apart. Two years ago, I stopped talking to my extended family (for a lot of difficult, painful reasons), and my parents are still complex, distant, and as frustrating as they were when they were married together, but they’re happier with the partners they’ve found. I’m happier for them than I was when I was a teenager, and in hindsight, I’m glad they’re now divorced. When I allow them to fulfill their roles as my parents, they work much better as just my mother and father without the addition of being each other’s spouses.
Recently, I’ve begun checking in on my family; at least, the ones that matter most to me, both nuclear and extended. This is because I’ve looked at my girlfriend’s family, who all live under the same roof (aunts, cousins, etc.) and within driving distant of each other (grandparents, uncles, etc.), and I’ve reflected on their experiences as a family. They play games together. They catch each other up on their individual lives. They all meet at her grandmother’s house for Sunday dinner, filling empty chairs and empty stomachs. I have two chairs to fill in my hometown, just at two different houses, and I’ve realized that I want to start sitting in them again.
Thank you for the read, as always.
Dr. Martin,
It is a privilege to get to read another layer into your life and thoughts. Your ancestry has a vivid background right out the gate. I can only imagine how that looks on paper to take it all in. It makes you wonder how someone ends up the way they are, or how your bloodline made to one generation to the next. I have done Ancestry.com for myself and I learned quite a lot. I can only go back to 1850s give or take a few with census. But my genetic history says a lot too. I am about as white as it gets: English, Scottish, and Irish. I did not come from anything fancy. Which I am ok with too.
I to was mainly raised by my grandparents. My parents were present but had a lot between the two and not always by choice. I love both of my parents. My father I do not speak with and never plan to, and my mother I do and hope to for the rest of her days and mine. My grandparents showed the love we needed. Especially my pap. He was the absolute best. I never heard a bad word about him. He was truly a good man. He loved me at my worst even. I am stubborn as a mule. But he saw the beauty in me and praised me not too much or too little. He was my rock to life.
I am a mother so I can in ways empathize with your mother and her traumatic early years in life. That is not easy and I am sure she felt lost and alone many times. She probably had many regrets and dreams that never came through. She could possibly wanted so much more in life and for all of your siblings. They say children get different versions of their parents. I think in ways that is true. I know my children with age differences have got different versions of me. I believe reasons for that is: life experience, employment, finances, maturity, mental health, support system, and many others. I was, and still am not perfect. I don’t strive to be perfect, but I strive to show love and understanding. I try to be realistic and show them that life is not easy. I feel some times I can be too brutal about the world. I suck all the fun out of it. I don’t mean to. I just don’t want them to hurt be lost the way I was. My sister I am close with says to me often, “You were always the responsible one”. She is not wrong. I always avoided things good or bad to stay safe. I had moments of living, but once I became a mother, it is like a went into a bunker. Your father also seemed troubled and lost for different reasons.
Parenting is no easy task. You go from all about you – to all about them. Which I would not replace any of it from my life. They are the reason I keep going. I live for them. I am trying to live for myself more and more everyday. Feeling alive is a wonderful feeling that I have buried away many years ago. I am trying to give myself grace and telling myself that it is okay and I deserve it. Life trials has made me think that I don’t deserve anything nice. I know that that is not true.
I just spoke to my sister today about our parents. If we could go back as we are today to when they were a little boy and girl. To hang out and play and talk to them. To give them time and a hug and tell them it will be okay. That maybe if they got the love and patience they deserved in the ways that they so desperately needed. Maybe, just maybe they would have been okay. Maybe we would have got the best version of them. My mother tried as best she knew how. She was never taught to love, despite her wanting to show it and be loved right back. I see it in her eyes often the hurt she has endured.
I would do anything to go back and give her a hug. Because I know she expressed her love for us as best she could all those years ago. I feel bad that I did not see or know that at the time. She is a beautiful person.
(I have to run. My two youngest are driving me insane about wanting something.)
As always, it is a pleasure reading your reflections,
Take care,
Kellie
Good evening from my apartment living room. It has been a long week of work since I started a new job and have a ton of training to complete, so it feels amazing to be celebrating the weekend and having the opportunity to relax. I have a packed weekend of hanging out with friends, catching up with family, working on homework for class, and spending time with my boyfriend before he leaves for military orders, so I might not be relaxing this weekend in some people’s eyes, but to me, this will be a relaxing and fun weekend.
Oh boy, this is a complex, yet simple topic. Family can be complicated and has a different meaning to everyone. I have three groups that I consider my family. My first family is my blood family. Even though I have a semi-big family, I sadly do not consider all of them my family because of the things they have done to me and how they have treated the people I love. I do not stand for people to mistreat the people I love time and time again. If they cannot respect and act kindly to their own family, then they do not deserve my respect in return.
My second family, which I have lost touch with, is my dance family. I have been dancing just shy of 15 years. Through dance, I have met some amazing people that I will never forget. I have had the opportunity to dance with the most talented people and teach the most extraordinary kids. Unfortunately, since I graduated high school two years ago, staying in touch with many of them has been hard when the conversation is only started by me, which shows that they lack interest in putting effort into keeping a relationship and keeping in contact with me.
The third and final family I have is my military family. Through the Army ROTC program at Bloomsburg and the military and veteran resource office on campus, I have met some of the most amazing and unique individuals. Each of us have our quirks and flaws, but we help each other to become better versions of ourselves. When I went through tough times my freshman year, this family was there to support me when my blood family could not make the drive to campus. I consider myself very luck to have found this family and am grateful every day to have them in my life.
Hi Dr. Martin,
Thank you for giving me a peek into your life and your family situation. I often think of the “what ifs” when it comes to my own family. My parents met in college and dated for 5 years before they were married. My dad joined the Navy after graduating from college and they got married two years later when my mom graduated. They were married for 7 years before I was born, but separated when I was one year old. I primarily lived with my mom due to my dad moving around a lot and still going on deployments. I don’t think you can consider my relationship with either of my parents “typical.” I grew up being exceptionally close to my mom, but my dad and I always had a strained relationship. My bond with my mom got even stronger when we found out she had stage 4 breast cancer when I was 9 years old. She can’t be cured, but she can be treated. Knowing that our time together is limited has put things in a different perspective. This led us to embrace and enjoy the little things in life.
When I read your blog, I had to chuckle at the phrase “nature or nurture is a real thing.” My mom and I often joke about this topic. I’ve never lived with my dad during the school year, yet somehow my handwriting looks exactly like his. I never really noticed, but my mom pointed it out when I was in high school. She even showed me some old letters from my dad, and I couldn’t believe how much they looked the same. My mom and I share the same coloring, but not one single feature, yet everyone claims I look just like her. I have my dad’s forehead, his chin, everything mirrors my dad and his sister. I’m grateful for my dad’s service in the military and the relationship my mom and I have, but every once in a while, I wonder “what if”? What if my parents never got divorced? What if my mom never got cancer? Then I remember that you can’t change the past so we need to learn from it and move forward.
Dr. Martin,
Family is an amazing thing. An individual’s family can be the cause for their success or their folly, and the different ways family is looked at is truly amazing. I come from an extensive family from my biological family to my step family. While all my family is supportive and caring which I am beyond thankful for. The different outlooks that they have on life are quite interesting.
Within my family, some are highly educated and some only went to school to check a box. However, none of them are dumb. When I look back through the lineage, my family did not come from any type of money. What my grandparents and my parents have worked for. They just all differed in the routes that they took. For example, my grandfather went and started a construction business that is now booming in the state where he resides. While my grandmother got into administrative work within academia. However, the coolest part about them is perhaps the mutual respect for how each went about chasing their success, but beyond that, they all encourage and stress the importance of an education. Now from my grandfather that education might be more to the tune of learning a trade or getting into finances or business. While from my grandmother she is more open to a broader variety of degrees.
It is because of my families influence and diverse nature that I grew up into the person that I am today. While I am studying two different degrees at college, I also know several different trades. That is because of my parents and grandparents. Their diverse perspectives have been passed down and they all taught me something. So that they could ensure no matter what I would always be ok, and be able to find work that pays a living wage. For that, I am forever grateful.
I enjoyed reading your blog post, and I hope you enjoyed my response. While it wasn’t much to really further the conversation more of swapping family dynamics it was what came to mind while I was reading. Thank you for your insight as always.
-Tenneson Scott